March 31, 2010

Today is March 31st my dad's deathdate

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

I was looking through my birth certificate (its in Spanish) and totally in writing and the numbers are spelled out (technically typewriter, fancy I know). It has a fancy Salvadoran seal top center, the serial number on the left followed by another tiny seal, something that looks like a stamp on the left column with an additional stamp for the state I was born in and 24 lines of text. It is pretty formal it has my mothers full maiden name and the names of her parents, where she was born, followed by her profession, how old she was when she gave birth, where she lived and her nationality. The same for my dad.

I am pretty sure I have read this birth certificate many, many, many times before, shoot I even had to translate it once (until we got it translated professionally and notarized). Anyway, as I was reading it today I honestly felt that it was the first time I actually read it. Weird. It turns out that the certificate even tells you who filed the birth certificate (my dad), who claims to be the dad (my dad), who is recognizing the child as his (my dad). Its kinda like they are confirming it three times to make sure that this person who is filing it knows what they are doing. It also had the Salvadoran version of a social security number (Cédula de Identidad Personal) of the person filing (my dads, S-P-E-L-L-E-D out). It goes further and tells you that the person receiving the information (city hall?) has faith that my dad is telling the truth and is therefore authorizing this birth certificate. Spells out the city and the date it was filed on (11 days after my birth) as well as the credentials of the person typing it up and it records what birth certificate number and book it belongs in. Since this is an official copy of my birth certificate it has the credentials of the person making the copy, her signature and her stamp. Oh, and if you hold up in to the light it has a watermark on it.

Like dang, they are treating this like a matter of national security in the 80's! lol.

I actually didn't realized it was my dad who filed my birth certificate. I know it is not relevant for most people but if you understood that my whole life I have been told by people that my mother didn't want me (her behavior didn't really sway me the other way either) and my dad loved me so much he would bend over backwards for me. I feel that this is a testament to that. *tear*
SIDE NOTE: my birth certificate says that I was the 334th child to be born in that locality or at the very least the 334th birth certificate application.

oh, and my dad was one year younger than my mom. WHAT?!
There was another page attached to my birth certificate and it was my dad's death certificate. So I read it for like the umpteenth time and just like my bc it was as if I was reading it for the first time.

It has his full name, gender, age, marital status, where he was born, nationality, his parents FULL names, where they were born and nationality. It says what he died of, who filed the death certificate (his sister), her social security number (S-P-E-L-L-E-D out), and all the credentials of all the people who touched the application. It was filed 11 days after his death. Whats up with that side of the family waiting exactly 11 days to file anything with the govt? (It took my hubs and I a couple of weeks to file my son's birth certificate but whose counting?)

Here is the kicker, it says He died at 11:30 PM on March 30th 1985. oops. Here I am mourning his death all those years and I had the wrong date?!

I feel stupid.

No, no, stupid doesn't cut it. I am embarrassed and ashamed. (HERE is me posting about his death and how I feel about it, notice the date). Stupid. I don't even know how this happened? I think I asked my mom a couple of times before and she said March 31st. I actually forgot that I had his death certificate because when I left my mom she kept all my legal documentation (out of spite) and I had to reapply for everything and even so this is a Salvadoran legal document so I would have been unable to get a copy.

PS. This comes from a woman who watched the Malcom X movie (the one with Denzel) and TOTALLY missed the point that he was Muslim. YUP. My perception skills are impeccable, untouchable. In my defense I wasn't Muslim. Does that count? Other than these obvious snafus I am very good at remembering stuff.

March 30, 2010

Million Dollar(s) Masajid

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

I was listening to a speech and the question was asked "how much does it cost to build a masjid?" the speaker asked an imam there and the answer was "12 million."


12 million! Are they making it out of jewels? geez lueese. The very basic masjid would need
  1. a prayer area
  2. gender bathrooms
  3. a women area
and that is about it. All the other bells and whistles can come later. I am dealing with money and how it applies to Islam (people taught me wrong things and am weeding them out) and I noticed I have issues (more about that in another post iA). I understand we like beautiful things but you can get beautiful things locally and cheaper it doesn't have to be a brand name.

I would get an idea of what the community wanted (the amenities) and approach an engineering firm to get the blue prints and get proposals from building companies in a bidding war. I don't see how it can be complicated. You can build a residential building (WAY more complex) for less than a million. I don't buy it. Either someone is not doing their research, choosing 'friends' for the project or pocketing the cash. I don't see how the cost could be so much.

