April 5, 2011

Why even bother?

 I have been watching far too much tv from my computer and it has dulled my heart.  The premise is all the same regardless of the genre.  The message? We are all lonely trying to find something in common with someone else, to feel alive, to be loved and yet despite all the social media/networks, cellphones, instant message we are still alone and less connected to each other than before.

Depressing.  I was there once and occasionally I go back to that stage. I was lonely wanting a family, wanting to be loved.   I became Muslim and found inner peace (then quickly proceeded to lose it because I could), 9 months later found my husband and 4+ years after that I am the mother of two children with a husband I love and occasionally hate (well, that's a strong word since just the thought of him dying or not being around sends me in to panic).  But you guys get where I am going with that right?

My current obsession is Dead Like Me about modern day grim reapers. The show only had 2 seasons and I have basically had a marathon watching all of season one and moving on to season two.  The show depressed me.  Its like I am just killing time until its my turn to go in to the dirt. I mean what am I doing with my life? What have I done so far?

This miscarriage has really messed with my hormones and feelings. The post partum that I thought I had shaken off is back with a vengeance. I stopped sharing with my close friends after one inferred I tended to be melodramatic. Not her exact words but then again she was also the one who told me that if I didn't know I had it (the pregnancy) did I really lose anything?  I ditched her. 

It sucks. This whole thing is pretty new to me. My whole life I survived through crapfests by keeping the cards close to me, by not sharing my feelings, by staying in the shadows and not getting close. Since I have been married I have share more with hubby (kinda had to).  I wasn't going to share with him but I figured he wasn't getting married to be my own personal shrink and me his very own basket case. So he KNEW what he was getting in to.  Even after we married I still sabotage myself to the point that I am wondering why my husband even kept me. May Allah swt have mercy on him, ameen.

I started blogging because I felt I was drowning, my social anxiety was keeping me from going outside and I was a one woman marriage wrecking crew.  It helped, it helped A LOT.  I became 'saner', I met and connected with many sisters from all over the world (that was pretty sweet). I have never been compared to a drama queen and it frankly hurt. I guess that is what happens when you share with someone, they can only see you during that once facet of your life. They are not there to see the other facets and you get pigeonholed. Even with blogging its hard to convey what is happening without writing a dissertation so once again you are only giving one facet of your life for people to try to figure you out and make judgment.

I read in a friend's blog comment that when we focus on ourselves, our lives, our relationships and our stuff the more we suffer. The more we focus on Allah swt the better, easier and happier our lives become.  I think I am going to do that because what I am currently doing is clearly not working. 

Am I alive? Do I even matter? I don't know about the rest of the world but my gummy bear (6 month old) just gave me a huge toothless smile and then knocked out, it was beautiful mashaALlah, I think she will miss me. I mean I AM her breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack.  My toddler will miss me for other reasons.  So waiting to die but terrified of death. Death. Death. Death. Death.  Maybe she was right? Maybe she really is one of those few people who call it like it is? I am being melodramatic but.... dammit I really don't have an excuse other than it hurts to have my feelings and anxieties dismissed under the banner of drama queen.

Wa Salaam

1 comment:

Iman (Lifes Balance Beam) said...

As Salamualaikum,
Some one wise told me "Strive for good moral character, because when you have that..everything else falls into place"

I think you're dead on about focusing more on Allah, when you do that, and focus every little issue on your islam and rely on Allah only, it seems like everything gets smaller, and you're like "oh...was that all I had to do?"

Inshaallah things will get easier for you, we all go through our ups and downs, depression and joy etc... remember after hardship comes ease!

May Allah Heal you and reward you with an abundance of happiness&&Contentment Ameen!