I've been away from blogging for a few months and its because I was dealing with a lot. Life catches up with you, things you've neatly tucked away to deal with "later" fester until you HAVE to deal with them. Anyway, the miscarriage that started around this time last year really had a profound affect on me more so than I anticipated or care to admit.
I always considered myself a strong person, someone that can weather the storm and survive relatively unscathed. I survived war, rape, leukemia and abuse long before I was 18. The fact that I SURVIVED those things as a child and they didn't destroy me filled me with a great sense of pride, of being a warrior. My motto back then would have been "never give up, never surrender and never ever admit defeat."
Since the birth of my baby girl in Sept 2010 though my world has not been the same. The positives? I LOVE my baby girl and she is now 15 months old and very attached to me. Her love heals me. The years of repressed memories don't send me in to panic attacks and I am DEALING with things instead of PRETENDING to deal with issues.
The negatives? I've become more vulnerable, my heart is too tender and I cry easily. This may not bother many people but it bothers me. This isn't me. What happened to me? I miss the old me, the one with thick skin and warrior attitude.
Take yesterday for example, I was listening to a live lecture from someone I had never heard about and they (I'm hoping to keep the gender private) seemed very angry and arrogant in their mannerism. Long story short I answered a question that apparently I had no right answering and got a tongue lashing from this person who was apparently very offended that I had the audacity to consider myself a scholar and that they OWNED the site and they OWNED this and they OWNED that. Mind you this would have made me laugh a few years ago because this person was acting like a caricature and I would have brushed it off as some insane egomaniac on the internet and forgotten about it the next second.
Instead this is what happened...I BURST in to tears. *GASP* Full on tears, snot and heavy breathing. I didn't defend myself and I exited out of the live feed but only after listening to about 5 mins of this person going on and on about me and when it was clear they weren't going to stop as they were being encouraged on by their followers. Awesome dawah.
THANK GOD I was only listening and not on the phone or it would have been doubly embarrassing if they had heard me so upset. I felt humiliated and embarrassed. This person's response was so heavy handed and out of proportion to the transgression that I was shell shocked and didn't know what hit me. I got angry and I was angry with myself as well because really, to listen to 5 mins of a stranger giving you a tongue lashing in front of an audience of strangers with a few acquaintances sprinkled in? I used to do that when my mom would start her long rants about how useless and stupid I was but at least then I didn't have a choice. I thought I outgrew that but its so familiar that when I found myself in it again I reverted right back to my old behavior. Self flagellation.
I was so upset but I didn't want to talk to anyone because I was embarrassed and my husband wasn't home. So I made du'a for myself and then included that "teacher" in my du'as as well in the hopes that by making du'a for them my heart would leave the extreme hate I was feeling towards them. It actually worked alhamdulillah. I was feeling better not as humiliated and was slowly detaching myself emotionally from the situation. Then my husband answered the phone and asked me what was wrong and I burst in to tears again, couldn't even communicate properly and all that small progress I had made was out the window.
So since yesterday I've been thinking about my reaction and although I can conveniently "blame" this on that time of the month even THAT is an anomaly for me. I don't PMS, have crazy mood swings and it doesn't alter my personality or ability to cope with things. Now all of a sudden I get back pain and I become a crying baby at a moments notice?
Seriously what the heck is going on?
ps About the "teacher" they were right I shouldn't have answered and although my answer was correct the problem wasn't the answer but that I had no right in answering a question I was not qualified to answer as it would start an avalanche of everyone thinking they can answer a question.