December 12, 2012


Still feeling in the dumps and depressed BUT I'm making progress! I'm not AS depressed as I was a few days ago so PROGRESS! I also saw this today in my feed and I'm torn. I can't complaint to anyone offline as they are few in numbers and mostly related to the person I'm having the problem with on the other I see what this poster is trying to say.

I'll try it tomorrow.

December 5, 2012

Consumed and Angry

As Salamu Aalaykum,
The last few years have been rough but they've also been my best years. I got married to my soul mate, nearly sabotaged that relationship because I didn't feel that I deserved happiness and other self destructive behavior. Gave birth to my two lovelies and with that came some healing from my childhood trauma. etc.

I've been under a shaytan coordinated attack since AT LEAST October of this year and then it got worst and now a few months into this and I'm almost a shell.

First I was able to separate the instigator and his new wife. Then slowly I merged them into one entity in my head and I just stayed away from both of them. Since they are living with someone I know and I merged them (my friends) with the instigator and his wife (again ALSO in my head). Today while I was frantically cleaning my kitchen (its been too long) I added my husband to that crap list.  This made me pause, like OMG this is affecting me more than I gave it credit for! Did I just think that because they are related my husband is in cahoots with that jerk against me? Paranoia now? Hasn't this person taken enough from me and now my mental health too?

I'm angry. 

I'm angry at the instigator, I'm sad at how its affecting my relationship with my friends (the one the jerk and his wife are staying with) and am mad that he is related to my husband so its not someone I can avoid forever. I'm angry I can't express myself without backbiting. I'm angry that I'm angry about someone that I don't communicate yet their grade school stunts and total disrespect for me and my hijab has consumed me (btw I'm 27 and the jerk is in his mid 30's). I'm angry that my dislike for this person is turning into HATE. I don't even hate those who abused me and yet this person is getting me there. WHY? prick. He recorded the answering machine message for my friends and when I call and get the recording I cringe and get heartburn. Like fingernails to chalkboard, gross human being. I don't leave messages any more.

I'm angry that I was made to feel inferior by that douchebag who wasn't an angel and has a lot of dirt on him. Dirt I know of because it was so damn blatant. So if you are going to be on a high horse at least keep your dirt hidden.

I'm angry that 6 yrs ago he put my husband in a position to discuss things about me that he had no biz knowing and in order to protect my privacy my husband lied. I'm angry that he felt the need to lie since I wasn't a virgin because I WAS RAPED AS A CHILD YOU JERK! That doesn't need an explanation and its none of that douches biz. I'm angry. *jerk being the douche not the hubby.*

I'm angry and all I really want to do is take a bat to him. I'm angry that throughout the years I've given him a pass believing he was just oblivious only to find out 6 yrs later that his douchiness had more to do with him having a low opinion of me and feeling I didn't deserve respect. I'm angry that I didn't stand up to him sooner. I'm angry that I was so laid back and mild.

I feel disrespected, USED, slandered and overall I feel unprotected. I feel so alone.

My friend called me today to let me know that douche and his wife were gone for a few days and that I can come over. I don't want to see her. As much as I love her I don't want to be in their house. I went this past Sunday for an hour and some change and haven't been able to recover from it and its 11PM on a Wednesday. The douche was working on Sunday and yet I found the experience of visiting my friends draining on my health and iman.

I'm angry.

December 2, 2012

Black Blood

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

I've been sick and taking care of everyone else but me. The closes thing I felt to someone doing that for me was when I lived with my in laws and a few weeks back when we temporarily stayed with them because of the storm. They cooked for me and nursed me back to health by the mercy of Allah. My MIL even volunteered her room and bed so we could stay and she took a sleeping bag into my SIL's room. LONG STORY. My MIL has very fragile health and I objected to this arrangement but at the end of the day I was too sick to make a strong enough stand and after days of not sleeping properly my MIL was blessed with sleep so it was decided without me.

My FIL would take the kids in the morning to play with them while I got some time to myself. Then in the evening my MIL would take the kids until it was time for bed and I would handle them. In the meantime they fed and did istinja for my toddler and would only call me for my 2 yr olds diaper changes or for qailulah (their nap time). It was great, alhamdulilllah. My FIL thought that because my MIL was helping a slave of Allah (my children and I) that she was getting help from Allah and receiving reprieve from her condition. Prior to us staying her health was so bad we thought we might need to hospitalize her for a while. She made a miraculous recovery the month we were there, Allahu Akbar.  Both my inlaws are elderly and I love them dearly. After years of issues, abuse and pain I finally have a family that loves me.  Sadly, I've been treated better than by my own family. May Allah swt bless them with hidayat. ameen.

Anyway two nights ago feeling dejected, sick, with a fever and unsupported I started feeling pitty for myself.  Pity, that I was away from my inlaws so I couldn't get help, my husband was working 16+ hrs a day and was too tired to help and both my kids were sick. Pity that in my childhood I felt unprotected and had to fend for myself when I was sick. I started reminiscing of the times in my life when I felt this hopeless. AstaghfiraAllah.

I remembered being in my mid teens and being so sick that I couldn't go to school or go to the factory to work with my mom. She sent me to Sabrina's bakery that was 1.5 blocks away from my house and as a power walker it would have only taken me at most 5 mins to get that errand DONE. This time, however, it was different. It took me about 20 or so minutes just to come down the stairs from our 2nd floor apartment and 1 hour EACH way to make it back to our apartment. I was holding on to building walls and cars to make it to the bakery, place the order and come back. By the time I returned it was 2.5 hrs later and my mom had already left.

I was alone in the house with a lot of pain, fever and for some reason I was bleeding black blood. Not dark brown or any other shade of brown but BLACK. Black as in crude oil black. NEVER seen that before or since. I was delirious from my fever and so hungry. I wished and wished for soup but there was none in the house.

No one took care of me, no one bothered to check up on me during the day or to feed me and I was definitely not taken to see a doctor or to the hospital. I felt so alone and unloved.

Allah swt bless me with a cure then and I made a recovery, I don't know what was wrong with me but after a few days it went away and I was back to being the workhorse of the family.

So two nights ago I felt once again alone and unloved. Sick and fending for myself except that this time I couldn't just curl up into a ball and lick my wounds as I had two sick little ones with me. I don't EVER want them to feel the way I felt growing up. So for their sakes I overextended myself but in the end I was wiped out. Who will take care of me? I tried to verbalize this sick feeling of hopelessness to someone and it backfired. I'm posting it now to release it and move on.

la ilaha illa Allah.

November 30, 2012

In search of mercy

As Salaamu Aalaykum!