There was a cute little masjid where we used to live and it cost $5 million dollars to build. It was cute VERY cute but if they were to put it up for sale there is no way on this earth anyone would pay anywhere near that price. I think there is a real disconnect with the community when projects like this are made.

Whatever happened to renting a place? moving on to maybe buying a building that is better suited? and then building a masjid if the community so needs it? why jump the gun and saddle the community with a multi million dollar complex (that aint even cute or family friendly)?

RANT to be continued....

March 28, 2010

Random: Good Living

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

I made one of my favorite dishes of ALL TIME, papa a la Huancaina (beyond good) and I made extra sauce so I can add it to everything. This whole week I wanted Peruvian food and some of it I can do like the dish below, and others are way too complicated. There is one drink I like (totally addicted to it) but it takes 6 hours to make! 6 hours! geez. I rather pay the high premium and have someone else do it for me.

This is what it looked like(sorta). Picture courtesy of aPeaceofCake. yum.

The other dish is a sopa de mariscos (translates to seafood soup) but don't be fooled, it is the best soup ever. Peruvians truly know their seafood mashaAllah. I have no idea how they make it but you smack your lips and that soup is just creamy. Honestly I am NOT a fan of seafood but this soup totally changed that. I used to get it from this one restaurant 40 minutes away (you could tell how good it is because I was willing to drive each way 40 mins) but turns out they add wine to one of their soups and I can't remember which one. You see there is also another soup by a different name that also translates to seafood soup. I honestly can't remember which one it is and therefore I had to abandon it.

The soup takes about 2 hours of preparation and another 2 hours of cooking (if you are an expert) so attempting it will just be a total failure. I suck at cooking seafood and have failed at simple soups so you can see where that can end up.
This is what it sorta looks like. I WANT IT SOO BAD!

March 27, 2010

We got a bleeder!!

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

omg I just watched There is something about Mary and just laughed so hard in the first 18 minutes that I had tears streaming down my cheeks. We GOT A BLEEDER! lol. My husband said it wasn't funny although he was still laughing while grimacing. lol. Someone is confused.

There is a little nudity and A LOT of cursing but overall I liked the movie. I can't believe it took me nearly 12 years to actually see it. What the heck was I thinking?

My little dude had to be escorted out of the room for most of the movie due to the cursing but he seemed ok with it. At first he put up a fight I guess thinking that my hubs and I were up to something delicious and we weren't sharing. When he saw no food around he left with no problems. I think I may have a little mooch on my hands. lol

Anyone saw this movie? what did you think?

March 24, 2010

Fringe me heart you.

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

I love talking to people specially children because of their active imagination. Before life beats them down and tells them what is real and not or how they should behave according to some arbitrary social rules. It is the same reason why I love to read books because they are a window to the mind of the author as well as their imagination.

The same can be said about television and movies but in a more direct way since the director basically lets you know how he sees the world via his product (the tv series or the movie). Which is why certain programs intrigued and tickle my inner child. Oh, and my inner child is a nerd hence my new TV/via the internet obsession, its called Fringe (at least the first season, still watching the 2nd). I love biology and I always had what if questions, what would happen if you run this experiment but omit this or add something else (like in a mad scientist kinda way).

This show gives me just that and is therefore frigging AWESOME. Most of it is science fiction and they take all these what if scenarios and run with it like going through solids, teleportation or other similar ideas that are THEORETICALLY possible but never been tested, proven or the experiment failed. Some of the things done on the show go through incredible or nearly impossible things like walking through solid mass and when they do break the laws of physics they pay a heavy, heavy price. Which makes me think that nearly everything we think as impossible is only so because we don't have the knowledge of how to do it (which is knowledge of the unseen). We know people will be resurrected from the dead yet it is hard for our minds to wrap around the idea. Even though human beings got a demonstration (that we know of, there could have been more) when Prophet Jesus (pbuh) was granted permission to bring back people from the dead.

