March 24, 2011

and it just keeps on going

and we are back to square one....the bleeding that had stopped is back. These docs are really ticking me off. Telling me you're pregnant! no miscarried, sorry. No wait you are pregnant! nope sorry again you are miscarrying.

I think I was pregnant with twins, lost one at the end of February and I am losing the other one now. How else could this whole mess be explained? Unless children can be conceived by the mother alone.

Make du'a for me as I am having a crummy day. I'll bounce back inshaAllah, like I always do.  Just needed to vent.

SABR inshaAllah. Sabr.

previous post

March 19, 2011

I am going through a miscarriage

inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajiuun.

I have bee sick for quite some time (post) and have gone to the ER twisting in pain (other post) and I got NOTHING as an answer. Well after the 3rd blood test it was confirmed I was pregnant and the doc wanted me to take a 4th test to see what my levels of HCG were and for 24 hours I was ecstatic and thinking about the future and how much I was going to love this child.. When the 4th blood test came in it confirmed my HCG levels were going down. I had been bleeding for 2 weeks prior to the 3rd blood test and I passed something that looked like an organ.  I am still bleeding and having some pain so I am not out of the woods yet, I just hope I don't need to use drugs or surgery to finish the miscarriage.

A well meaning friend phrased it this way, "If you didn't know you had it, did you really lose anything?" yes, yes I did.  My mom tried to blame it on my "lifestyle" but this was when I was just randomly bleeding after the pregnancy was confirmed and subsequent miscarriage she didn't say anything.

I don't know exactly how to feel because on the one hand I trust in Allah's qadr and I know that everything that happens to a believer is whats best for them even if its not clear right away.  On the other I feel very guilty going to the ER where they gave me a heavy dose of some opium based pain killer that knocked me out.  The questions swirl and I am OK with what happened but those nagging "what ifs" start popping up left and right and I know they are from shaytan. AUDHU BILLAHI MINA SHAYTANI RAJEEM!
A member in my parenting forum posted this a while back and it benefited me greatly that I will post it here. insha Allah. 

The Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wasalam) said, upon him peace, "The miscarried child will pester its glorious and mighty Lord for His entering its two parents into the Fire until it is told, 'O miscarried child that pesters its Lord! Enter your father and mother into Paradise.' Then it will drag them with its umbilical cord until it makes them enter Paradise." Ibn Majah and Abu Ya`la from `Ali.

And again, "By the One in Whose hand is my soul, truly the miscarried child will certainly drag its mother with its umbilical cord to Paradise, provided one expects recompense [for sabr (patience)]." Ibn Majah and Ahmad from Mu`adh.

And he said, upon him peace: "Your little ones are the larvas (da`aamees) of Paradise. They will meet their parents and grab them by their garments or their hands to no end other than that Allah will enter them Paradise." Sahih Muslim.

Isn't that a divine reward for your heartache?

Also, the Prophet (SAW) said: "I swear that a miscarried child of mine I send forth before me is more beloved to me than [raising] a mounted knight that survives me." Ibn Majah from Abu Hurayra.

Fortitude with faith and surrender with rida - absolute acceptance - through losing a child require inordinate strength of character because SABR carries huge reward and its difficulty means even more reward. "And whoever yatasabbaru (=is racked trying to endure in patience), Allah will grant them SABR, and none was ever given a greater gift than SABR." In the Five Books. Hence the magnificent, tremendous Aya states {Verily the sabirun will receive a reward without measure} (39:10).

Hence Umm al-Darda' would say: "Those that gladly accept the Divine decree have a level in Paradise that the Shuhada' will envy them the Day of Resurrection."

May we be the envy of the Shuhada' - ameen!

ps. Yesterday my daughter turned 6 months old and my son 2.5yrs old. MashaAllah. May Allah swt grant me and my family what is best for our dunya and akhira, make us from amongst the righteous and grant us all a white heart from now until the day of judgment. AMEEN.

March 12, 2011

March 11, 2011

for the love of GOD!

I want to apologize for the lack of posts but I have been rapid posting on FB and my pages that I have neglected you all....