I've been feeling down. I'm expecting and due sometime at the end of January/beginning of February. So far I've dealt with hyperemesis and one complication after another. The last 3 months have been BRUTAL. Slowly my iman, health and patience have deteriorated to levels I never suspected. I've been consumed with things that neither bring me benefit nor relief. Survived Hurricane Sandy with minimal damage but had to stay with my in laws for close to a month due to a damage roof etc. My health finally hit rock bottom in the 2nd week of Nov and I was being antagonized passive aggressively by some numbnut I'm related to.

Today my toddlers and I are dealing with 102 fevers, colds and sore throats. I'm tired.

I'm SO very tired.

Trying to stay positive but its just been a rough year. Seems I've been having A LOT of rough years maybe I'm not meant to have happiness in this world and all of it is stored for me in the hereafter. Who knows. All I've been doing is complain, complain, complain. I feel like a broken record that no one cares about. I keep it together for my babies, may Allah swt have mercy on them and grant them good and ease in this life and the next.

I tried opening up to someone today but instead it backfired. At least I still have my very neglected blog. Thank you for reading this. I feel like I'm putting my message in a bottle in the hopes someone will read it and make du'a for us. Please.

October 19, 2012


I was hungry so I did an image search for cupcakes. :( Then hubs comes and searches "meat cuts." When I asked him WHY he said "I'm hungry."

And THAT is why we are soulmates. I can come up with other fluff reasons but the reality is we are too darn similar. Doesn't stop us from fighting but we would sure miss each other if the other was gone. I think most people call it dysfunctional but we call it love.

October 13, 2012


In the mid 2000's my college sent us to Maryland (a few states over) to attend a 3 day homeless coalition convention. Our job was to attend as many workshops as humanly possible and take detailed notes. These workshops were taught by successful non-profit managers from across the nation and it blew my mind how creative, responsible and caring people can be when they focus all that creativity in to something positive. MashaAllah.

We had to teach what we learned to Campus Ministry and the community service department as well as implement the most feasible programs at our school.  I attended some REALLY interesting workshops that I'm now incorporating into my homeless shelter proposal, inshaAllah. SubhanaAllah, but you know what stuck in my mind the most? Our accommodations.

We went at the end of October when it was chilly and every group had to find a spot on the gymnasium's floor. We had a curfew and we all shared the public bathroom. Blankets and sleeping bags were purposely few and a first come first serve situation. The organizers then left us with dim lights and a few open windows to let in a draft. I spent both of my nights twisting and turning on that cold hardwood floor and waking up sore and very thankful I wasn't homeless. I was never in any real danger, I had safety in numbers (other students from my college), inside a secure building of a large university, the temperature plummeted but it wasn't low enough for us to freeze or develop hypothermia (FAR from it).  I knew it was temporary and that I would be fed at a reasonable hour yet, I felt vulnerable and totally unsure of my safety and well being.

We were not told ahead of time we would be sleeping on the floor or else we would have brought our own pillows, blankets and sleeping bags. I remember my group huddling together to keep warm and more than one person to a blanket. Talk about a bonding experience! We were also to clear out of the gym, leave it as is and carry all that we brought with us from one workshop to the next. It was a humbling experience to say the least.

October 6, 2012

I've Hugged Trees...Whatevs

I can honestly say I've hugged a few trees in my life, like actually hugged them, sometimes voluntarily like when I used to climb guava and mango trees as a kid and at least one time coerced. That was in PA in the mid 2000's (I was in my teens) this hippie couple friend of the family took me across state lines to a pine tree (I think) forest. Oh yea, WITHOUT my mother's permission. NO IDEA where I was taken and I kept asking myself WHY?! WHY?! Why in the world did I get into a car with people who drink their own urine?

Anyway, they said that hugging a bunch of these majestic trees would free me of all the evil spirits, other spiritual ailments and that there were beings in the forest who come and wash your worries away. So yeah, I hugged the crap out of those trees. I hadn't spotted a forest ranger or any other people to bail me out so in the mean time I appeased the crazy folks. smh. The forest did smell good though. In the end they were harmless, completely bonkers but harmless.

And that folks is episode #258 of a never ending series Stupid Stuff I've Done In My Life or maybe I should call it Stupid Stuff I've Done In My Life That My Mom Doesn't Know About Until She Facebooks Me (oh God the horror!)

September 24, 2012

Stuff on the brain...


I've always felt that I was a compassionate, loving and caring person but after birthing my first child I felt transformed and connected to the world. I birthed at home and my labor was 8 hrs from beginning to birth and I felt energized and so alive. Alhamdulillah. I remember seeing my baby and feeling a deep bond to the women of the world. Those that came before me, those that are my contemporaries and those yet to come, regardless of race or creed or any other category one can think of.

I remember thinking about world peace (LOL! I was high on my own endorphins XD) and feeling that every human being had a mother who carried them in her womb, labored and raised them. That every bullet, every war, every man made catastrophe that ended a life also shattered hers. I kept thinking that as I was holding my child and welcoming him there was another mother somewhere in the world holding her child as it was leaving this world her heart in tatters. I made du'a for all of them. Violence and war were so senseless and I told myself that every person I came across no matter their believes, intolerance etc. that I would treat them with dignity even if they didn't deserve it just because of their mothers. I wouldn't want to hurt someone's mom.

With my 2nd child also born at home, alhamdulillah, her labor from beginning to end was 3 hrs. YA ALLAH, 3 intense hours and the only way I could power through everything happening so fast was to repeat phrases over and over. As a result I memorized ayatul kursi alhamdulillah. When she was born the feelings were a little different and because of my abuse as a child it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to protect her from the world and all I wanted to do was to keep her safe. I began to heal from my previous trauma super fast (lol! much like her birth!)

I felt like the piece of me that was stolen as a child was returned to me as a woman. Maybe not as intact as it once was but at least the hole wasn't there any more.

July 19, 2012

The BIG Picture

As Salaamu Aalaykum!

I feel like this whole moon bit is the shayateen last desperate attempt at chaos (look at me! look at me! PLEASE, PLEASE OH PLEASE look at me!). There will always be some who will get sucked in to it and cause division but at the end of the day the shayateen get locked up (or at least the big ones according to some) and Ramadan eventually begins. So I'm cools. :) You starting a day earlier or later than me doesn't take away from my Ramadan experience and hopefully it doesn't take away from yours.


May this Ramadan be our best one yet! AMEEN.

July 13, 2012


As Salaamu Aalaykum,

Isn't it interesting that children don't see other siblings with the labels "adopted, fostered or biological?" If they live with each other day in and day out, they fight and play to each other they are simply siblings. Its the adults who feel the need to categorize the relationship.

I don't think my toddler sees his sister as his 'biological sister' or loves her BECAUSE she is his biological sibling but simply as HIS sister. The one who steals his toys and occasionally his food but his sister and playmate all the same. #Iwanttofoster&adopt

July 8, 2012

Dear Morning Sickness...I welcome you.

As Salaamu Aalaykum.