Not that knowing that kind of knowledge would be even comprehensible or even beneficial. Anyway one of the things they said was "Myth is only an unproven fact." And even if we did achieve a fraction of those abilities we would still crave more until eventually we would do or invent something so horrific (kinda like in the show) that will threatened our very existence and probably destroy our humanity by performing unethical experiments.
Volume 8, Book 76, Number 446:
Narrated Sahl bin Sa'd:
I heard Ibn Az-Zubair who was on the pulpit at Mecca, delivering a sermon, saying, "O men! The Prophet used to say, "If the son of Adam were given a valley full of gold, he would love to have a second one; and if he were given the second one, he would love to have a third, for nothing fills the belly of Adam's son except dust. And Allah forgives he who repents to Him." Ubai said, "We considered this as a saying from the Qur'an till the Sura (beginning with) 'The mutual rivalry for piling up of worldly things diverts you..' (102.1) was revealed."

Obviously I put a lot of thought in to the show but that is because I find it entertaining, NOT because it is some kinda of gospel. It satisfies my imagination although I still think books are better. I take it for what it is science fiction and very entertaining but maybe I should spend my free time doing more productive things. Allahuaalem.

ps. this show is science fiction.

  • btw animals some animals CAN come back to life after their cells FREEZE. subhanaAllah.
Frogs from temperate climates hibernate through the winter, and 4 species are known to freeze during this time, most notably Rana sylvatica.[36]
so just because we haven't seen it on a first hand account does not mean it hasn't happened or it doesn't exist. This I find mind blowing.

I need input about home schooling

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

I am trying to prep myself for home schooling my son and need some feedback from teachers or fellow home schooling parents.
  • What can I read to help me prepare?
  • If any of you are teachers, what were the first steps you took? books? activities?
  • What style of home schooling do you do? activities?
Basically ANYTHING that would help me get started and become an awesome teacher.
  • Any activities I can do with a 17th month old baby boy?

March 23, 2010

Why Tuttie?

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

That's why. My beloved TUTTTIEE!!! why!?

Well you see a friend of mine was living with a bunch of dudes and he had a huge red ear slider (like the one above) and they were practically starving the poor thing. Turns out the turtle belonged to another friend of theirs who had just been kicked out of HIS house by his parents for being a lazy person. So my friends had no idea how to take care of such a large turtle so they gave it fish flakes. ARGH!

Anyway after begging the original owner if I could have Tuttie he agreed and he was mine plus the 50 gallon tank he was in. I also had NO idea how to take care of a turtle but I did my research. That turtle and I went through some ROUGH, ROUGH, ROUGH times. I was earning minimum wage $5.50 an hour at the time and I was sick a lot. At one point I had no money but I had a online buyer credit and I purchased stacks of ensure online from ebay. Pathetic I know but they didn't sell anything else or at the very least I had no idea where to even buy it seeing as the credit only applied to ebay. I survived one month on bread and peanut butter (because I read somewhere about the properties of peanuts) and supplementing with ensure. During this time I couldn't afford food for my turtle and for some reason prior to my financial difficulties he had been a picky eater and all of a sudden he would eat whatever I gave him.

He didn't complain. *tears*

I used to let him roam my apartment and whenever I called his name he would come. I mean how AWESOME is that?! I actually didn't teach him that trick nor did the previous owners but somehow he knew his name and he would come when I called him by it. *tears*

Also if he was hungry it didn't matter where he was or where I was he would come and try to climb my leg. Now that I have a son, he kinda does something similar like Tuttie. Which brings TEARS to my eyes. OH MY TUTTIE!

When I had a little money and was able to afford meat I used to boil the meat a little and wait for it to cool and feed it to him. He ate it all. Since I cooked with onions and green peppers I used to cut them up in to little pieces and he would eat those too. On one of our lean days I saw a huge looking flying thing come in (resembled a dragon fly) and Tuttie patiently waited at the bottom of his tank as soon as the insect landed on the water, Tuttie ate it from underneath. IT WAS SOOO COOL. I had a survivor like me and we bonded. When I used to watch tv I used to grab Tuttie and put him on my bare stomach (I had rock solid abs back then) and he would just chill there. Sounds gross but I couldn't afford a heating lamp so I had modified one of my lamps and he enjoyed being on my belly because it was warm. *tears*

Word got out that I was great with turtles and all of a sudden people started dumping their pets on me. First it was a secretary in the bio dept who was moving to FL and needed to get rid of her turtles. She actually told me she was going to put them in a bag!!! What is WRONG with you?! So I took the turtles from her and named them Fruitie (to go with Tuttie) and Melman (from Madagascar the movie played by David Schwimmer) he kinda acted like a hypochondriac/melodramatic so the name fit. Tuttie seemed to love having companions and they used to spar. At first the behaviour looked like it was a mating ritual and I started to have my doubts about the genders but it turned out that they were all male and it was their way of establishing dominance.