♫ Baby, come to me
let me put my arms around you
This was meant to be ♪

in the meantime while you reconsider coming back to me (which you totally should) here is a pic I posted that I found HILARIOUS...enjoy.

Moment Killer

 I wrote my husband a B E A U T I F U L text of shukr and love and ended it with "cuz you're my HEEEEEROOOOOO!" and he responded with

"are you high?"

ummm. High with LOVE! duh. But way to kill a moment babes. Moment killer.

March 7, 2011

Hate comes to the OC and Islam proliferates

History is cyclical and its now our turn (again, yes it has happened before). Make du'a.

"May ALL the people who attended this event, all the people that have viewed and all the people that will view it, be granted hidayat and may ALL practice Islam in the most pleasing way to Allah swt. AMEEN"
About the lies they were saying about the Prophet (saw) which I will not repeat, this is what comes to mind ALL the time
Narrated by ‘Ali (Radiyallahu `anhu), the Prophet (Sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam) said,
“Do not tell a lie against me for whoever tells a lie against me (intentionally) then he will surely enter the Hell-fire”
Volume 1, Book 3, Number 106
Something I find interesting is that when you make a topic taboo people quickly jump into it, just to be different.  If it was halal to place a bet, I would wager on these protesters kids becoming Muslim. I have seen it before, they "convert" to whatever ideology their parents hate the most. I think its called being a teenager.

They are defeating themselves, how to make something monumental? make it controversial and make sure you are in the front lines.  Thanks to these folks and others like them Islam was the #1 religion most spoken about last year. You can't convert anyone to your cause, you can only give them the message and hope they join you.

Thanks to them Islamic sites have gotten a HUGE surge of subscribers and who knows if they will become Muslim (inshaAllah they will).  If we had to pay for all the coverage we have received we would not be able to afford it.

Now when the time comes, can ANYONE on Earth say they never heard of Islam?

March 4, 2011


I had a rough night, rough two weeks actually. I need to see a doctor because my body is acting erratic and because it doesn't seem healthy. I went to the hospital at the beginning of February and the problems really have not subsided.

To keep busy I launched my hijab store (which has tanked) I tried so hard not to be a discount hijab store because there is always someone willing to lower their prices until neither one is making a profit. Well someone managed to get my supplier of scarves and is selling each scarf a dollar or two over the wholesale price. I just couldn't compete.  I think I will just hold on to the stock and try to make my own hijabs with my own tags.

So I re read The 4-Hour Workweek<--changed my life in 2007 and I have slowly been progressing) and I am trying other "muses" to get the lifestyle that I want and I was smacked down.

My husband is SUPER supportive of virtually ALL I do and I overspent these past 2 months without hearing a complain from him. I basically doubled my spending each month...oops (usually its always under $100).  It was $400 in January $700 in February and already for March its $400 and the adobe products he purchased for me will be charged soon and that is about another $900.

He also has to somehow help his brother pay off his 6 months.

SOOOOOO keeping all of the above in mind I approached him and was telling him my ideas. Usually he is very good at giving constructive criticism and therefore I usually come to him with what would be a "rough draft" he helps me polish it and then I come back to him with a full thought out plan later.

Well this time I threw my rough ideas at him and he just crushed them, I mean it was brutal.  I was in so much shock that I stuttered and tried to defend myself but the onslaught was just brutal. I was reminded about my family being homeless last year and how the money could be sent to them instead of something risky. I mean a lot of the things he said did make sense and I hadn't thought about. Once he mentioned them I realized there are better ways to get things done.

Except he continued and continued and continued. I kept quite because I was hurt and then I couldn't take it any more and burst in to tears. He was cuddling my toddler at the moment (yea we were in bed at the time) so he didn't turn around right away.

I reverted back to my technique when I was a child of crying my heart out, tears and snot without making a sound. The sound I make when I cry like this is just like a calm exhale, anyone in the dark can easily be fooled and think I am in deep sleep.

He left for work early so I didn't get to see him but my spirits are just down. I am embarrassed to see him and I just want to nurse my wounds.  I need to become financially independent and I need to try other things, I just can't keep spending someone else's HARD earned money. I like experimenting and chasing down ideas so having my own will facilitate that, keep me entertained whilst living the life I want to live.

keep me in your du'as please.