Morning sickness has been my constant companion, all day, every day for a little over 2 months now. On the one hand I can barely get anything done but on the other hand I've previously had a miscarriage so I prefer morning sickness to that. :) Alhamdulillah.

btw midwife suspected twins but so far only one baby and one heartbeat. Alhamdulillah.

I've never had morning sickness this bad and I've lost about 12lbs due to it. I only threw up once because I try EVERYTHING not to but subhanaAllah I'm still losing weight.

May Allah swt grant me complete shifaa from all that is ailing me, may the pregnancy be a healthy one and may the baby or babies be born healthy and to term. If they have any deficiencies may it be healed. AMEEN. I ask the same for all the pregnant women of the world. AMEEN.

Wa Salaam,

July 1, 2012

Massachusetts House of Representatives and Judge Rotenberg Center YOU SUCK!

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

I received this in my email and I'm FURIOUS! I'm in tears. I signed the petition weeks if not months ago to STOP THIS TORTURE of children and disabled children at that. I mean the defenseless of the defenseless. Look at Rachel, just SEEING the device that activates the shock treatment was enough to make her whine and try to get away. POOR BABIES.

This is hard for me to say, but on Wednesday, the leadership of the Massachusetts House of Representatives chose not to support a bill that would ban the use of electric shocks on disabled people in the state. Massachusetts is the only state in the country where this still takes place. 
I started my petition after I saw this abuse firsthand as a teacher's aide at the Judge Rotenberg Center. I had no idea that you and more than 250,000 others would join me, and together demand Massachusetts lawmakers stop the abuse of my former students -- thank you.
Even though this bill didn't pass, I'm incredibly proud of the attention we've brought to the abuse taking place at the JRC. Here are some of the things that we've accomplished:
  • The United Nations has announced that they are now investigating the JRC's use of electric shocks to see if they meet the international guidelines for torture.
  • Anderson Cooper exposed that the JRC has been misleading the public about having FDA approval for its electric shock machines, and the campaign has been covered by media from CNN to Fox News.
  • More than 30 human rights and disability organizations came out in support of our efforts. 
It was always going to be a hard fight -- the JRC spent millions of dollars on lawyers, lobbyists and public relations professionals to influence these lawmakers. But thanks to your support, the world knows what goes on in Canton, Massachusetts, and the JRC won’t be able to escape scrutiny like before.

June 22, 2012

So I'm Pregnant

As Salaamu Aalaykum,
Earlier this month I peed on a stick and voila was immediately transformed into a ball of anxiety and stress.  The miscarriage last year (well its now about a year and a half) was brutal and painful and lasted close to 6 months! I felt I was trapped in a body that was in labor for SIX MONTHS 2/3 of the time spent being told by the medical profession that I was not pregnant but couldn't explain my continuous bleeding or elevated pain.


SO, after getting the results I didn't know what to do and didn't tell anyone other than hubby and stared at walls while my toddlers played, ran and made a mess all around me.  It took me another 3 days before I called my midwives to let them know. One of the ways I calmed down was to remind myself that even if I ate all the right foods, at the right time in the right amounts it wouldn't matter much if I'm a ball of stress. So I started to unwind. Since the last time the pregnancy wasn't detected by the blood tests she gave me an appt almost 2 weeks later for a Saturday. On Tuesday I got a confirmation that I was indeed pregnant and my hcg levels were WAY too high and my progesterone (hormone that maintains pregnancy was low). So by Thursday (yesterday) they had me in for an ultrasound as they thought I may be pregnant with twins or I was further along than we thought. Turns out that as far as they could see there is only one healthy baby and even though it was measuring 7weeks and 2 days it already had a heartbeat. mashaAllah alhamdulillah.

Anyway, I'm still panicky and paranoid and nearly poisoned myself yesterday because I was so out of my mind that I took something prescribed without doing my research. I sat hubby down and explained to him that I'm still scarred from the last experience and I need his help to calm me down if he sees me hyperventilating to be my voice of reason because I'm simply messed up and need to get it together.

Why am I sharing?

I felt that I needed to. If something goes wrong then y'all already know and I can unwind on this blog. I'm using it for therapy, to write down my fears and let them go. I usually feel better when I unload my anxiety anyway.

Please make du'a for me as I'm barely holding it together. I'm happy and terrified and the percentage of that shifts everyday.

May Allah swt grant me complete shifaa from all that is ailing me, may the pregnancy be a healthy one and may the baby or babies be born healthy and to term. If they have any deficiencies may it be healed. AMEEN. I ask the same for all the pregnant women of the world. AMEEN.

Wa Salaam,

June 20, 2012


ma sha Allah, MA SHA ALLAH! NO WAY!?!

"Age is nothing but a number," says Ernestine Shepherd, the 75-year-old body building champion and Guinness Book of World Records holder in a BBC profile.

Want to see her in action?
*contains Music so you can mute it, you wont miss anything its just her working out**contains Music so you can mute it, you wont miss anything its just her working out*

Seriously, I hope I look HALF as good as this lady right now at 26! dang mashaAllah. Props to her it must have taken a lot of work to get there.

Read more about her HERE

Does it make you want to get healthier?

June 17, 2012

I've been plotting...

As Salaamu Aalaykum,
THIS is what I've been up to for the past few weeks. I have another project I'm working on and I'm hoping these two will help me pay off my student loans because they are CRUSHING me. So far its been live for a few hours and two people bought it! Alhamdulillah! That got me excited now I need to sell 3,998 others and it can get me out of debt. :) *in sha Allah*

Anyway the digital copy is free so go ahead and download yours :) and if you want a physical copy magcloud is handling the printing and shipping.

Ramadan Battle Plan 2012
Prepare for Ramadan and stay focused with this planner. - 52 Total pages, - 30 daily pages for Ramadan and 1 for Eid. - 3 Large monthly pages (Sha’aban, Ramadan, Shawwal) - Decompression chamber pages to plan each third of Ramadan - Reminders of the benefits of Ramadan - 2500 good…

May 30, 2012

I am now close to 40Gs in the hole :(

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

When I started blogging my student loans were close to $30,000 they are now close to $40,000. :( I called to straighten some things out and the customer service rep was horrible. I'm angry and heavily in debt.

Time to hustle. I'm trying to get debt free in 3 yrs. I've had enough of this garbage.

May 22, 2012

I live down the street from a violent rapist

As Salaamu Aalaykum,
Apparently last night a man that lives on my street brutally attacked a young woman and raped her. He was caught mid act and took off running still trying to keep his pants up.  SubhanaAllah!

May the victim heal and overcome this trauma. AMEEN
This has been unsettling for me, as a survivor of rape and a severe case of social anxiety that I only just got a hold on this freaks me out. The rape occurred near a street I walk with my toddlers on our daily walks. I'm back to NOT wanting to set foot outside my house but I can't let this affect my kids. :/  What to do?

