May 30, 2012

I am now close to 40Gs in the hole :(

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

When I started blogging my student loans were close to $30,000 they are now close to $40,000. :( I called to straighten some things out and the customer service rep was horrible. I'm angry and heavily in debt.

Time to hustle. I'm trying to get debt free in 3 yrs. I've had enough of this garbage.

May 22, 2012

I live down the street from a violent rapist

As Salaamu Aalaykum,
Apparently last night a man that lives on my street brutally attacked a young woman and raped her. He was caught mid act and took off running still trying to keep his pants up.  SubhanaAllah!

May the victim heal and overcome this trauma. AMEEN
This has been unsettling for me, as a survivor of rape and a severe case of social anxiety that I only just got a hold on this freaks me out. The rape occurred near a street I walk with my toddlers on our daily walks. I'm back to NOT wanting to set foot outside my house but I can't let this affect my kids. :/  What to do?

May 17, 2012

Extremely strict...

 Make Islam a lifejacket for the people, not a straitjacket. Take it easy! The Prophet ﷺ said, "Give glad tidings, don't turn people away!" -taken from Abu Eesa Niamatullah.
 As Salaamu Aaalaykum, my thoughts...
Extremely strict or extremely liberal are subjective terms. As a person with HORRIBLE habits before Islam, one of the whispers shaytan would constantly beat me with was, "you can't make it to your morning classes on time but you want to join a religion that requires you be awake BEFORE sunrise or else be sinful?" I don't remember EVER seeing a sunrise until after I took shahada.

However, as soon as I became Muslim @Isha time it was also my first prayer and I was able to wake up for all my fajrs on time. It wasn't as difficult or stringent as I thought if you make it a priority.

I wouldn't try to push someone to do my routine as it took me 6 years to build up to where I am right now and when I look to the students of ilm around me I noticed that its almost nothing compared to what I've seen them do and only Allah swt knows of the amount they do in private. I also have to remind myself that it also took them several years of practice and adjustment to build up to where they are today.

Like I recently read, motivation gets you started but habits keep you going. If we focused on establishing GOOD habits and building on them than it starts feeling like a lifejacket. I don't know where I would be without Islam. I'd probably still be wandering around lost, helpless, feeling the pain of this dunya and not knowing how to change my life for the better.

May Allah swt grant us, our families, progeny and communities hidayat and keep us on the haqq until the day we meeth Him. AMEEN.

wa Salaam!

ps AND take advantage of your Friday! 
"Friday has twelve hours (or parts to it). There is one hour during which if a Muslim asks Allah anything, Allah will give it to him, so find it during the last hour after Asr." (Reported by Abu Dawud #926 of Sahih Al-Sunan


As Salaamu Aalaykum,

Sometimes I can be too hard on myself and the feeling of being a failure is always with me. Then I read this today and it gave me encouragement.
Feeling like a failure is a natural part of becoming a success. It’s actually a good thing and means you’re taking action and putting yourself out there.
Blog therapy... I LOVE YOU.

May 12, 2012

I've been written off

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

I'm sad. I *think* I've been written off as a friend. I tried reaching out to a person who used to be one of my close friends and nothing. She wont respond online or pick up my calls. I don't know what happened but she appears to be doing the same to another person and I think this friendship may be over.

A few weeks ago I found out she had been diagnosed with MS and I walked about 6 miles with my 2 toddlers to see her in the hospital. I was calling the whole time and she didn't pick up when I showed up with my orange (I was broke so I couldn't afford transportation hence why I walked and I couldn't buy her a gift so I offered her an orange instead). Her response was, "that's why you were calling because you were coming"

So what to do?

May 10, 2012

Don't mess with me or you'll bound to get a du'a

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

I don't own a tv any more as most of whats on is GARBAGE and instead choose to watch my fave shows (or discover new ones) online, although not as often as I used to. News shows? Most of it is sensationalism anyway and the current boogey man is Islam. So if it is important enough my fb newsfeed will get flooded by it and then I'll look in to it.  Before I used to watch too much news and would end up mad, feeling sick and ready to have a panic attack. Not worth my time or sanity. So when I read that Islamophobe hatterati (<-new word I learned) are plotting and plotting against Muslims using whatever straws they over reach for I don't get mad or depressed or anxious any more. I can't control what they do so why stress it?