Later my best friend's baby sister after seeing me with my turtles decided to get one and hated it. Carmen the turtle then came to live with me and the bachelors. She wasn't a red eared slider but she was GORGEOUS mashaAllah. When I got married the turtles came with me, when we moved 100 miles away they came with me. When we were living in the hotels they were with me. Side note: I used to fill up the bath tubs so they could swim, purchase a whole mess of gadgets for them to play with and even made my husband carry a HUGE rock everywhere we move because my turtles loved to lounge on it. *and yes I would scrub the bathtubs after I was done*

After a while I started to dream about danger and turtles for some reason and I kept finding articles warning about turtles. We were planning on having children and as it turns out pregnant women, women who could become pregnant, the elderly and children shouldn't come in contact with turtles.

I was forced to part with them. *TEARS*

A couple of months later we found out we were expecting. I was happy but dang it I missed my turtles in particular TUTTIE.

Even though it was months later I was still distraught about having to give up such an extraordinary turtle. I kept wondering and bothering my husband if he thought Tuttie was alright, where would he be? what would he be doing? does he have a family?

Later I had a dream where I was told that Tuttie was fine and so were the others and I got to see them, they looked very healthy and happy. Alhamdulillah. My husband just laughed at me but he said well there is your answer please stop annoying me.

So I love my Tuttie, I can't believe I still miss him so much. The experience was eye opening for me because even though I was a animal lover for some reason I doubted that reptiles could have compassion or if they could even love. Tuttie proved me wrong.

I feel Tuttie and I went through some of my darkest moments in my life together. Some people think that the darkest moments are when you are experiencing them but I don't think so. Because when you are experiencing the trauma your body goes into survival mode and hopefully you survive. The incident is now time constrained int the past. I think your darkest moments come AFTER you survive and are trying to piece your life together. Because now you replay that moment in a loop. The event may be over but the affects are far reaching. I had just left my mom I was only 2 years away from being Muslim and I was still dealing with violent flashbacks among other issues. Tuttie was not judgmental, he was accepting and despite what people say about reptiles he was very loving and would interact with me a lot.

I miss him.

EDIT: During the time I was surviving on peanut butter sandwiches I needed to withdraw my last couple of dollars from the bank and because it was under $20 I had to go to the teller. There was this super cute teller and I was praying that I DIDN'T get him because I was embarrassed. Turns out I got him. So I am withdrawing the money trying to look all cute and he just hands me the $17 (I can't remember the cents) and says "now don't spend it all now". AHH! humiliating. I tried to remember when it happened so I wouldn't see him again. I was mortified. (this incident happened before I was Muslim)

March 21, 2010

Islamic Tourette Syndrome

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

Don't laugh! In 2007 I suffered from this and it was uncomfortable. You see we had just moved from our home state to another one 100 miles away. I had NOTHING to do but stay at hotel rooms while we searched for an affordable apartment. Imagine being stuck in a foreign place with NO internet access?! Cruel and unusual punishment INDEED. This was also during the time my social anxieties were at their worst. I am not sure how long this went on but I basically spoke to my husband and no one else.

Anyway to kill time until my hubs got home/hotel room I would listen for 8 hours to Islamic speeches. I mean NON stop unless I had to pray or use the bathroom, kwim. My iPod was jam packed with Islamic speeches so I spent nearly a month (although am pretty sure it was longer than that), listening to them and I rarely needed to repeat unless I liked the speech (because I had THAT many).

Among the speeches I did repeat was one from Imam Siraj Wahhaj about standing up for justice. The speech had something to do with a Muslim teenager (although at the time it really didn't matter as the police violence was endemic) it just so happen that this kid had no criminal record and was killed doing the right thing. I think after this the violence went down and the quality of life in that community wen up. Anyway, during the speech the Imam would shout out in emphasis "STAND UP FOR JUSTICE" something, something "Allah swt says in the Qu'ran STAND UP FOR JUSTICE" something, something "Brothers and sisters STAND UP FOR JUSTICE! something, something "O you who believe STAND UP FOR JUSTICE!"