May 17, 2012

Extremely strict...

 Make Islam a lifejacket for the people, not a straitjacket. Take it easy! The Prophet ﷺ said, "Give glad tidings, don't turn people away!" -taken from Abu Eesa Niamatullah.
 As Salaamu Aaalaykum, my thoughts...
Extremely strict or extremely liberal are subjective terms. As a person with HORRIBLE habits before Islam, one of the whispers shaytan would constantly beat me with was, "you can't make it to your morning classes on time but you want to join a religion that requires you be awake BEFORE sunrise or else be sinful?" I don't remember EVER seeing a sunrise until after I took shahada.

However, as soon as I became Muslim @Isha time it was also my first prayer and I was able to wake up for all my fajrs on time. It wasn't as difficult or stringent as I thought if you make it a priority.

I wouldn't try to push someone to do my routine as it took me 6 years to build up to where I am right now and when I look to the students of ilm around me I noticed that its almost nothing compared to what I've seen them do and only Allah swt knows of the amount they do in private. I also have to remind myself that it also took them several years of practice and adjustment to build up to where they are today.

Like I recently read, motivation gets you started but habits keep you going. If we focused on establishing GOOD habits and building on them than it starts feeling like a lifejacket. I don't know where I would be without Islam. I'd probably still be wandering around lost, helpless, feeling the pain of this dunya and not knowing how to change my life for the better.

May Allah swt grant us, our families, progeny and communities hidayat and keep us on the haqq until the day we meeth Him. AMEEN.

wa Salaam!

ps AND take advantage of your Friday! 
"Friday has twelve hours (or parts to it). There is one hour during which if a Muslim asks Allah anything, Allah will give it to him, so find it during the last hour after Asr." (Reported by Abu Dawud #926 of Sahih Al-Sunan


As Salaamu Aalaykum,

Sometimes I can be too hard on myself and the feeling of being a failure is always with me. Then I read this today and it gave me encouragement.
Feeling like a failure is a natural part of becoming a success. It’s actually a good thing and means you’re taking action and putting yourself out there.
Blog therapy... I LOVE YOU.

May 12, 2012

I've been written off

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

I'm sad. I *think* I've been written off as a friend. I tried reaching out to a person who used to be one of my close friends and nothing. She wont respond online or pick up my calls. I don't know what happened but she appears to be doing the same to another person and I think this friendship may be over.

A few weeks ago I found out she had been diagnosed with MS and I walked about 6 miles with my 2 toddlers to see her in the hospital. I was calling the whole time and she didn't pick up when I showed up with my orange (I was broke so I couldn't afford transportation hence why I walked and I couldn't buy her a gift so I offered her an orange instead). Her response was, "that's why you were calling because you were coming"

So what to do?

May 10, 2012

Don't mess with me or you'll bound to get a du'a

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

I don't own a tv any more as most of whats on is GARBAGE and instead choose to watch my fave shows (or discover new ones) online, although not as often as I used to. News shows? Most of it is sensationalism anyway and the current boogey man is Islam. So if it is important enough my fb newsfeed will get flooded by it and then I'll look in to it.  Before I used to watch too much news and would end up mad, feeling sick and ready to have a panic attack. Not worth my time or sanity. So when I read that Islamophobe hatterati (<-new word I learned) are plotting and plotting against Muslims using whatever straws they over reach for I don't get mad or depressed or anxious any more. I can't control what they do so why stress it?

Alhamdulillah there are people better suited than I to deal with them and frankly its not in me to engage such people. What I do, however, is make CRAZY amounts of dua during most of the du'a windows when du'as are most likely to get accepted.  I've been keeping track of my du'as on a du'a list and I check them off when they've been accepted. So far I have a really high number of accepted du'as and my husband likes to say, "you know when someone gets EVERYTHING they want it usually means they are going to die soon."

H A T E R .

So back to my du'as, I read an article about some of the major Islamophobes holding conferences against us and instead of protesting those people as it will just give them traffic and who wants to do that?  I make du'a for them here is the current one
May all those who attended the conferences, promoted, sponsored or learned about these conferences and their entire families and communities be granted hidayat from now until the day of judgment. AMEEN.

I also read today that there had been plans to destroy Mecca and Medinaa among other civilian targets and there were courses being taught by the same famous Islamophobes that were influencing US and military policy. So while that would have almost burst a blood vessel before I instead made the following du'a
 May we all be kept safe from all those who wish us harm and may they all be granted hidayat. EVERY SINGLE person who was involved in the creation of these courses and others similar to it, propagators, proponents, financiers and distributors, their families and communities be granted hidayat from now until the day of judgment. AMEEN.May every single person who comments on these types of articles and others like it, their families and communities be granted hidayat and may they all become an asset to the Haqq. AMEEN
 We all have different things we are interested and are passionate about and while I am not interested in politics and prefer more social service topics I do take the time to make du'a for them. If my du'a gets accepted then a large number of people will enter Islam or something even better will be give OR it will be answered in the hereafter. Win, win, win scenario for me.

Alhamdulillah for dua.

 ps, my dua's cover a broad range of topics so this is just a sample of one. 

wa Salaam.

May 8, 2012

So I was hating and I got hit by humble pie

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

For some time I've been complaining to my husband, "this company's product is FAR inferior to mine" or "my graphics and facebook app building skills are FAR, FAR, FAR better than this guys" and not to toot my own horn (toot, toot) they are. THEY ARE better, more appealing to the eyes and better coordinated. I mean seriously.  One dude's graphics are horrible, its like what I used to do in the late 90s when I was in elementary school using an equally elementary drawing program. HOWEVER, how the heck do they beat me consistently? Do their customers have no taste? If I showed you some of the work YOU will be asking these same questions.

Anyway, while preparing for my Ramadan project I read this,
"If you cannot get market reach with your message or product or service, whatever it is that you have, then you are irrelevant. That's why mediocre product creators with superb marketing and promotional skills become multimillionaires. I've heard this so many times. "Its not fair. That person's product is so inferior to mine."
 OUCH! How did he hear me?
"That's why some of the mediocre products of the world have made the most money, because they have had better marketers and promoters at the helm. It's not that it's not fair. IT IS FAIR. They just knew what keys to hold, and they held the keys to the kingdom.
One of my competitors is doing crazy amounts of work right now and the orders don't stop coming in. MASHAALLAH. I'm not trying to take away from anyone, I just want some success of my own. So whenever I get these feelings I make du'a for the person's success because I don't want to take away from what they have. So I browsed through my stationery competitors profile and realized that while their product IS inferior to mine they ARE better marketers and promoters. While I'm home taking care of my children and working on my products on the side my competitors are going to fairs, conventions and local bazaars selling and promoting their products. Also ONE of my competitors is a stay at home who attends all the conventions/bazaars she can to promote her line of products so mashaAllah she is hustling and I have no excuse.