Alhamdulillah there are people better suited than I to deal with them and frankly its not in me to engage such people. What I do, however, is make CRAZY amounts of dua during most of the du'a windows when du'as are most likely to get accepted.  I've been keeping track of my du'as on a du'a list and I check them off when they've been accepted. So far I have a really high number of accepted du'as and my husband likes to say, "you know when someone gets EVERYTHING they want it usually means they are going to die soon."

H A T E R .

So back to my du'as, I read an article about some of the major Islamophobes holding conferences against us and instead of protesting those people as it will just give them traffic and who wants to do that?  I make du'a for them here is the current one
May all those who attended the conferences, promoted, sponsored or learned about these conferences and their entire families and communities be granted hidayat from now until the day of judgment. AMEEN.

I also read today that there had been plans to destroy Mecca and Medinaa among other civilian targets and there were courses being taught by the same famous Islamophobes that were influencing US and military policy. So while that would have almost burst a blood vessel before I instead made the following du'a
 May we all be kept safe from all those who wish us harm and may they all be granted hidayat. EVERY SINGLE person who was involved in the creation of these courses and others similar to it, propagators, proponents, financiers and distributors, their families and communities be granted hidayat from now until the day of judgment. AMEEN.May every single person who comments on these types of articles and others like it, their families and communities be granted hidayat and may they all become an asset to the Haqq. AMEEN
 We all have different things we are interested and are passionate about and while I am not interested in politics and prefer more social service topics I do take the time to make du'a for them. If my du'a gets accepted then a large number of people will enter Islam or something even better will be give OR it will be answered in the hereafter. Win, win, win scenario for me.

Alhamdulillah for dua.

 ps, my dua's cover a broad range of topics so this is just a sample of one. 

wa Salaam.

May 8, 2012

So I was hating and I got hit by humble pie

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

For some time I've been complaining to my husband, "this company's product is FAR inferior to mine" or "my graphics and facebook app building skills are FAR, FAR, FAR better than this guys" and not to toot my own horn (toot, toot) they are. THEY ARE better, more appealing to the eyes and better coordinated. I mean seriously.  One dude's graphics are horrible, its like what I used to do in the late 90s when I was in elementary school using an equally elementary drawing program. HOWEVER, how the heck do they beat me consistently? Do their customers have no taste? If I showed you some of the work YOU will be asking these same questions.

Anyway, while preparing for my Ramadan project I read this,
"If you cannot get market reach with your message or product or service, whatever it is that you have, then you are irrelevant. That's why mediocre product creators with superb marketing and promotional skills become multimillionaires. I've heard this so many times. "Its not fair. That person's product is so inferior to mine."
 OUCH! How did he hear me?
"That's why some of the mediocre products of the world have made the most money, because they have had better marketers and promoters at the helm. It's not that it's not fair. IT IS FAIR. They just knew what keys to hold, and they held the keys to the kingdom.
One of my competitors is doing crazy amounts of work right now and the orders don't stop coming in. MASHAALLAH. I'm not trying to take away from anyone, I just want some success of my own. So whenever I get these feelings I make du'a for the person's success because I don't want to take away from what they have. So I browsed through my stationery competitors profile and realized that while their product IS inferior to mine they ARE better marketers and promoters. While I'm home taking care of my children and working on my products on the side my competitors are going to fairs, conventions and local bazaars selling and promoting their products. Also ONE of my competitors is a stay at home who attends all the conventions/bazaars she can to promote her line of products so mashaAllah she is hustling and I have no excuse.

The facebook app and graphics guy? Turns out they are targeting the elderly so I'm assuming this demographic is not too tech savvy nor interested in making their own graphics so are a tad more inclined to outsource it to someone else. 

So it is fair. IT IS FAIR that they are kicking my behind. It would be unfair if they didn't.
What's that sound? *SPLAT* That's humble pie my friends. Let me clean myself up.
AND am back. I just googled "hating" and I'm not too keen on the meaning but this is what came up "Hating: When one puts down the success or fortune of others due to jealousy." But then again who likes being called a 'hater'? not me.

