March 4, 2012

Rough Rough Rough Week(s)

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

Its been a few rough weeks now. Alhamdulillah for everything. When it rains it pours and I am struggling to keep my head up. Last week I dealt with THIS and it hit me at the worst possible time. Blogging has been a release for me as I can let go of my past in a SAFE anonymous way. Its brought a lot of new friends and it has been overall a great experience. 

Anyway, after a LONG break from blogging there's a lot of pent up memories that need to GO. To help with that I opened up to my husband letting go of a few of them and it honestly overwhelmed him.  Dang. He was TRYING so hard to be supportive but there's only so many seriously abusive memories a person can absorb before it takes a toll on them.  So am back to blogging. InshaAllah it doesn't overwhelm you guys. *InshaAllah* 

For a few months now, I've been feeling lonely, jealous, bitter and all other nasty qualities I'd rather not have. Whenever I do feel thing I immediately make du'a for the person who brought out those emotions because they are innocent and I DO NOT want to hurt them in anyway or give them the eye. Its not that I wish they DIDN'T have what they have its more of a sadness that I lack it. Its selfish and childish but I just haven't been able to shake it off me.

I stay away from pregnant women because my miscarriage is still fresh (one year for the first twin to be miscarried and in a few weeks it will be one year since the 2nd twin was miscarried). The feeling of lost and mourning took a few months AFTER the miscarriage to hit me as I was in survival mode but, boy when it hit me, it hit me hard.  I thought I got a handle on it because I wasn't bursting in to tears but on Jan 10th I was reading an article about Jay-Z's new rap song (one of my bros is a huge fan and I was curious about his daughter). It mentioned that they had a miscarriage prior to giving birth to Blue Ivy and I burst in to tears. DANG. I just stared at my screen and cried. Cried for my loss, their loss and every other parent who has lost a child.  It burned.  Unexpected and the tears started just with the giant words spelling M I S C A R R I A G E. <--That's what did it.  Then when I read his pain and it reflected my pain the tears just poured.  
Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you'd disappear, but nah, baby, you magic
You know what made it worst?
That I hadn't considered how this would affect any future pregnancies. I'm terrified of getting pregnant again. Terrified. I feel like am barely holding on to this world as it is. Of all the things that I thought would knock me down I never expected it from a song that I haven't even heard not once. Don't want to even imagine what it would do to me if I actually hear it.
False alarms and false starts
All made better by the sound of your heart
All the pain of the last time
I prayed so hard it was the last time....

This turned out to be a long post and I've already shared a few tears I'm taking a break until tomorrow. inshaAllah. May all the parents who have lost children be granted hidayat and sakeenah in their hearts and mind from now until the day of judgment. AMEEN.

Wa Salaam,


Arezu In Wonderland said...

SubhanAllah this is sooo sad to read.
I wish you all the best sweetheart and i will make dua for you.

Big hug, Arezu

AlabasterMuslim said...

Asalaamu alaikum tuttie
I am SO sorry you are going through this :( i know its hard... Subhanallah wih my first miscarriage i bled before actually miscarrying... And when i got pregnant again i was so scared. And then i started bleeding again. I couldnt believe it. 2 years and 2 miscarriages and everyone around me was gettin pregnant and having babies and i wasnt. But alhamdullilah i prayed and prayed and my child lived. It scary to be pregnant after a miscarriage, the worry can be extreme at times and it can be all you think about. I will never have that luxury/blessing of never having to worry. But Allah subhana wa ta'ala protects us, takes care of us, and tests us. I love you for the sake of allah tuttie and inshallah things will get better for you!!!

.::Tuttie::. said...

@Arezu. AMEEN and to you too. Is this the first time you are on my blog?

.::Tuttie::. said...

@Al. AMEEN. I dread pregnancy. Been puking and feeling ill for two weeks now and immediately I started fearing pregnancy. My period came and it was such a relief.

inshaAllah eventually I'll get over it but for the time being I'm like a kid scared of the boogey man.