It was an awesome speech made me cry and made me repeat STAND UP FOR JUSTICE! for months after (technically YEARS but it was more sporadic later on) I would be talking to someone and just randomly shout STAND UP FOR JUSTICE. And most of the time it was NOT related to what we were talking about. It was SOOOO embarrassing but I couldn't help it I really felt good letting it out like any other bodily function. My condition (Islamic Tourette Syndrome) was not limited to Imam Siraj, any catchphrase used in any of the speeches I heard, I would spew out. It became a game amongst my friends to try to figure out the speaker based on my mumblings.

Oh, and I also would randomly shout "ALLAHU AKBAR! LA ILAHA ILA ALLAH! ALLAHU AKBAR!" this doesn't sound too bad until you realized am talking about tacos and they were also Non Muslim and I may have just met them. It was embarrassing to say the least. EMBARRASSING. Yeah, truly embarrassing. NOT my finest moment of appearing "normal" dang it. OMG, the snafus continued and sadly in the presence of a cop once (he was so understanding). Just thinking about it makes my cheeks burn. There is an appropriate time to shout out all my slogans but probably not the best when the cop is trying to give your hubs a ticket. Or when you are in a pack mall during the holidays, no wonder I seem to have the aisle I was in all to myself.

How is my condition now?
MUCH better. I have more control when I shout out these things although they are still based from speeches and still sorta inappropriate. STAND UP FOR JUSTICE is STILL my favorite one. My iman could be better but hey I am working on it.

PS. Imagine that all the catchphrases in a black middle age man's voice. maybe that will help you understand the awkwardness.

March 20, 2010

I hope my son wont hate me...

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

img from Declan's Closet
(hope to check them out later today, inshaAllah)

ok. I heart second hand stuff, I do, I REALLY, REALLY DO. I think it has to do with me LOVING history. I loved it so much I double majored in it. Anyway, recently I started dressing my son in his little thobe again and I thought he would look absolutely ADORABLE in some converse. Now, being that my hubs and I are unemployed our budget is really tight but we do need to buy my son shoes because he is walking and his other shoes fit him tight. So I bought these shoes off a mama on one of the parenting forums I am a member of and she gave me all three for $22 and that included shipping. Anyway my absolute favorite is the really scuffed one and I don't care what anyone says I am in love with that pair.

aren't they GORGEOUS? I mean all that history, all that fun the previous child must have had in them. oh the possible adventures! Although they do need a nice washing I am in love!

my favorite angle. LOVE the fading!

This is my 2nd favorite because I love black on black chucks! They would have been my # 1 fave but the scuffed one beat it to 1st place :). If anyone follows my Hijab Life blog (I previously did it on my HijabSwappers blog until I did a refocus) you would know I make a lot of my sets with chucks. If I could afford it I would buy a pair for myself but that isn't in the budget for a while.

Each pair would retail for about $25 and above depending on your location plus shipping and taxes. I checked ebay and some crazy dude wanted $50 for a brand new pair of toddler converse. WHAT!?! Dude is crazy! Unfortunately I didn't find any second hand pairs that would be close to affordable. Zappos and Sears had sales until the end of next week but a brand new pair would have still cost me $20 plus shipping. Children out grow shoes so fast, specially my son's age (16 months going on 17) I don't see why I would drop so much money for a brand new pair. ALTHOUGH part of me finds them irresistible my practical self usually wins.

I bought my first (and shockingly ONLY) pair of converse in 2001 (white high tops) and I STILL have them, still wear them and they are STILL in great condition. Alhamdulillah. I also don't like throwing things that can be reused, re-purposed or recycled. I am checking out consignment/second hand shops all this week hoping to score.

I read that children resent having second hand or hand me down items but I hope that isn't true. Because I would love to have a shopping partner when I am rummaging through potential treasure. Plus I think it would be a great place to buy things my future children can play in, kinda like play costumes.

Anyway did any of you get hand me downs or second hand items? Did you resent it? or do you share in my crazy love for all things second hand.

ps. my friend told me to stop calling it second hand...its VINTAGE. lol. FINE.