The facebook app and graphics guy? Turns out they are targeting the elderly so I'm assuming this demographic is not too tech savvy nor interested in making their own graphics so are a tad more inclined to outsource it to someone else. 

So it is fair. IT IS FAIR that they are kicking my behind. It would be unfair if they didn't.
What's that sound? *SPLAT* That's humble pie my friends. Let me clean myself up.
AND am back. I just googled "hating" and I'm not too keen on the meaning but this is what came up "Hating: When one puts down the success or fortune of others due to jealousy." But then again who likes being called a 'hater'? not me.

So I can whine all I want but the truth of the matter is that you need a combination of skill, marketing and promoting skills to achieve success. My competitors aren't using sexism to sell their things (SHOCKING isn't it?), there are no girly bits hanging out, no underhanded tactics, no name smearing or spreading rumors. They simply have their mediocre product (its the truth) and their pushing it like its nobody's business. MashaAllah. More power to them. I should learn from them and implement some of the strategies.

but I dislike marketing. :( SUCK IT UP! SUCK IT UP! and get back to work. Heading over to finish my Ramadan Battle Plan. *le sigh*

Wa Salaam,

May 7, 2012


As Salaamu Aalaykum,
I think maybe I should get checked by a doctor or get out more. One or the other. I think I've been depressed most of my life but didn't notice it because the abuse was far more painful.  For the last 6 years that I've been abuse free and there is no physical pain to muffle my feelings I've been noticing it more and more.

I mentioned it to my husband and he was concerned with the possible side effects of anti-depression medication since one of them is thoughts of suicide and a few people (actually more than a few) have committed suicide while on those medications. He's afraid. Technically my depression is manageable and its not severe for the benefits of the medication to outweigh the nasty side effects. A part of me wants to beat depression because I feel that the abusers are still 'winning' because I'm still dealing with their aftermath

On a similar note, I get these genius ideas followed by a serious dip in depression. Its like the price for these ideas IS a dip in depression. Know what I mean? That kind of tax sucks.

I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be blogging when am in one of those moods. It also sucks to have HUGE and awesome ideas and not have the man power or money to fully see it through. Anyway, inshaAllah tomorrow is a new day and I'll feel better bi'ithnillah.

Wa Salaam

May 6, 2012

My 3 year old is a veteran defense lawyer

As Salaamu Aalaykum.

Sometimes putting my 3 yr old to bed feels like dealing with a veteran deathrow defense lawyer, he has an appeal to an appeal on top of an appeal times 100. Before its his bed time I go through the motions,

-Did he drink water? check
-Did he have a snack? check
-Bathroom? check
-Clean pjs? check.

Otherwise that boy will be like AM THIRSTY bam! 5 additional mins
I'm still hungry, bam! 30-45 mins
I need to go to the bathroom, bam! another 10 mins.
I forgot to wash my hands after the bathroom, bam! another 2 mins
*insert excuse/appeal here* bam! another 10 mins

and the appeals go on and on until all is said and done his original bed time of 8PM has been stretched to 10PM or later.  Boy is good, mashaAllah.

I run a tight ship but hubby caves too easily and inevitable messes with my highly choreographed and fine tuned bed time routine. Once I go through my checklist and I've made sure that he has been reasonably fed, hydrated and clean his appeals get DENIED. If I fail to do my checklist and there is reasonable doubt that he may in fact be hungry, thirsty and or needs to go to the bathroom his appeal gets accepted but he still has to return to bed afterward.

Hubby disregards my checklists and argues on my toddlers behalf, "maybe he is thirsty?" Dude, you don't know who you dealing with.

May 5, 2012

Hubby has invaded my naughty dreams

As Salaamu Aalaykum,
I don't know how to say this without it coming off the wrong way.  So here goes, since I got married in Dec. 2006 my husband has been in ALL my naughty dreams, like ALL of them in all varying degrees of naughty. Last night I had a really nice mild dream with just us cuddling and it felt so nice and safe. MashaAllah. I woke up and he was in the kitchen feeding the children breakfast and it made me go all fuzzy inside for him.  Then I find out that even though the fridge is packed with food, two kinds of pasta, boiled potatoes, foot long bread etc, he can't 'find' food and instead fed the kids juice for breakfast.

But back to the dream, is it normal to have your husband as the male protagonist in ALL your naughty dreams?

May 4, 2012

Could have sworn I was dying last night

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

Just spent a horrible night. :( My headache was so bad my eyes hurt and I couldn't open them but keeping them close also hurt. Don't know what was going on with my stomach but it was also giving me grief. SubhanaAllah. This morning doing a lot better but the headache is still there just not as strong. Alhamdulillah.

May 3, 2012

Bat guano, why do you invade my daydreams?

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليك
I mean, how awesome is this picture?

I LOVE watching videos about intrepid cave explorers and I always 'dream' of one day doing the same but lets face it, I'm scared. Like, what if there is a time warp and I find myself chest deep in bat guano and swarmed by giant roaches? Worst case scenario I find out that dinosaurs aren't extinct but rather they just moved underground and I'm now neck deep in bat guano about to be lunch.

STOP IT! Imagination stop it.

May 2, 2012

I'm on FIRE!

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليك

Alhamdulillah, I'm working on a habit course for Ramadan while simultaneously reviewing a habit course and one of the teachers said we shouldn't try waking up early as a new habit since its hard and deals with sleep cycles.

All throughout college (freshman and sophomore years) I was perpetually late to all my 8 AM courses. I would always wake up 30 mins in to a 50 min class and frantically run from my dorm cross the street and head to class...still in pjs. I didn't even stop for the lights it was like I had a death wish or something. Ahh the invincibility of youth.

During this time I was also considering Buddhism and my school had a Roshi (zen master) and he held meditation every morning at 5 am. I ALWAYS made plans for it but NEVER made it not once, even though it was a strong desire of mine and it was a block away in a luxury building (hello, broke college student here).

When I was considering Islam I would tell myself WHY would you join a religion that REQUIRES you to wake up before sunrise? I mean honestly when was the last time you were awake for a sunrise? and not just the one when you had to pull an all nighter JUST to finish a paper. NONE that's right, setting yourself up for failure and 'sin' aren't you? Its better to just stay the way you are sleeping in late risking life and limb in the morning to go to class.

When I did take shahada (end of my sophomore yr) it was as much a surprise to me as anyone else. BUT guess what? I woke up for ALL my fajrs from day one! I mean I went back to sleep after that and risked life and limb later but this time with hijab AND I occasionally stopped for the lights. Then when I stayed up after fajr I would be so CRAZY productive I would scare myself and my professors. So it is possible to change waking up early as a first time habit if it means something to you. The stronger the meaning the more likelihood of following through. Wa Allahu alem

ps, THREE posts in one week? what am I robot. Something is wrong with me I should probably get checked out.

