December 5, 2012

Consumed and Angry

As Salamu Aalaykum,
The last few years have been rough but they've also been my best years. I got married to my soul mate, nearly sabotaged that relationship because I didn't feel that I deserved happiness and other self destructive behavior. Gave birth to my two lovelies and with that came some healing from my childhood trauma. etc.

I've been under a shaytan coordinated attack since AT LEAST October of this year and then it got worst and now a few months into this and I'm almost a shell.

First I was able to separate the instigator and his new wife. Then slowly I merged them into one entity in my head and I just stayed away from both of them. Since they are living with someone I know and I merged them (my friends) with the instigator and his wife (again ALSO in my head). Today while I was frantically cleaning my kitchen (its been too long) I added my husband to that crap list.  This made me pause, like OMG this is affecting me more than I gave it credit for! Did I just think that because they are related my husband is in cahoots with that jerk against me? Paranoia now? Hasn't this person taken enough from me and now my mental health too?

I'm angry. 

I'm angry at the instigator, I'm sad at how its affecting my relationship with my friends (the one the jerk and his wife are staying with) and am mad that he is related to my husband so its not someone I can avoid forever. I'm angry I can't express myself without backbiting. I'm angry that I'm angry about someone that I don't communicate yet their grade school stunts and total disrespect for me and my hijab has consumed me (btw I'm 27 and the jerk is in his mid 30's). I'm angry that my dislike for this person is turning into HATE. I don't even hate those who abused me and yet this person is getting me there. WHY? prick. He recorded the answering machine message for my friends and when I call and get the recording I cringe and get heartburn. Like fingernails to chalkboard, gross human being. I don't leave messages any more.

I'm angry that I was made to feel inferior by that douchebag who wasn't an angel and has a lot of dirt on him. Dirt I know of because it was so damn blatant. So if you are going to be on a high horse at least keep your dirt hidden.

I'm angry that 6 yrs ago he put my husband in a position to discuss things about me that he had no biz knowing and in order to protect my privacy my husband lied. I'm angry that he felt the need to lie since I wasn't a virgin because I WAS RAPED AS A CHILD YOU JERK! That doesn't need an explanation and its none of that douches biz. I'm angry. *jerk being the douche not the hubby.*

I'm angry and all I really want to do is take a bat to him. I'm angry that throughout the years I've given him a pass believing he was just oblivious only to find out 6 yrs later that his douchiness had more to do with him having a low opinion of me and feeling I didn't deserve respect. I'm angry that I didn't stand up to him sooner. I'm angry that I was so laid back and mild.

I feel disrespected, USED, slandered and overall I feel unprotected. I feel so alone.

My friend called me today to let me know that douche and his wife were gone for a few days and that I can come over. I don't want to see her. As much as I love her I don't want to be in their house. I went this past Sunday for an hour and some change and haven't been able to recover from it and its 11PM on a Wednesday. The douche was working on Sunday and yet I found the experience of visiting my friends draining on my health and iman.

I'm angry.

1 comment:

KittySigurdardottir. said...

This man is working on Sundays,that means he's braking God's law.

Also,the fact that you are laid back and mild is great,that means you are trusting that God will fight your battles for you and if you do anything,you are getting in His way and keeping His hands tight.You stay this way steady as a rock Tuttie,it's great that you are not all wrought up and an anxious woman. But, bitterness and anger you harbour for him is only hurting you not him. What you need to do is forgive him,and actully ask God to bless him and pray for him. In other words love him. And then God will move in a mighty way,He loves you so much.

And,besides it's none of this man's buisness about you being raped,the only thing he should do is be sensitive to the pain you suffered from the rape and that is still affecting you today.