March 19, 2010


In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

Again if you can't read about domestic and child abuse please DON'T read further.
In the video Channel 4's Diane Cho called disturbing to watch, the baby can be seen picked up violently and slung by his arms into a playpen. Minutes later, the babysitter kicks a bouncy ball the child is playing with at the boy, then picks up the ball and hurls it at the baby's head so hard, it knocks him over.Later, the babysitter can be seen slapping the boy on the back of the head so hard he falls over.Toward the end of the 9-minute video, it appears the babysitter got mad while trying to put socks on the child. According to the arrest report, Campbell swatted the boy 11 times, then kicked him.
Read more here.... picture also from News4Jax
My biggest fear is that something like this MIGHT happen to my son. I honestly don't know if I would be able to control my rage, because lets face it I have A LOT of rage from what happened to me as a kid and I don't think I can handle my son being abused. I am blessed and very grateful (alhamdulillah) that I am able to stay home and raise my son. I think I would be a sucky employee because I will be wondering about my son's well being. To date my son has only been in my care/hubs care or his grandparents since birth and I honestly don't trust anyone else enough to leave them with the amanah of taking care of my son. NO ONE but my husband and I change his diapers (not even the grandparents) and we DON'T change him in front of people. I think he is a person (duh) and deserves privacy and respect like anyone else. I think children are born on fitra and it is the parents/ care takers who destroy it. Why not preserve it? kwim.

this does make it a little hard on me and hubs because we have to re arrange our lives so that it is possible for us to be available to my son as much as possible . But isn't that what being a parent is all about? I mean children aren't meant to just be convenient little dolls that fit so nicely in to our schedule. It takes work and I believe you put in the time NOW and build a relationship so you have a strong foundation when they are older or you put it in LATER when the child is older and more prone to be set in their ways and be influenced more by friends than the parents. So you choose, we personally believe it is easier now.

Anyway, I feel for the father he said he was grateful he didn't see the tape right away because if he had he might have been the one sitting in jail and not the sitter. I can only imagine the number of frustrated nannies that take their anger of their personal lives or their dealings with the child's parents. May Allah swt protect all the children from ALL evil ameen. I also started wondering about the Gulf and the Middle East where I hear abuse of the help is very common. How many of these people decide to get even with their employers children? *shudder* ALL CHILDREN ARE INNOCENT and do not deserve this kind of harsh treatment. IF adults have issues with other adults TAKE IT OUT ON THE ADULTS and leave the children out of it.

I hope the injuries this nanny inflicted on the 11 month old are not permanent as I know that head injuries can lead to convulsions later on in life.


IF THERE IS ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS REPORT IT TO THE AUTHORITIES EVEN IF YOU THINK ITS NOT IMPORTANT NOR RELEVANT. It may just make another parent who is looking for someone to take care of their child to think twice about hiring this person. You may just save the innocence of a child. REMEMBER that everyone begins with a clean record and if you don't report it and other parents don't report it who are you protecting? the perpetrator or the children?

ps. DON'T be swayed by the person's religion because Allah swt says in the Qur'an
O you who believe! stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kindred, and whether it be against rich or poor: For Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts of your hearts, lest you swerve, and if you distort justice or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do. (Quran 4: 135)
So there are NO excuses

March 18, 2010


In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

I ALWAYS wanted to get a tattoo to express how cool I was or how 'deep' I thought about poems and existentialist crap. THANK GOD I NEVER DID. I get tatts are a private thing but I rarely ever encountered a TRULY original and awesome tatt. It usually was the latest trend of tribal ink or a saying in foreign language we don't even know just to prove something to someone. I NEVER bought the "am doing this for me" bs because lets be honest if that is true ,why are you taking pics of it and posting it on facebook? or putting it in places that are not private at all and then asking people's opinions. Fishing for compliments anyone?

Anyway, I got a link to 'cool' celeb tattoos and I was kinda sad for them. Because love may not last but ink is almost forever (unless you can afford painful laser removal surgery). Most of them had tattoos of their ex's names and they had already moved on to other people. Awkward. I would feel so stupid if I had gotten someone's name and I am now hating their guts, its like every time am changing I would see that name and curse at my stupidity. Or one had the date she got married tattooed and a couple of months later was divorced. Personally I wouldn't want people to remind me of my failures let alone have it ON my person at all times. ouch.

I found out that a couple of people started practicing zen Buddhism and a mystic version of Judaism and the moment after they converted they tattooed their beliefs on their bodies. At first I thought it was SOOO cool because it showed their commitment and tatts are supposed to be about meaning and what more meaning than a new found faith? As they grew in their faiths they came to realize that tattoos were forbidden in their new faiths and they were devestated. When I became Muslim in '06 someone suggested I get the shahada or a verse of the Qur'an tattooed above my heart (so I wouldn't forget). ALHAMDULILLAH I DID NOT LISTEN! Imagine? omg. How embarrassing would that have been?

