So most of you know that I was raped for many years as a child and I have managed thus far to be a well adjusted individual, who is well liked and for the most part doesn't cause trouble...you know average. Well my postpartum depression hit me with a vengeance and in hopes of avoiding meds because I distrust them plus it is very important to me to breastfeed my baby girl, I have been seeing a counselor. The last couple of times I met with her we were trying to figure out WHY I didn't have postpartum with my son but I did with my daughter.
Her conclusion was that by giving birth to a girl I was forced to deal with my past.
The moment that my daughter was born and I mean the moment she came out and was placed in my arms, the first thoughts that crossed my mind were of dismay. I was saddened because she was a girl and life is so hard for the female gender. The second thought was ALHAMDULILLAH she is a girl! no circumcision!! You guys have no idea how distraught I was the first time after going through an un medicated birth just to have my newborn circumcised (2 weeks later but it was still traumatic for me).
Anyway the birth of my daughter has shaken me up to the core. Somehow my coping mechanisms don't work, 3 years of repressed memories are very S L O W L Y resurfacing and I am a lost 3 yr old again. I fear for her. I fear that she wont be happy, that she would suffer what I suffered, that she would get a crappy husband, be a victim of a crime etc, etc. etc. I look at her and my heart loves her, from head to toe and am angry that it is affecting me so. I am strong dang it! I am strong! He will not ruin my children's lives like he did to mine.
Its a mix bag on the one hand am angry that I was raped while undergoing chemo and on the other I don't feel like taking vengeance on the perpetrator (60 yr old at the time) or the facilitators (his wife et. al). I know that every soul will taste death and every soul will get justice and I trust Allah swt. But forgiving them is one thing but the scars are another. The damage that has been done despite my denials HAS affected me in ways that I never expected.
My lovely baby girl has open some old wounds and insecurities but they are finally being dealt with and healed. La ilaha ila Allah.