November 28, 2010

Dealing with the aftermath of rape

So most  of you know that I was raped for many years as a child and I have managed thus far to be a well adjusted individual, who is well liked and for the most part doesn't cause know average.  Well my postpartum depression hit me with a vengeance and in hopes of avoiding meds because I distrust them plus it is very important to me to breastfeed my baby girl, I have been seeing a counselor. The last couple of times I met with her we were trying to figure out WHY I didn't have postpartum with my son but I did with my daughter. 

Her conclusion was that by giving birth to a girl I was forced to deal with my past.

The moment that my daughter was born and I mean the moment she came out and was placed in my arms, the first thoughts that crossed my mind were of dismay.  I was saddened because she was a girl and life is so hard for the female gender.  The second thought was ALHAMDULILLAH she is a girl! no circumcision!! You guys have no idea how distraught I was the first time after going through an un medicated birth just to have my newborn circumcised (2 weeks later but it was still traumatic for me).  

Anyway the birth of my daughter has shaken me up to the core.  Somehow my coping mechanisms don't work, 3 years of repressed memories are very S L O W L Y resurfacing and I am a lost 3 yr old again.  I fear for her. I fear that she wont be happy, that she would suffer what I suffered, that she would get a crappy husband, be a victim of a crime etc, etc. etc.   I look at her and my heart loves her, from head to toe and am angry that it is affecting me so.  I am strong dang it! I am strong! He will not ruin my children's lives like he did to mine. 

Its a mix bag on the one hand am angry that I was raped while undergoing chemo and on the other I don't feel like taking vengeance on the perpetrator (60 yr old at the time) or the facilitators (his wife et. al).  I know that every soul will taste death and every soul will get justice and I trust Allah swt.  But forgiving them is one thing but the scars are another.  The damage that has been done despite my denials HAS affected me in ways that I never expected.

My lovely baby girl has open some old wounds and insecurities but they are finally being dealt with and healed.  La ilaha ila Allah.


AlabasterMuslim said...

Tuttie I honestly can't imagine the pain and memories you are having to go through right now. I sincerely hope that Allah swt grants you Jannah for going through something like this and trying to deal with it. Also I think its great that you are seeing a counselor. I am iffy about medicines...the medicines only help you mask the pains to a certain degree, but either way you are the one who has to overcome this with and by they will of Allah swt.
I am soooo happy that you and your little girl are otherwise doing great :) Alhamdullilah.
La ilaha ilallah.

Aida Spin2liux said...

Assalaamu Aleykum warahmatulallah Wabarakatuhu

I have been physically, emotionally and psychologically abused as a child and abandoned. I have been dealing with depression and low self esteem as far back as i can remember. Many things have caused the old memories to come out again and u feel like u will never escape the situation. I was very happy to read your post as i know i am not alone and i also got some encouragement to keep going on. It would be great if you could share with us how youo managed to stay strong sister so others in a similar situation could perhaps benefit from that

Insha Allah

La ilaha ila Allah Muhammadan rasool Allah

coolred38 said...

I could have written this post..with a few changes. After the abuse I suffered as a child and hearing the words, "you should have been a boy" thrown at me so many times..and then as an abused wife in a culture that seems to care little for females except to blame, accuse, or abuse them...I couldnt help but feel guilty as both of my daughters emerged into the world.

I felt like I had let them down already just by creating them and allowing them to breath air..harsh I know but I am female and I know what that means to this Big Bad World.

Of course, my feelings of dread were realized when I discovered they were being abused as well....sort of like fate..ha ha...just love that word.

I really have no answers for you except from a "been there done that" perspective...and that is to always be vigilant because girls are never safe. I dont care where they come from, their economic status, their religion, personality, culture, or whatever....we are prey. Period.

.::Tuttie::. said...

@Al. jazakaAllah khayr for the kind words. Did you get my email about fb?

@Aida. I don't even know where to begin with that one. I just don't like to lose and I don't want them to win. Ultimately all comes from Allah swt and trusting that helps as well.

@Coolred38. You and me share a lot in common. I cried reading your story and your children's stories. That is my biggest fear, that she will be abused. I felt that I had let her down as well. Personally I would never get rid of a child even if it had been a product of abuse. Simply because I have a soft spot for children and they are not responsible for the sins of their parents.