So I can whine all I want but the truth of the matter is that you need a combination of skill, marketing and promoting skills to achieve success. My competitors aren't using sexism to sell their things (SHOCKING isn't it?), there are no girly bits hanging out, no underhanded tactics, no name smearing or spreading rumors. They simply have their mediocre product (its the truth) and their pushing it like its nobody's business. MashaAllah. More power to them. I should learn from them and implement some of the strategies.

but I dislike marketing. :( SUCK IT UP! SUCK IT UP! and get back to work. Heading over to finish my Ramadan Battle Plan. *le sigh*

Wa Salaam,

May 7, 2012


As Salaamu Aalaykum,
I think maybe I should get checked by a doctor or get out more. One or the other. I think I've been depressed most of my life but didn't notice it because the abuse was far more painful.  For the last 6 years that I've been abuse free and there is no physical pain to muffle my feelings I've been noticing it more and more.

I mentioned it to my husband and he was concerned with the possible side effects of anti-depression medication since one of them is thoughts of suicide and a few people (actually more than a few) have committed suicide while on those medications. He's afraid. Technically my depression is manageable and its not severe for the benefits of the medication to outweigh the nasty side effects. A part of me wants to beat depression because I feel that the abusers are still 'winning' because I'm still dealing with their aftermath

On a similar note, I get these genius ideas followed by a serious dip in depression. Its like the price for these ideas IS a dip in depression. Know what I mean? That kind of tax sucks.

I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be blogging when am in one of those moods. It also sucks to have HUGE and awesome ideas and not have the man power or money to fully see it through. Anyway, inshaAllah tomorrow is a new day and I'll feel better bi'ithnillah.

Wa Salaam

May 6, 2012

My 3 year old is a veteran defense lawyer

As Salaamu Aalaykum.

Sometimes putting my 3 yr old to bed feels like dealing with a veteran deathrow defense lawyer, he has an appeal to an appeal on top of an appeal times 100. Before its his bed time I go through the motions,

-Did he drink water? check
-Did he have a snack? check
-Bathroom? check
-Clean pjs? check.

Otherwise that boy will be like AM THIRSTY bam! 5 additional mins
I'm still hungry, bam! 30-45 mins
I need to go to the bathroom, bam! another 10 mins.
I forgot to wash my hands after the bathroom, bam! another 2 mins
*insert excuse/appeal here* bam! another 10 mins

and the appeals go on and on until all is said and done his original bed time of 8PM has been stretched to 10PM or later.  Boy is good, mashaAllah.

I run a tight ship but hubby caves too easily and inevitable messes with my highly choreographed and fine tuned bed time routine. Once I go through my checklist and I've made sure that he has been reasonably fed, hydrated and clean his appeals get DENIED. If I fail to do my checklist and there is reasonable doubt that he may in fact be hungry, thirsty and or needs to go to the bathroom his appeal gets accepted but he still has to return to bed afterward.

Hubby disregards my checklists and argues on my toddlers behalf, "maybe he is thirsty?" Dude, you don't know who you dealing with.

May 5, 2012

Hubby has invaded my naughty dreams

As Salaamu Aalaykum,
I don't know how to say this without it coming off the wrong way.  So here goes, since I got married in Dec. 2006 my husband has been in ALL my naughty dreams, like ALL of them in all varying degrees of naughty. Last night I had a really nice mild dream with just us cuddling and it felt so nice and safe. MashaAllah. I woke up and he was in the kitchen feeding the children breakfast and it made me go all fuzzy inside for him.  Then I find out that even though the fridge is packed with food, two kinds of pasta, boiled potatoes, foot long bread etc, he can't 'find' food and instead fed the kids juice for breakfast.

But back to the dream, is it normal to have your husband as the male protagonist in ALL your naughty dreams?

May 4, 2012

Could have sworn I was dying last night

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

Just spent a horrible night. :( My headache was so bad my eyes hurt and I couldn't open them but keeping them close also hurt. Don't know what was going on with my stomach but it was also giving me grief. SubhanaAllah. This morning doing a lot better but the headache is still there just not as strong. Alhamdulillah.

May 3, 2012

Bat guano, why do you invade my daydreams?

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليك
I mean, how awesome is this picture?

I LOVE watching videos about intrepid cave explorers and I always 'dream' of one day doing the same but lets face it, I'm scared. Like, what if there is a time warp and I find myself chest deep in bat guano and swarmed by giant roaches? Worst case scenario I find out that dinosaurs aren't extinct but rather they just moved underground and I'm now neck deep in bat guano about to be lunch.

