March 19, 2011

I am going through a miscarriage

inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajiuun.

I have bee sick for quite some time (post) and have gone to the ER twisting in pain (other post) and I got NOTHING as an answer. Well after the 3rd blood test it was confirmed I was pregnant and the doc wanted me to take a 4th test to see what my levels of HCG were and for 24 hours I was ecstatic and thinking about the future and how much I was going to love this child.. When the 4th blood test came in it confirmed my HCG levels were going down. I had been bleeding for 2 weeks prior to the 3rd blood test and I passed something that looked like an organ.  I am still bleeding and having some pain so I am not out of the woods yet, I just hope I don't need to use drugs or surgery to finish the miscarriage.

A well meaning friend phrased it this way, "If you didn't know you had it, did you really lose anything?" yes, yes I did.  My mom tried to blame it on my "lifestyle" but this was when I was just randomly bleeding after the pregnancy was confirmed and subsequent miscarriage she didn't say anything.

I don't know exactly how to feel because on the one hand I trust in Allah's qadr and I know that everything that happens to a believer is whats best for them even if its not clear right away.  On the other I feel very guilty going to the ER where they gave me a heavy dose of some opium based pain killer that knocked me out.  The questions swirl and I am OK with what happened but those nagging "what ifs" start popping up left and right and I know they are from shaytan. AUDHU BILLAHI MINA SHAYTANI RAJEEM!
A member in my parenting forum posted this a while back and it benefited me greatly that I will post it here. insha Allah. 

The Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wasalam) said, upon him peace, "The miscarried child will pester its glorious and mighty Lord for His entering its two parents into the Fire until it is told, 'O miscarried child that pesters its Lord! Enter your father and mother into Paradise.' Then it will drag them with its umbilical cord until it makes them enter Paradise." Ibn Majah and Abu Ya`la from `Ali.

And again, "By the One in Whose hand is my soul, truly the miscarried child will certainly drag its mother with its umbilical cord to Paradise, provided one expects recompense [for sabr (patience)]." Ibn Majah and Ahmad from Mu`adh.

And he said, upon him peace: "Your little ones are the larvas (da`aamees) of Paradise. They will meet their parents and grab them by their garments or their hands to no end other than that Allah will enter them Paradise." Sahih Muslim.

Isn't that a divine reward for your heartache?

Also, the Prophet (SAW) said: "I swear that a miscarried child of mine I send forth before me is more beloved to me than [raising] a mounted knight that survives me." Ibn Majah from Abu Hurayra.

Fortitude with faith and surrender with rida - absolute acceptance - through losing a child require inordinate strength of character because SABR carries huge reward and its difficulty means even more reward. "And whoever yatasabbaru (=is racked trying to endure in patience), Allah will grant them SABR, and none was ever given a greater gift than SABR." In the Five Books. Hence the magnificent, tremendous Aya states {Verily the sabirun will receive a reward without measure} (39:10).

Hence Umm al-Darda' would say: "Those that gladly accept the Divine decree have a level in Paradise that the Shuhada' will envy them the Day of Resurrection."

May we be the envy of the Shuhada' - ameen!

ps. Yesterday my daughter turned 6 months old and my son 2.5yrs old. MashaAllah. May Allah swt grant me and my family what is best for our dunya and akhira, make us from amongst the righteous and grant us all a white heart from now until the day of judgment. AMEEN.


Mai to the Extreme said...

As salaamu alaykum Tuttie.

I'm so glad that you still have that post! I wanted to read it again...especially as I seem to have had an eighth miscarriage a couple of months ago, mashaa'Allah.

No matter how short a pregnancy is, it is still a loss. It is a test from Allah, but also such a blessing.

I often think what a mercy it is to have such reward for bearing something that was probably a protection for us in the first place. They say that usually early miscarriage comes from there being something wrong with the fetus.

May Allah grant you abundant rewards for bearing this with patience and may your rank in Jennah be bumped up generously - ameen.

Much love and a big, big hug for you.


Candice said...

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Everyone deals with a miscarriage differently and so it becomes difficult to say the right thing. I think people really need to learn to be supportive of whatever someone is going through and how THEY are taking it. Doesn't matter if they don't get how big a deal it is for them.

Again, sorry you're having to go through this. I understand that it is so difficult beyond the physical side of it.

Purple Pyro said...

So sorry to see this- my mum's been through the same thing, and it was horrible for all of us. But we found comfort in that same knowledge, so I just pray that you all have the Sabr to get through this time, and that Allah rewards you for your strength, inshallah.

.::Tuttie::. said...

btw in a strange way it has intensified my 'mothering' feelings. I want to adopt more than ever and I am currently nursing so that would make it easier for me to nurse that child too.

Is that my hormones speaking?

ummaadam said...

May Allah make it easy for you tuttie and give you shifaa. aameen

I little lightbulb when off in my head coz you mentioned the amount of pain you were in. please make sure that its not an ectopic pregnancy. they can be so painful and fatal aswell if not treated ASAP.

dont want to scare you but it just made me think. hope it isnt.

all the best

CareMuslimah said...

Salam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakahu.
I'm sorry you're going through this. May Allah grant you strength to overcome it. You have two beautiful kids with you mashallah. Allah's plan is mysterious, and we cannot do anything else than to make the best of what we're handed and say alhamdulillah.

I'll keep you in my prayers inshallah. I really hope you're feeling better soon dear.

Insomniatica said...

Salaam sis. I'm so sorry to hear about this :( May Allah make it easy on you and your family. You're in my duas.

Um Zakarya said...

Assalamu Aleykum my dear sister,

I myself experienced the same loss 1 and a half year ago.

May ALLAH give you patience and Shifa.Ameen!

I think it would be a good idea to start the process of adoption while you are nursing, as the child would become your "milk child" and this would make everything easier for you and the whole family INSHALLAH.

Lot of love from your french sister

lala said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I knew what to say, but there never seems to be words that really fit. I admire you so much for realizing it's all a part of Allah SWT's plan while you must be feeling so badly. May He always keep your faith strong, ameen. <33

AlabasterMuslim said...

inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajiuun!!

Aww Tuttie I am so sorry for your loss :( It is NOT your fault. You have had two healthy pregnancies Mashallah alhamdullilah, and you did not go through this pain with my guess would be things weren't right from the beginning. Don't worry inshallah about the medical aspect of it...I had my miscarriage unassisted and was never checked after...every once in awhile I would worry (you know, all the horror stories ending in D&C) but alhamdullilah I know FOR SURE now everything went ok. Also, the bleeding (sorry) shouldn't last for too long so when it is over you will be able to heal Inshallah.
Again i am soooo sorry for your loss.

Stacy aka Fahiima said...

Sorry to hear that you're going through something so hard. I pray that God will comfort your heart and show his love for you through your two kids' smiles.

NikkiNicole said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you..lots of xoxoxo

Gabby Hijabi said...

Inna Lillaahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Raaji'oon. I am so very sorry for your loss, may your little one be amongst the bird's in jannah, and may your grievance, and hardship be accepted as good deeds. I know this may not help, as i can no begin to understand the emotional pain your going through at this time. I am still very sorry for your loss.

“…Bear with patience whatever befalls you….” (Qur’an 31:17)

and “Be not sad, surely Allah is with us.” (Qur’an 9:40)

“Verily, if Allah loves a people, He makes them go through trials. Whoever is satisfied, for him is contentment, and whoever is angry upon him is wrath.” [Tirmidhi]

“No calamity befalls on earth or in yourselves but is inscribed in the Book of Decrees – before We bring it into existence.” (Qur’an 57:22)