May 1, 2012

Perspective STOP messing with me!

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.”
― John Lubbock
Um Dayo's comment got me thinking and it also reminded me that I had the above graphic saved somewhere in my computer. I'm acutally in the process of starting new habits and it feels awesome. I want my life to be productive, to stand for something to have benefited others but more importantly my habits are atrocious and its not the kind of legacy I'd want to pass on to my children.

My toddlers are at a point where they mimic everything I say and do and I need to be presentable. I know when growing up "do as I say not as I do" didn't work and I don't have hopes it will work for my children either so my approach with my kids is "do as I say and as I do."

I was WILDLY unprepared for responsible gainful adulthood. I can survive, that's all I learned. I'm pretty confident that I can be dropped anywhere on Earth (minus the two poles) and I know I can survive and wont starve or resort to prostitution. Alhamdulillah. However, when it comes to managing my finances, social skills, running a home or any other skills needed to function in 'civil' society I am like a bull in a china shop.

Despite my moms abuse I think she did the best she could under the circumstances and the fact that I didn't go hungry or homeless while in her care speaks volumes for her.  Well, technically we went homeless this one time but she had resolved it by the end of the day so I don't count it. I want to do better for my children, I don't want them to struggle as young adults with basic life skills. I want them to enjoy life, to have a fulfilling life and to be productive members of society. inshaAllah.

I'm homeschooling my kiddos (they are 3 and 1) and since they are young it involves mostly playing. What has been amazing though is the transformation I've had since becoming a mother a few years ago. For starters I rarely had a steady meal now I'm cooking and ALL my meals are chock full of VEGETABLES! say what?! Because I want them to have a healthy relationship with veggies we go to the supermarket/farmers market and they help me chose them. My son (3) is really good at picking great vegetables mashaAllah. Before having kids I would go whole YEARS barely taking a sip of water and getting most of my hydration from sodas and juices. Eeek!! I can't believe I ever wondered WHY I would end up in the hospital with almost total renal failure every semester. Now I drink almost a gallon of water a day and my toddlers drink  it like its no problem. I'm now exercising more because I want them to have a healthy and active lifestyle and my children join me in my workouts.  I'd say my heart has always been soft but my children have made me even more compassionate and loving. Over all having children has made me a better person and has made me WANT to be be a better person. ALHAMDULILLAH.

I like the person I'm becoming.

April 30, 2012

Pain and Disappointment

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

I think I've reached the level where the pain and disappointment in my professional life (dealing with biz goals) has reached its breaking point.  I took a class once (maybe in 09 or 2010) with Sh. Muhammad Alshareef and he was discussing how people don't make change until the pain becomes unbearable and he couldn't help anyone who's life was not too bad or not too good just chugging on by as the don't feel the pain to change.

SubhanaAllah. WATCHING that course, being told exactly what was wrong with me and I was all "meh" I'm good. Looking back I realize my life in terms of my biz goals was not too bad to be insufferable but not that good ether.  dang. As I'm getting older (will be 27 in July) I realize I haven't really accomplished a lot of the things I've set out to do.

There was a CERTAIN and PARTICULAR way I wanted my life to go and being married or having kids wasn't even on the list although those are my highlights and am thankful for them now. Then again I was 14 when I set out to do those things and all my goals were on a professional/biz focus and totally ignoring the personal/family life since I was an army of one at the time.

The problem has and still is that I haven't replaced all my goals with other new goals. Its been years that I've known this and I'm pretty sure I've even written one or two posts about this. *sigh* Instead I look at those deadlines pass me by and I mourn them. Even though I don't even want to do what I had once set out to do. Make sense? It doesn't to me either yet I keep doing it.

Some of my friends are in similar straits but in reverse. While my personal and family life is great even though I never planned for it I haven't achieved much professionally. My friends have great professional lives (although they did plan for it and have worked their tails off) but don't have a steady relationship and want to be married with kids.

^found it appropriate.
NO MORE! I shall fertilize my own grass! wait. I don't know how that metaphor works here but what am trying to say is I'm changing. I can't live with the discomfort and self flagellation any more. I'm too young to be having these kinds of regrets and its just not productive.

SO NO MORE, I say.

ps, I also promise to blog once a week....I lost my mojo.

April 11, 2012

Help Nadoona WIN! *inshaAllah*

I saw this today on my newsfeed and wanted to share as I hope they win!

Nadoona is actually in Michelle Obama's video challenge. The video with the most VOTES will be invited to the White House inshAllah. The challenge was for faith based organizations who are helping make a difference in the health of children. We are the only Muslim organization in the challenge.

Could you please vote for Nadoona? you can use facebook to create a login or use your email and then just click vote in the top right of the video. If you could share it with your groups as well that would be wonderful. We've got to have Muslims represent!

To VOTE visit:

To join Nadoona FB Group:

To learn about the Non-Profit Organization :

You can vote DAILY till May 11! Spread the word! 
Their fb even is

March 31, 2012

I saw the Angel of Death in a dream a few nights ago.

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

A few nights ago I had a VERY long and detailed dream and saw the Angel of Death and all I could say while I glimpsed at the tip of its humungous wings was, "wow, you're beautiful." Mostly I was awestruck by its beauty, magnificence, splendor and it was impressive. Actually the word beautiful and its synonyms don't do that creature justice, subhanaAllah.  He/It appeared a split second after a man made disaster the tip of his wing appearing in the horizon so large that I could not see what it was attached to. I don't remember if it spoke back to me as I was too enthralled by its presence or if it even heard me say "wow you're beautiful."

I'm still in awe of it and the dream was not at all scary as it may sound although heavy on the details and when I woke up the difference in me was drastic. I don't fear death or the grave any more (I used to fear it with a paralyzing fear), I know it will happen whenever my time on this Earth is up. Alhamdulillah. What I am worried about now is making sure I have as many good deeds as I can possibly get.

May my best deeds be my last deeds and may the day I meet Him swt be my best day. AMEEN.

Shockingly I've lost interest in some of the things that I held dear to me before the dream but after dream that interest is gone. Like it was surgically removed and not a trace of it left behind, its not that I dislike or HATE those things now, just that I no longer have any interest in them.  Now I want to maximize my deeds, get myself together and be productive in society, life and deen.

Its like a burning desire to do better to be better to reach and exceed my potential and in a sobering way also a desire to get my affairs in order.

ps, Don't try to interpret my dream as it was so detailed I could write a book on it. May Allah swt grant me the good from that dream and save me from the evils of that dream. AMEEN.

