December 12, 2012


Still feeling in the dumps and depressed BUT I'm making progress! I'm not AS depressed as I was a few days ago so PROGRESS! I also saw this today in my feed and I'm torn. I can't complaint to anyone offline as they are few in numbers and mostly related to the person I'm having the problem with on the other I see what this poster is trying to say.

I'll try it tomorrow.

December 5, 2012

Consumed and Angry

As Salamu Aalaykum,
The last few years have been rough but they've also been my best years. I got married to my soul mate, nearly sabotaged that relationship because I didn't feel that I deserved happiness and other self destructive behavior. Gave birth to my two lovelies and with that came some healing from my childhood trauma. etc.

I've been under a shaytan coordinated attack since AT LEAST October of this year and then it got worst and now a few months into this and I'm almost a shell.

First I was able to separate the instigator and his new wife. Then slowly I merged them into one entity in my head and I just stayed away from both of them. Since they are living with someone I know and I merged them (my friends) with the instigator and his wife (again ALSO in my head). Today while I was frantically cleaning my kitchen (its been too long) I added my husband to that crap list.  This made me pause, like OMG this is affecting me more than I gave it credit for! Did I just think that because they are related my husband is in cahoots with that jerk against me? Paranoia now? Hasn't this person taken enough from me and now my mental health too?

I'm angry. 

I'm angry at the instigator, I'm sad at how its affecting my relationship with my friends (the one the jerk and his wife are staying with) and am mad that he is related to my husband so its not someone I can avoid forever. I'm angry I can't express myself without backbiting. I'm angry that I'm angry about someone that I don't communicate yet their grade school stunts and total disrespect for me and my hijab has consumed me (btw I'm 27 and the jerk is in his mid 30's). I'm angry that my dislike for this person is turning into HATE. I don't even hate those who abused me and yet this person is getting me there. WHY? prick. He recorded the answering machine message for my friends and when I call and get the recording I cringe and get heartburn. Like fingernails to chalkboard, gross human being. I don't leave messages any more.

I'm angry that I was made to feel inferior by that douchebag who wasn't an angel and has a lot of dirt on him. Dirt I know of because it was so damn blatant. So if you are going to be on a high horse at least keep your dirt hidden.

I'm angry that 6 yrs ago he put my husband in a position to discuss things about me that he had no biz knowing and in order to protect my privacy my husband lied. I'm angry that he felt the need to lie since I wasn't a virgin because I WAS RAPED AS A CHILD YOU JERK! That doesn't need an explanation and its none of that douches biz. I'm angry. *jerk being the douche not the hubby.*

I'm angry and all I really want to do is take a bat to him. I'm angry that throughout the years I've given him a pass believing he was just oblivious only to find out 6 yrs later that his douchiness had more to do with him having a low opinion of me and feeling I didn't deserve respect. I'm angry that I didn't stand up to him sooner. I'm angry that I was so laid back and mild.

I feel disrespected, USED, slandered and overall I feel unprotected. I feel so alone.

My friend called me today to let me know that douche and his wife were gone for a few days and that I can come over. I don't want to see her. As much as I love her I don't want to be in their house. I went this past Sunday for an hour and some change and haven't been able to recover from it and its 11PM on a Wednesday. The douche was working on Sunday and yet I found the experience of visiting my friends draining on my health and iman.

I'm angry.

December 2, 2012

Black Blood

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

I've been sick and taking care of everyone else but me. The closes thing I felt to someone doing that for me was when I lived with my in laws and a few weeks back when we temporarily stayed with them because of the storm. They cooked for me and nursed me back to health by the mercy of Allah. My MIL even volunteered her room and bed so we could stay and she took a sleeping bag into my SIL's room. LONG STORY. My MIL has very fragile health and I objected to this arrangement but at the end of the day I was too sick to make a strong enough stand and after days of not sleeping properly my MIL was blessed with sleep so it was decided without me.

My FIL would take the kids in the morning to play with them while I got some time to myself. Then in the evening my MIL would take the kids until it was time for bed and I would handle them. In the meantime they fed and did istinja for my toddler and would only call me for my 2 yr olds diaper changes or for qailulah (their nap time). It was great, alhamdulilllah. My FIL thought that because my MIL was helping a slave of Allah (my children and I) that she was getting help from Allah and receiving reprieve from her condition. Prior to us staying her health was so bad we thought we might need to hospitalize her for a while. She made a miraculous recovery the month we were there, Allahu Akbar.  Both my inlaws are elderly and I love them dearly. After years of issues, abuse and pain I finally have a family that loves me.  Sadly, I've been treated better than by my own family. May Allah swt bless them with hidayat. ameen.

Anyway two nights ago feeling dejected, sick, with a fever and unsupported I started feeling pitty for myself.  Pity, that I was away from my inlaws so I couldn't get help, my husband was working 16+ hrs a day and was too tired to help and both my kids were sick. Pity that in my childhood I felt unprotected and had to fend for myself when I was sick. I started reminiscing of the times in my life when I felt this hopeless. AstaghfiraAllah.

I remembered being in my mid teens and being so sick that I couldn't go to school or go to the factory to work with my mom. She sent me to Sabrina's bakery that was 1.5 blocks away from my house and as a power walker it would have only taken me at most 5 mins to get that errand DONE. This time, however, it was different. It took me about 20 or so minutes just to come down the stairs from our 2nd floor apartment and 1 hour EACH way to make it back to our apartment. I was holding on to building walls and cars to make it to the bakery, place the order and come back. By the time I returned it was 2.5 hrs later and my mom had already left.

I was alone in the house with a lot of pain, fever and for some reason I was bleeding black blood. Not dark brown or any other shade of brown but BLACK. Black as in crude oil black. NEVER seen that before or since. I was delirious from my fever and so hungry. I wished and wished for soup but there was none in the house.

No one took care of me, no one bothered to check up on me during the day or to feed me and I was definitely not taken to see a doctor or to the hospital. I felt so alone and unloved.

Allah swt bless me with a cure then and I made a recovery, I don't know what was wrong with me but after a few days it went away and I was back to being the workhorse of the family.

So two nights ago I felt once again alone and unloved. Sick and fending for myself except that this time I couldn't just curl up into a ball and lick my wounds as I had two sick little ones with me. I don't EVER want them to feel the way I felt growing up. So for their sakes I overextended myself but in the end I was wiped out. Who will take care of me? I tried to verbalize this sick feeling of hopelessness to someone and it backfired. I'm posting it now to release it and move on.

la ilaha illa Allah.