What tattoo(s) would I have gotten?
looking back it sounds so CORNY but, I would have gotten a snake slithering from the top of my neck and end in my lower back (above where the traditional tramp stamp is found). I know, I know, stupid and corny. I thought I had this really cool design and the slithering snake had hidden messages and stuff (did it myself). Another design I had was that of a black panther as I was in to that animal at the time. I later decided to be 'original' by getting my name in bar code on the back of my neck. Alhamdulillah I started seeing a couple of elderly ladies that had tattoos and I noticed that my skin may be nice and tight right now because am young but it will eventually get wrinkled. I mean its only natural. After seeing their 'cool' tattoos look SOOOOOOOOO not cool and plain ugly I decided that when I get wrinkled I didn't want to emphasize the wrinkles by having ink on my skin, I wanted to age with grace (inshaAllah). phew. THANK YOU ladies.

ps. me hearted the tramp stamps for a while until a friend knocked some sense in to me. If you are reading this, I thank you.

March 16, 2010

Intelligence....I think NOT

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

"Intelligence is an umbrella term describing a property of the mind comprehending related abilities, such as the capacities for abstract thought, reasoning, planning and problem solving, the use of language, and to learn."
Growing up I was lead to believe that intelligence was among many other things an ability to communicate with others concisely, allow you to better yourself and others as well as helping you get things done.

Anyway, I used to watch A LOT of TV when I had a TV set but I still watch some of my fave shows (unfortunately couldn't find my forensic files) online. In most if not all of the shows I watch all the geniuses or intelligent people portrayed on them don't fit the definition. I mean yeah they understand complex theories and ideas but they can't communicate for jack. So what good is their intelligence?

Kinda like an AWESOME fashion designer who doesn't know how to draw or how to instruct someone else of what is in their 'vision'. Or an amazing artist who is unable to put on canvas their skill. Or someone who knows everything there is to know about running a multi million dollar company but can't motivate the troops because his communication skills are sub par.

Like the show The Big Bang Theory, the 4 male main characters are geniuses and one is so much of a genius he is 'rare' (Sheldon). However, they can't seem to express themselves in a way that would let the rest of us know what the heck they are talking about. If you noticed none of them are in a position of management or in a position to really change the world with their intelligence and ALTHOUGH I KNOW THIS IS FICTIONAL it lets you know that you need more than just being able to do complex math equations or understand theories. I still enjoy the show very much but I still don't think they can be called "geniuses." Their work kinda seems like some "mental masturbation."

Another character portrayed as a genius is from Bones and Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan a forensic anthropologist as well as a best-selling crime novelist. Her intellectual brilliance enables her to do groundbreaking work, but her lack of social skills provides most of the show's lighthearted humor. Anyway, when the position of director of the "Jeffersonian" comes up she keeps getting passed on and it is eventually given to another character and although she is not as "brilliant and intelligent" as Brennan but she can motivate/manage the institution and get things done. This is a position of power that can change how a prestigious organization works but she will never attain it. Although her job is glamorous and fulfilling to an extent it is kinda of a dead end job.

Ps. please keep the above post under secular knowledge as bringing in religion kind broadens the subject too much.

March 15, 2010

The Real ME

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

I have been meaning to post about the real me for a while now ever since some of my fave bloggers had addressed this topic a couple of months ago. I think the topic was something like "be who you are, stop pretending you are something when you are not, your readers will think you are a hypo for pretending, etc."

Well if you noticed my blog doesn't have cursing and that is actually who I am, I don't curse and it has nothing to do with being a goody two shoes. When I was in high school I tried to be cool by learning to curse but I just came off as a poser since I winced every time I cursed. I would sing the radio version of my fave rap songs because I couldn't pull off the unedited version. kay. Seeing as I failed at cursing in the real world I figured I would flop in the online world too, plus it wouldn't be me. Now that am Muslim I guess I can say I don't curse because its unbecoming of a muslimat but you all know the real reason now. (edit: My mom used to curse a lot both in Spanish and in English maybe that had something to do with my aversion to it, Allahu Aalem)

I never smoked weed, cigarettes, coke or any other 'illegal drugs' and I was even wary of any prescription meds. A year before I became Muslim I broke my foot and I took the percocet they prescribed but it made me a very happy camper, knocked me out for 18 hrs of the day AND it was a narcotic. Knowing my background of child abuse I was afraid I would become dependent as I had read that people with a lot of traumas in their lives have a higher tendency to abuse meds. I also was living on my own and had to work and go to school so being knocked out for 18hrs was going to leave me homeless.