STOP IT! Imagination stop it.

May 2, 2012

I'm on FIRE!

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليك

Alhamdulillah, I'm working on a habit course for Ramadan while simultaneously reviewing a habit course and one of the teachers said we shouldn't try waking up early as a new habit since its hard and deals with sleep cycles.

All throughout college (freshman and sophomore years) I was perpetually late to all my 8 AM courses. I would always wake up 30 mins in to a 50 min class and frantically run from my dorm cross the street and head to class...still in pjs. I didn't even stop for the lights it was like I had a death wish or something. Ahh the invincibility of youth.

During this time I was also considering Buddhism and my school had a Roshi (zen master) and he held meditation every morning at 5 am. I ALWAYS made plans for it but NEVER made it not once, even though it was a strong desire of mine and it was a block away in a luxury building (hello, broke college student here).

When I was considering Islam I would tell myself WHY would you join a religion that REQUIRES you to wake up before sunrise? I mean honestly when was the last time you were awake for a sunrise? and not just the one when you had to pull an all nighter JUST to finish a paper. NONE that's right, setting yourself up for failure and 'sin' aren't you? Its better to just stay the way you are sleeping in late risking life and limb in the morning to go to class.

When I did take shahada (end of my sophomore yr) it was as much a surprise to me as anyone else. BUT guess what? I woke up for ALL my fajrs from day one! I mean I went back to sleep after that and risked life and limb later but this time with hijab AND I occasionally stopped for the lights. Then when I stayed up after fajr I would be so CRAZY productive I would scare myself and my professors. So it is possible to change waking up early as a first time habit if it means something to you. The stronger the meaning the more likelihood of following through. Wa Allahu alem

ps, THREE posts in one week? what am I robot. Something is wrong with me I should probably get checked out.

May 1, 2012

Perspective STOP messing with me!

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.”
― John Lubbock
Um Dayo's comment got me thinking and it also reminded me that I had the above graphic saved somewhere in my computer. I'm acutally in the process of starting new habits and it feels awesome. I want my life to be productive, to stand for something to have benefited others but more importantly my habits are atrocious and its not the kind of legacy I'd want to pass on to my children.

My toddlers are at a point where they mimic everything I say and do and I need to be presentable. I know when growing up "do as I say not as I do" didn't work and I don't have hopes it will work for my children either so my approach with my kids is "do as I say and as I do."

I was WILDLY unprepared for responsible gainful adulthood. I can survive, that's all I learned. I'm pretty confident that I can be dropped anywhere on Earth (minus the two poles) and I know I can survive and wont starve or resort to prostitution. Alhamdulillah. However, when it comes to managing my finances, social skills, running a home or any other skills needed to function in 'civil' society I am like a bull in a china shop.

Despite my moms abuse I think she did the best she could under the circumstances and the fact that I didn't go hungry or homeless while in her care speaks volumes for her.  Well, technically we went homeless this one time but she had resolved it by the end of the day so I don't count it. I want to do better for my children, I don't want them to struggle as young adults with basic life skills. I want them to enjoy life, to have a fulfilling life and to be productive members of society. inshaAllah.

I'm homeschooling my kiddos (they are 3 and 1) and since they are young it involves mostly playing. What has been amazing though is the transformation I've had since becoming a mother a few years ago. For starters I rarely had a steady meal now I'm cooking and ALL my meals are chock full of VEGETABLES! say what?! Because I want them to have a healthy relationship with veggies we go to the supermarket/farmers market and they help me chose them. My son (3) is really good at picking great vegetables mashaAllah. Before having kids I would go whole YEARS barely taking a sip of water and getting most of my hydration from sodas and juices. Eeek!! I can't believe I ever wondered WHY I would end up in the hospital with almost total renal failure every semester. Now I drink almost a gallon of water a day and my toddlers drink  it like its no problem. I'm now exercising more because I want them to have a healthy and active lifestyle and my children join me in my workouts.  I'd say my heart has always been soft but my children have made me even more compassionate and loving. Over all having children has made me a better person and has made me WANT to be be a better person. ALHAMDULILLAH.

I like the person I'm becoming.