I also remind myself that every soul has a designated entrance and exit point and it was decided before the creation of heaven and earth. Also looking around at my friends who want children but can have them reminds me how little control we have on who is entering this world.

AlabasterMuslim said...

Salaamu alaikum
yes i did, you added me on your general fb page but not the personal one. Maybe you didn't know it was me? I'll send you a message this time so you know its me, inshallah.

Halima said...

Salam Alaikum sister

I pray Allah (swt) will Insh'Allah relieve you of your stresses, worries and grief.May he continue to protect you, your children and loved ones Insh'Allah.

I've been reading your blog for over 6 moths and subhan'Allah you are one of the most inspiring sisters I've ever come across Mash'Allah
Allah has truly guided you, and will compensate you beyond comprehension in akhirah.

You and your family will stay in my du'a, and you serve as a reminder to me to stay positive because Allah plans better than we do.
Your attitude is rare to come across, but leaves one feeling so content with the blessings of Allah.
Please believe i have SO much more to say, but sadly this comment box wouldn't be enough :)

Know that there are many out there keeping you in their du'as.

From your sister in the UK

.::Tuttie::. said...

@candy olive. OUCH. I didn't consider myself still a victim...just the thought of it stings.

@Halima. AMEEN. Its hard to put it all on in writing. I did in previous posts but I haven't looked them up.

Grande Strategy said...

Sallam sister, may Allah bless you and help you. May I humbly suggest what works for my most difficult problems? Praying late at night for an hour or more.

CareMuslimah said...

Sis, you know I love you much. I will keep you in my duaas. I will pray for you, your girl (and your entire family) to have a healthy and happy life inshAllah. You're a strong woman, I'm very proud of you for choosing counseling over meds. And specially because you're dealing with it! Mashallah. May Allah grant you peace.

SALMA said...

Salam Tuttie,

I'm a "survivor" as they call us, and I can honestly say that having 2 daughters was difficult for me as well, and has gotten harder as they become young women.

Now that I gave birth to my second son, all I would think about when I was pregnant was that I hope he would be a good Muslim, therfore, never taking advantage of or hurting women.

Your lovely baby girl is a lifeline for you to begin to heal...or continue healing. All we can do is pray and ask Allah to protect our daughters. I hope you feel better soon.


The Mujahada in Prada said...

aSalaam uAlaikum...

Subhan'Allah, as a couple of other sisters said, I practically could have written this very post, or one very similar.
In fact, only a couple of weeks ago did it actually dawn on me that a lot of my behavioral problems as a teen and young adult were probably due in part to the fact that I was raped when I was 14 years old. I had so effectively supressed that memory, that when I brought it up to my husband I was shocked to realize that I had never even told him about it...and this is a man I feel I have told everything to.
I can remember the day I found out that I was having a girl (the first time). My marriage was not in a great place, and I was more miserable than I wanted to admit. I can remember my husband dropping me back off at our house so he could return to work and I crumpled in a ball and cried until I fell asleep. I remember rubbing my belly and apologizing over and over again that she had to be born a girl. Promising her that I would do everything in my power to prevent her from going through the hell I had gone through with most of the men in my life, and vowing to protect her in every way possible. Alhamdulillah things have gotten 100% better with my husband, and the second time around finding out I am having a girl was a joyous occassion as it should be. I will always make extra du'a for my daughters that Allah swt keep them safe from harm and guide them on the straight path. And that is the best weapon we have as mothers...because it is ultimately all in His hands.
Thank you for posting something so personal, that obviously touched so many sisters who have experienced something similar.

Sara said...

Assalaam Alaikum Tuttie,

I've been following your blog silently for some time (I believe I've only commented once), and just wanted to say MashaAllah you are seriously such a brave person. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now, or had to go through in the past, but for you to deal with it in such a positive manner (i.e. by speaking about the issue and facing the problem) is very inspiring.

Always remember Allah (SWT) is with you and He never bestows upon a believer a burden they cannot bear.

May Allah (SWT) bless you and your family, ease your worries, and protect your beautiful baby girl always, Ameen.