I'm completely rethinking how I spend my time as well as the purpose of my many fb pages will be.  May Allah swt grant us all hidayat. AMEEN

March 21, 2012

Trayvon you will get justice INSHAALLAH

I haven't been blogging recently as I've been on facebook feverishly posting about the Trayvon Martin case from Florida.  Trayvon an unarmed 17yr old walking from the store when George Zimmerman a self-appointed neighborhood watch captain stalked, confronted and fatally shot the teen.  George was told by 911 dispatchers to STOP following the teen but he didn't listen.  Unfortunately teenagers of all races get murdered everyday but what makes this case so infuriating is that the killer vigilante has NOT been charged for the murder of Trayvon and is hiding behind Florida's Stand Your Ground law.  A law that allows you to use deadly force (although it HEAVILY favors gun owners) to defend yourself. At first authorities said it was because he had a 'squeaky clean record' and there was nothing contradicting his self defense claim. Zimmerman was not taken in to custody or tested for any intoxicants.

However, its been close to a MONTH!  A MONTH! the 911 tapes have been released and this man-child is still walking free. Alhamdulillah the FBI and DOJ are FINALLY getting involved and I hope his family gets justice.
Zimmerman, who violated major parts of the Neighborhood Watch Manual, which states "It should be emphasized to members that they do not possess police powers. And they shall not carry weapons or pursue vehicles."

There are about 22,000 registered watch groups nationwide, and Zimmerman was not part of a registered group, which police were not aware of at the time of Martin's killing, said Chris Tutko, the director of the National Neighborhood Watch program. read more
How could self defense be applied when someone does not follow 911 dispatchers  orders and INSTIGATES a confrontation? BLOWS MY MIND.

I've taken a special interest in this case because Trayvon resembles my two brothers one still a teenager and the other who just hit 21 and both are still living in Florida.  I've always worried about my brothers because of their looks and what others will perceive of them but it never occurred to me that the SYG law could be used to kill them IF someone feels threatened by their LOOKS.  I really hope there is a resolution to this case because its a damn shame that this man is still walking free. DAMN SHAME.

May this family be granted hidayat and sakeenah in their hearts to overcome their loss and may Trayvon's killer be brought to justice. AMEEN
to sign the petition:

March 10, 2012

May you have the Highest Jannah Sister Ny Gany

As Salaamu Aalaykum
A facebook friend passed away today, inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajiuun. May Allah swt have mercy on Najma Yasmin Ny Gani's soul, may her sins be forgiven, may all of her good deeds and prayers be accepted as complete. AMEEN.
Our sister passed away today (10th March 2012) peacefully in hospital. Her janaaza will be taking place at the Islamic Centre of Greenwich on 11th March (address: 131 Plumstead Road SE18 7DW). She wanted us to communicate this on here so everyone can attend and make duah for her. This will take place after zhur prayers so please be present from 12:30pm if you can. Her burial will take place at the Garden of Peace afterwards. Thank you Osman and Sabina. LINK
I've been following her diagnosis because as a child I was diagnosed with leukemia and after chemo it successfully went in to remission by age 7, alhamdulillah. I was as skinny as a bone, subhanaAllah.
feb 17th is a day of reflection for me & my family, its the day six years ago i was diagnosed with leukaemia. six years on i am still fighting, im worn out & my life has turned out completely different to what i imagined. i have so much to be thankful for, and so many questions for my creator....but at the end of this i know there is a better place where pain & disease no longer exist and the battle in this life will def be worth the rewards of the took a while to reach this conclusion but alhamdulilah i understand it now. LINK
Please keep our sister in your du'as because by tomorrow night it will be the first night in the grave for her.  May Allah swt forgive her and reward her immensely. AMEEN.

Wa Salaam

March 8, 2012

Answering ̶E̶v̶e̶r̶y̶o̶n̶e̶ Anyone? o.O ...nafsi! nafsi!

I saw the following status update being passed around in my circle of friends and I wanted to share it with you all. When I read "call people to the Quran and Sunnah and not to bother with their doubts and whims" I cringed. WHY NOT?! WE SHOULD confront those doubts and dispel them. However, after some time to cool off I agree somewhat with it.
There are so many bad ideas and doubts. Life is too short to answer it all and it harms more than benefits. The correct methodology is to call people to the Quran and Sunnah and not to bother with their doubts and whims. The heart is easily affected and one must protect it to preserve it from change. Most of those who went astray were those who were over confident. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam forbade us from facing the Dajjal when he comes out, fearing that one will follow him due to the tribulations that he brings with him. Allah says: “then sit not with them, until they engage in a talk other than that; (but if you stayed with them) certainly in that case you would be like them”. How many went astray and were indulged in acts of hypocrisy and doubts unknowingly due to listening to falsehood? -Assim Alhakeem
There was a brother (don't remember his name, screen name or anything else--nor do I want to remember, please don't post his information--) but he used to make videos tearing down people who'd left Islam. I watched ONE of his videos because it happened to be about a friend of mine who had left Islam. He was very harsh, delineating how they were never Muslim to begin with since their views weren't Islamic from the get go etc. A few months after posting that video he also left Islam and created a video about it (the same ones he would mock & tear up before) but I didn't watch it. After all those videos appearing so strong and sure of his beliefs he left. inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajiuun.

Anyway my point is that I feel comfortable in my Islam and am willing to share my love for it to others but don't feel the need to go through every post on every blog and forum to defend Islam. I make du'a for the world. I truly want for them what I want for myself but I wont beat anyone into submission. I'm to relay the message and the recipient is to do with it as she pleases.  InshaAllah it is well received.

That's all folks!

ps, May we and all those who have strayed be granted hidayat and brought back to the haqq until the day of judgment. AMEEN


pps, btw just so there are no misunderstanding I DO NOT know who Assim Alhakeem is. I found his status update interesting and wanted to reference him so I can remember where I got it from. It doesn't mean I know the person or condone ALL of their behavior.

March 4, 2012

Rough Rough Rough Week(s)

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

Its been a few rough weeks now. Alhamdulillah for everything. When it rains it pours and I am struggling to keep my head up. Last week I dealt with THIS and it hit me at the worst possible time. Blogging has been a release for me as I can let go of my past in a SAFE anonymous way. Its brought a lot of new friends and it has been overall a great experience. 

Anyway, after a LONG break from blogging there's a lot of pent up memories that need to GO. To help with that I opened up to my husband letting go of a few of them and it honestly overwhelmed him.  Dang. He was TRYING so hard to be supportive but there's only so many seriously abusive memories a person can absorb before it takes a toll on them.  So am back to blogging. InshaAllah it doesn't overwhelm you guys. *InshaAllah* 

For a few months now, I've been feeling lonely, jealous, bitter and all other nasty qualities I'd rather not have. Whenever I do feel thing I immediately make du'a for the person who brought out those emotions because they are innocent and I DO NOT want to hurt them in anyway or give them the eye. Its not that I wish they DIDN'T have what they have its more of a sadness that I lack it. Its selfish and childish but I just haven't been able to shake it off me.

