March 4, 2011

dumps

I had a rough night, rough two weeks actually. I need to see a doctor because my body is acting erratic and because it doesn't seem healthy. I went to the hospital at the beginning of February and the problems really have not subsided.

To keep busy I launched my hijab store (which has tanked) I tried so hard not to be a discount hijab store because there is always someone willing to lower their prices until neither one is making a profit. Well someone managed to get my supplier of scarves and is selling each scarf a dollar or two over the wholesale price. I just couldn't compete.  I think I will just hold on to the stock and try to make my own hijabs with my own tags.

So I re read The 4-Hour Workweek<--changed my life in 2007 and I have slowly been progressing) and I am trying other "muses" to get the lifestyle that I want and I was smacked down.

My husband is SUPER supportive of virtually ALL I do and I overspent these past 2 months without hearing a complain from him. I basically doubled my spending each month...oops (usually its always under $100).  It was $400 in January $700 in February and already for March its $400 and the adobe products he purchased for me will be charged soon and that is about another $900.

He also has to somehow help his brother pay off his debt....in 6 months.

SOOOOOO keeping all of the above in mind I approached him and was telling him my ideas. Usually he is very good at giving constructive criticism and therefore I usually come to him with what would be a "rough draft" he helps me polish it and then I come back to him with a full thought out plan later.

Well this time I threw my rough ideas at him and he just crushed them, I mean it was brutal.  I was in so much shock that I stuttered and tried to defend myself but the onslaught was just brutal. I was reminded about my family being homeless last year and how the money could be sent to them instead of something risky. I mean a lot of the things he said did make sense and I hadn't thought about. Once he mentioned them I realized there are better ways to get things done.

Except he continued and continued and continued. I kept quite because I was hurt and then I couldn't take it any more and burst in to tears. He was cuddling my toddler at the moment (yea we were in bed at the time) so he didn't turn around right away.

I reverted back to my technique when I was a child of crying my heart out, tears and snot without making a sound. The sound I make when I cry like this is just like a calm exhale, anyone in the dark can easily be fooled and think I am in deep sleep.

He left for work early so I didn't get to see him but my spirits are just down. I am embarrassed to see him and I just want to nurse my wounds.  I need to become financially independent and I need to try other things, I just can't keep spending someone else's HARD earned money. I like experimenting and chasing down ideas so having my own will facilitate that, keep me entertained whilst living the life I want to live.

keep me in your du'as please.

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