December 2, 2012

Black Blood

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

I've been sick and taking care of everyone else but me. The closes thing I felt to someone doing that for me was when I lived with my in laws and a few weeks back when we temporarily stayed with them because of the storm. They cooked for me and nursed me back to health by the mercy of Allah. My MIL even volunteered her room and bed so we could stay and she took a sleeping bag into my SIL's room. LONG STORY. My MIL has very fragile health and I objected to this arrangement but at the end of the day I was too sick to make a strong enough stand and after days of not sleeping properly my MIL was blessed with sleep so it was decided without me.

My FIL would take the kids in the morning to play with them while I got some time to myself. Then in the evening my MIL would take the kids until it was time for bed and I would handle them. In the meantime they fed and did istinja for my toddler and would only call me for my 2 yr olds diaper changes or for qailulah (their nap time). It was great, alhamdulilllah. My FIL thought that because my MIL was helping a slave of Allah (my children and I) that she was getting help from Allah and receiving reprieve from her condition. Prior to us staying her health was so bad we thought we might need to hospitalize her for a while. She made a miraculous recovery the month we were there, Allahu Akbar.  Both my inlaws are elderly and I love them dearly. After years of issues, abuse and pain I finally have a family that loves me.  Sadly, I've been treated better than by my own family. May Allah swt bless them with hidayat. ameen.

Anyway two nights ago feeling dejected, sick, with a fever and unsupported I started feeling pitty for myself.  Pity, that I was away from my inlaws so I couldn't get help, my husband was working 16+ hrs a day and was too tired to help and both my kids were sick. Pity that in my childhood I felt unprotected and had to fend for myself when I was sick. I started reminiscing of the times in my life when I felt this hopeless. AstaghfiraAllah.

I remembered being in my mid teens and being so sick that I couldn't go to school or go to the factory to work with my mom. She sent me to Sabrina's bakery that was 1.5 blocks away from my house and as a power walker it would have only taken me at most 5 mins to get that errand DONE. This time, however, it was different. It took me about 20 or so minutes just to come down the stairs from our 2nd floor apartment and 1 hour EACH way to make it back to our apartment. I was holding on to building walls and cars to make it to the bakery, place the order and come back. By the time I returned it was 2.5 hrs later and my mom had already left.

I was alone in the house with a lot of pain, fever and for some reason I was bleeding black blood. Not dark brown or any other shade of brown but BLACK. Black as in crude oil black. NEVER seen that before or since. I was delirious from my fever and so hungry. I wished and wished for soup but there was none in the house.

No one took care of me, no one bothered to check up on me during the day or to feed me and I was definitely not taken to see a doctor or to the hospital. I felt so alone and unloved.

Allah swt bless me with a cure then and I made a recovery, I don't know what was wrong with me but after a few days it went away and I was back to being the workhorse of the family.

So two nights ago I felt once again alone and unloved. Sick and fending for myself except that this time I couldn't just curl up into a ball and lick my wounds as I had two sick little ones with me. I don't EVER want them to feel the way I felt growing up. So for their sakes I overextended myself but in the end I was wiped out. Who will take care of me? I tried to verbalize this sick feeling of hopelessness to someone and it backfired. I'm posting it now to release it and move on.

la ilaha illa Allah.


KittySigurdardottir. said...

May God bless you in your struggle dear,the main thing is to trust God and not fear,as faith moves heaven upon earth. And besides you have a husband that now needs to love you in sickeness.

Iman (Lifes Balance Beam) said...

As Salamualaikum Tutts

May Allah heal you and your babies, and may he grant you with complete shifaa. May he extend his mercy upon you, and heal the sickness in your heart, may he fill your heart with noor, ease, and content. Allahumma Ameen.

Remember, The stronger the faith, the harder the test. and After hardship there is relief. << If it weren't for knowing AND experiencing that for myself, I would be in shambles. I really am praying for you and your family.

Love always

.::Tuttie::. said...

@Kitty thanks.

.::Tuttie::. said...

@Iman. AMEEN and jazakAllah khayran. :)