I stay away from pregnant women because my miscarriage is still fresh (one year for the first twin to be miscarried and in a few weeks it will be one year since the 2nd twin was miscarried). The feeling of lost and mourning took a few months AFTER the miscarriage to hit me as I was in survival mode but, boy when it hit me, it hit me hard.  I thought I got a handle on it because I wasn't bursting in to tears but on Jan 10th I was reading an article about Jay-Z's new rap song (one of my bros is a huge fan and I was curious about his daughter). It mentioned that they had a miscarriage prior to giving birth to Blue Ivy and I burst in to tears. DANG. I just stared at my screen and cried. Cried for my loss, their loss and every other parent who has lost a child.  It burned.  Unexpected and the tears started just with the giant words spelling M I S C A R R I A G E. <--That's what did it.  Then when I read his pain and it reflected my pain the tears just poured.  
Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you'd disappear, but nah, baby, you magic
You know what made it worst?
That I hadn't considered how this would affect any future pregnancies. I'm terrified of getting pregnant again. Terrified. I feel like am barely holding on to this world as it is. Of all the things that I thought would knock me down I never expected it from a song that I haven't even heard not once. Don't want to even imagine what it would do to me if I actually hear it.
False alarms and false starts
All made better by the sound of your heart
All the pain of the last time
I prayed so hard it was the last time....

This turned out to be a long post and I've already shared a few tears I'm taking a break until tomorrow. inshaAllah. May all the parents who have lost children be granted hidayat and sakeenah in their hearts and mind from now until the day of judgment. AMEEN.

Wa Salaam,

March 1, 2012


After 7 months of going over to wordpress am back to blogger, will you take me back? It was lonely over there and blogging was supposed to be my stress reliever but it became a JOB. Had to constantly keep upgrading and tweaking it all the time so that it would actually work
I stopped following my fave blogs because I had to log back in to blogger to do that and I hate login in to stuff. (mental barriers).  I'm hoping to catch up on my reading now that am back inshaAllah.

What have you ladies been upto?

February 13, 2012


For 2012 I decided I WILL be more social so I signed up for meetup and started a few groups (I'm closing them as I can't afford them...oops). However, as I started searching the site I discovered some pretty SWEET meetups take the following one for example


There's another meetup for light saber FIGHT CLUB! (

2012 is gonna be AWESOME!

January 9, 2012

First day of homeschooling

 Today was my 3 yr olds first day of more structured homeschooling. Usually we just play, lounge around or go to the park and I teach him in between. Our school supplies came in on Friday and he was SOOOO excited to get started and even though I told him we would start on Monday it didn't stop him from asking me every 30 minutes if it was Monday yet.  The structured thing was not well received but I'll give it some more time since we are still new at this.

I'm basically learning the lessons first and then teaching it to my toddler.  I LOVE IT! I am using 'homeschooling' to delve in to all kinds of things I wish  I could have done growing up and sharing it with my son. Today we had Arabic and will do it again tomorrow and on Wednesday and Thursday we are doing Spanish. :)

I want to take more pictures but I think I"ll be too busy running around and keeping a 1 year old from destroying my 3 yr old's  notebooks and supplies.

Life is Good. Alhamdulillah. Still dealing with some dark stuff but the good is starting to win out. :)

January 5, 2012

I've Gone MAD!

I've been away from blogging for a few months and its because I was dealing with a lot.  Life catches up with you, things you've neatly tucked away to deal with "later" fester until you HAVE to deal with them.  Anyway, the miscarriage that started around this time last year really had a profound affect on me more so than I anticipated or care to admit.

I always considered myself a strong person, someone that can weather the storm and survive relatively unscathed. I survived war, rape, leukemia and abuse long before I was 18.  The fact that I SURVIVED those things as a child and they didn't destroy me filled me with a great sense of pride, of being a warrior.  My motto back then would have been "never give up, never surrender and never ever admit defeat."

Since the birth of my baby girl in Sept 2010 though my world has not been the same.  The positives? I LOVE my baby girl and she is now 15 months old and very attached to me. Her love heals me. The years of repressed memories don't send me in to panic attacks and I am DEALING with things instead of PRETENDING to deal with issues.

The negatives? I've become more vulnerable, my heart is too tender and I cry easily. This may not bother many people but it bothers me. This isn't me. What happened to me?  I miss the old me, the one with thick skin and warrior attitude.

Take yesterday for example, I was listening to a live lecture from someone I had never heard about and they (I'm hoping to keep the gender private) seemed very angry and arrogant in their mannerism.  Long story short I answered a question that apparently I had no right answering and got a tongue lashing from this person who was apparently very offended that I had the audacity to consider myself a scholar and that they OWNED the site and they OWNED this and they OWNED that.  Mind you this would have made me laugh a few years ago because this person was acting like a caricature and I would have brushed it off as some insane egomaniac on the internet and forgotten about it the next second.

Instead this is what happened...I BURST in to tears. *GASP* Full on tears, snot and heavy breathing.  I didn't defend myself and I exited out of the live feed but only after listening to about 5 mins of this person going on and on about me and when it was clear they weren't going to stop as they were being encouraged on by their followers. Awesome dawah.

THANK GOD I was only listening and not on the phone or it would have been doubly embarrassing if they had heard me so upset. I felt humiliated and embarrassed. This person's response was so heavy handed and out of proportion to the transgression that I was shell shocked and didn't know what hit me. I got angry and I was angry with myself as well because really, to listen to 5 mins of a stranger giving you a tongue lashing in front of an audience of strangers with a few acquaintances sprinkled in? I used to do that when my mom would start her long rants about how useless and stupid I was but at least then I didn't have a choice.  I thought I outgrew that but its so familiar that when I found myself in it again I reverted right back to my old behavior. Self flagellation.

I was so upset but I didn't want to talk to anyone because I was embarrassed and my husband wasn't home. So I made du'a for myself and then included that "teacher" in my du'as as well in the hopes that by making du'a for them my heart would leave the extreme hate I was feeling towards them.  It actually worked alhamdulillah. I was feeling better not as humiliated and was slowly detaching myself emotionally from the situation. Then my husband answered the phone and asked me what was wrong and I burst in to tears again, couldn't even communicate properly and all that small progress I had made was out the window.

So since yesterday I've been thinking about my reaction and although I can conveniently "blame" this on that time of the month even THAT is an anomaly for me.  I don't PMS, have crazy mood swings and it doesn't alter my personality or ability to cope with things.  Now all of a sudden I get back pain and I become a crying baby at a moments notice?

Seriously what the heck is going on?


ps About the "teacher" they were right I shouldn't have answered and although my answer was correct the problem wasn't the answer but that I had no right in answering a question I was not qualified to answer as it would start an avalanche of everyone thinking they can answer a question.