November 28, 2010

Dealing with the aftermath of rape

So most  of you know that I was raped for many years as a child and I have managed thus far to be a well adjusted individual, who is well liked and for the most part doesn't cause know average.  Well my postpartum depression hit me with a vengeance and in hopes of avoiding meds because I distrust them plus it is very important to me to breastfeed my baby girl, I have been seeing a counselor. The last couple of times I met with her we were trying to figure out WHY I didn't have postpartum with my son but I did with my daughter. 

Her conclusion was that by giving birth to a girl I was forced to deal with my past.

The moment that my daughter was born and I mean the moment she came out and was placed in my arms, the first thoughts that crossed my mind were of dismay.  I was saddened because she was a girl and life is so hard for the female gender.  The second thought was ALHAMDULILLAH she is a girl! no circumcision!! You guys have no idea how distraught I was the first time after going through an un medicated birth just to have my newborn circumcised (2 weeks later but it was still traumatic for me).  

Anyway the birth of my daughter has shaken me up to the core.  Somehow my coping mechanisms don't work, 3 years of repressed memories are very S L O W L Y resurfacing and I am a lost 3 yr old again.  I fear for her. I fear that she wont be happy, that she would suffer what I suffered, that she would get a crappy husband, be a victim of a crime etc, etc. etc.   I look at her and my heart loves her, from head to toe and am angry that it is affecting me so.  I am strong dang it! I am strong! He will not ruin my children's lives like he did to mine. 

Its a mix bag on the one hand am angry that I was raped while undergoing chemo and on the other I don't feel like taking vengeance on the perpetrator (60 yr old at the time) or the facilitators (his wife et. al).  I know that every soul will taste death and every soul will get justice and I trust Allah swt.  But forgiving them is one thing but the scars are another.  The damage that has been done despite my denials HAS affected me in ways that I never expected.

My lovely baby girl has open some old wounds and insecurities but they are finally being dealt with and healed.  La ilaha ila Allah.

November 17, 2010

belated EID MUBARAK!!

Eid Mubarak Brothers and Sisters! Taqabbal Allahu Minna wa Minkum, May Allah accept from us and from you. InshaAllah you have/had a blessed Eid with family and friends.

November 13, 2010

The unthinkable just happened!

OH MA GAWD!  I didn't think it was possible but it finally happened, I disapproved/disagreed with Jo Frost's recommendation to keep a newborn IN their car seat when NOT in a car (Season 7 Episode2 Peterfreund Family). OMG.  OMG.  Here is a article with more details on why that is a HORRIBLE idea.
In 1995, a study was done on infants’ oxygenation levels in their car seats. Normal oxygenation levels – that is, the amount of oxygen circulating in the blood stream attached to red blood cells – range between 97-99% in a healthy term infant in optimal positioning. Any oxygenation level below about 90% is considered “hypoxia” – the baby is not receiving enough oxygen, and brain damage can result if that level is sustained. Shockingly, healthy, full-term newborns placed in correctly positioned car seats had oxygen levels that went as low as 83.7%. In the hospital, such levels would bring teams of nurses scrambling to the infant’s rescue. While not all infants’ oxygenation levels reached such depths, there was a consistent finding that the longer the baby spent in the car seat, the lower their oxygen levels would go, until the baby was removed from the seat.
The study was repeated in 2005, with the same results.
You know these parents should really consider buying a sling, a mei tai or another safe baby carrier as it makes it easier to go about your biz, play with the older children while keeping the newborn safe and being nurtured.  I LOVE my sling and its something I cannot live without it simplifies my life and its easy on me to take care of an overly active toddler while still giving my newborn the attention it needs.

PS. not every sling is safe check this well written article about safety

[edit] by "THESE" parents I mean the parents featured on the show not the parents featured in the study.

November 12, 2010


as salaamu aalaykum!

sorry for the lack of posts but my life has been hectic with a trip to the hospital for my toddler and newborn.  I am dealing with post partum depression TOTALLY sucks.  Alhamdulillah am fine and its not severe enough to need medication but its still a kick in the gonads for me.

broke down a couple of times got angry at hubs....currently still angry...what else?

oh yea, I was on one of my friend's profile (a shutterbug) and I found a picture of me back in 2007 with niqab acting a fool in another friend's baby shower.  WELL, the pictures are hilarious but am kinda of embarrassed at the same time. Those gang signs were meant for my friends only and why the heck did someone NOT tell me I had food on my niqab?  I mean seriously people. Seriously. I know I was a niqab newbie at the time but dang the stain wasn't part of the act.  Know what I mean jelly bean?

AWWW  the humiliation 3+ years later! but still.

aint right I tell you. AINT RIGHT.

ps. WHY did I think doing gang signs in niqab was cool back then is beyond me.  Cut me a break I was 21 almost 22 at the time, practically a BABY.

November 4, 2010

I would KEEEEL him!