March 15, 2010

The Real ME

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

I have been meaning to post about the real me for a while now ever since some of my fave bloggers had addressed this topic a couple of months ago. I think the topic was something like "be who you are, stop pretending you are something when you are not, your readers will think you are a hypo for pretending, etc."

Well if you noticed my blog doesn't have cursing and that is actually who I am, I don't curse and it has nothing to do with being a goody two shoes. When I was in high school I tried to be cool by learning to curse but I just came off as a poser since I winced every time I cursed. I would sing the radio version of my fave rap songs because I couldn't pull off the unedited version. kay. Seeing as I failed at cursing in the real world I figured I would flop in the online world too, plus it wouldn't be me. Now that am Muslim I guess I can say I don't curse because its unbecoming of a muslimat but you all know the real reason now. (edit: My mom used to curse a lot both in Spanish and in English maybe that had something to do with my aversion to it, Allahu Aalem)

I never smoked weed, cigarettes, coke or any other 'illegal drugs' and I was even wary of any prescription meds. A year before I became Muslim I broke my foot and I took the percocet they prescribed but it made me a very happy camper, knocked me out for 18 hrs of the day AND it was a narcotic. Knowing my background of child abuse I was afraid I would become dependent as I had read that people with a lot of traumas in their lives have a higher tendency to abuse meds. I also was living on my own and had to work and go to school so being knocked out for 18hrs was going to leave me homeless.

I hated going to clubs or drinking because I saw no point in it. I felt you could have a good time by simply hanging out with your friends. In high school I wasn't allowed to have friends and I never went out because I was working in my moms factory or in school. Once I left home and went to college I started going out with friends and eventually they persuaded/coerced /kidnapped me to clubs or frat parties. I think I mentioned before in a previous post that I suffer from SEVERE social anxieties and being forced in to these situations was mortifying and traumatic for me. Looking back the fact that these friends knew about my anxieties and didn't respect that, should have been a red flag that I needed to find new friends. Although I disagree with the abuse I endured with my mother or working 8 hrs a day after going to school, it probably saved me from a lot of issues because most of the people I knew in high school became my "friends" in college. It was a blessing in HEAVY disguise.

I became Muslim April 11th 2006, met my hubs December 15th 2006 and married him December 20th 2006. I am madly in love with him and I can't believe I am blessed with such a great man. MashaAllah. He is very understanding of my issues and has actually helped me overcome a lot of my anxieties and flashbacks. I tried to sabotage my marriage because I was an idiot and I thought I didn't deserve to be happy. Although it hurt him a great deal ALHAMDULILLAH he forgave me and we moved pass that. We DO have issues and fights but I don't post about them because it doesn't concern the world as it is between the two of us. When I wrote about how I met him I was angry at him for something he had done and after reading what I had written I forgave him. Also it wouldn't be fair as you would only be getting my side and I don't want to back bite him because its wrong and because I work to darn hard to do good deeds to just hand them over to ANYONE.

I get a long with my in laws they are friggin AWESOME and they have been nothing but nice and respectful ever since I met them. There were people in the extended family that objected to my hubs marrying me and my FIL and MIL both put them in their place and shut them up and they stood by me. I am thankful for that.

I DO sprinkle my sentences both online and off with dhikr in Arabic because I feel like it and it soothes me. I don't wear abayas because they are darn hard to breast feed in and the maternity abayas are EWW. When I know I am going to a wedding or some fancy Muslim event I do wear an abaya because it looks more elegant and then I regret it because I have to breastfeed. I DO wear mainly black but it is because I am LAZY and that about sums up the rest of my wardrobe. I happen to LOVE the niqab and I have been wearing it full time since March/April 2007.

I have never been in a fight with anyone my age, I guess the closest I came to fighting was with my mom the day (I was 17) that I had had enough or the time I found out the man who molested me was trying to do it to my bros (ran after him with a knife and he hid, I was 12). Although in previous posts I said I didn't cry as a child because I felt it was for weak people, I cry freely now alhamdulillah. I do pray my prayers on time because they are important to me and they are fardh. I pray 12 rakahs of sunnah every day (although lately I have been having issues) because I read a hadith that mentioned the rewards for doing so. I pray my witr for the same reasons. So what am saying is I am driven by rewards.

My house (since we are with the in laws its our room) is a perpetual mess and that is mainly my fault, maybe, kinda, sorta. It is EMBARRASSING. If any of you would ever go in to my room you would be shocked and I would be humiliated. I am not exaggerating the mess, believe me. I wish.

I have 3 close friends and few acquaintances, my goal for this year is to meet more people. As a non Muslim I knew TONS of people none of whom I would like to associate with now. I think the main reason besides my anxieties that prevents me from making friends its something my High school history teacher and mentor once told me, "the more people you know, the more likely you will die, because most murders are committed by people the victim knows." THANKS. It encourages me to go out and meet people! Once I break the ice and start talking people usually like me and want to hang out its usually me who either never picks up the calls or never calls them. *shakes fist* at history teacher.

I think I REALLY started living after I became Muslim and DEFINITELY after I got married. Because my dad died when I was 3 yrs old and my life totally changed (his death anniversary is coming up), I was molested/raped from 4-7 (almost 8), came to America and met my mom not too long after that I was being beaten daily. Even once I left at 18 I was lonely and just beginning to deal with my issues as well as being hospitalized every semester for near kidney failure. I came to Islam at 20 yrs and then a couple of months later at 21 married my hubs. Life ever since then has been groovy (for the most part). I now have a family and a son and I feel secure which was something I hadn't experienced or at the very least don't remember experiencing.

I can't sing although that doesn't stop me. I used to know how to dance although I now feel awkward doing so but it doesn't stop me from shaking it. Hubs said this to me a couple of days ago
Hubs: Next time we see the pediatrician she should look at (our son's) ears for hearing loss.

Me: WHY?! Have you noticed something?

Hubs: yeah, his mother sings to him.

So yeah I suck at singing but you don't have to be so mean about it. geez!

Everything I write on this blog is me as I use it as a tool to vent from any daily issues or to write out and work through my memories. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE logging on to blogger and finding new comments in moderation, makes me feel loved and like am not talking to myself.


Amira said...

Wa'alaikumusalam, Im guilty of lurking but usually not commenting sorry. but its nice to know more about you. I'm guilty of the phone call thing too! I couldn't help but smile at what ur hubby said lol tc Ma'asalama

Anti-social Muslimah said...

Me again =)

I just seem to be agreeing with you...but seriously I always use to feel like that in school whenever I swore like it wasn't natural. I hardly ever do anyway. I feel like that when I use slang words aswell though.