I hated going to clubs or drinking because I saw no point in it. I felt you could have a good time by simply hanging out with your friends. In high school I wasn't allowed to have friends and I never went out because I was working in my moms factory or in school. Once I left home and went to college I started going out with friends and eventually they persuaded/coerced /kidnapped me to clubs or frat parties. I think I mentioned before in a previous post that I suffer from SEVERE social anxieties and being forced in to these situations was mortifying and traumatic for me. Looking back the fact that these friends knew about my anxieties and didn't respect that, should have been a red flag that I needed to find new friends. Although I disagree with the abuse I endured with my mother or working 8 hrs a day after going to school, it probably saved me from a lot of issues because most of the people I knew in high school became my "friends" in college. It was a blessing in HEAVY disguise.

I became Muslim April 11th 2006, met my hubs December 15th 2006 and married him December 20th 2006. I am madly in love with him and I can't believe I am blessed with such a great man. MashaAllah. He is very understanding of my issues and has actually helped me overcome a lot of my anxieties and flashbacks. I tried to sabotage my marriage because I was an idiot and I thought I didn't deserve to be happy. Although it hurt him a great deal ALHAMDULILLAH he forgave me and we moved pass that. We DO have issues and fights but I don't post about them because it doesn't concern the world as it is between the two of us. When I wrote about how I met him I was angry at him for something he had done and after reading what I had written I forgave him. Also it wouldn't be fair as you would only be getting my side and I don't want to back bite him because its wrong and because I work to darn hard to do good deeds to just hand them over to ANYONE.

I get a long with my in laws they are friggin AWESOME and they have been nothing but nice and respectful ever since I met them. There were people in the extended family that objected to my hubs marrying me and my FIL and MIL both put them in their place and shut them up and they stood by me. I am thankful for that.

I DO sprinkle my sentences both online and off with dhikr in Arabic because I feel like it and it soothes me. I don't wear abayas because they are darn hard to breast feed in and the maternity abayas are EWW. When I know I am going to a wedding or some fancy Muslim event I do wear an abaya because it looks more elegant and then I regret it because I have to breastfeed. I DO wear mainly black but it is because I am LAZY and that about sums up the rest of my wardrobe. I happen to LOVE the niqab and I have been wearing it full time since March/April 2007.

I have never been in a fight with anyone my age, I guess the closest I came to fighting was with my mom the day (I was 17) that I had had enough or the time I found out the man who molested me was trying to do it to my bros (ran after him with a knife and he hid, I was 12). Although in previous posts I said I didn't cry as a child because I felt it was for weak people, I cry freely now alhamdulillah. I do pray my prayers on time because they are important to me and they are fardh. I pray 12 rakahs of sunnah every day (although lately I have been having issues) because I read a hadith that mentioned the rewards for doing so. I pray my witr for the same reasons. So what am saying is I am driven by rewards.

My house (since we are with the in laws its our room) is a perpetual mess and that is mainly my fault, maybe, kinda, sorta. It is EMBARRASSING. If any of you would ever go in to my room you would be shocked and I would be humiliated. I am not exaggerating the mess, believe me. I wish.

I have 3 close friends and few acquaintances, my goal for this year is to meet more people. As a non Muslim I knew TONS of people none of whom I would like to associate with now. I think the main reason besides my anxieties that prevents me from making friends its something my High school history teacher and mentor once told me, "the more people you know, the more likely you will die, because most murders are committed by people the victim knows." THANKS. It encourages me to go out and meet people! Once I break the ice and start talking people usually like me and want to hang out its usually me who either never picks up the calls or never calls them. *shakes fist* at history teacher.

I think I REALLY started living after I became Muslim and DEFINITELY after I got married. Because my dad died when I was 3 yrs old and my life totally changed (his death anniversary is coming up), I was molested/raped from 4-7 (almost 8), came to America and met my mom not too long after that I was being beaten daily. Even once I left at 18 I was lonely and just beginning to deal with my issues as well as being hospitalized every semester for near kidney failure. I came to Islam at 20 yrs and then a couple of months later at 21 married my hubs. Life ever since then has been groovy (for the most part). I now have a family and a son and I feel secure which was something I hadn't experienced or at the very least don't remember experiencing.

I can't sing although that doesn't stop me. I used to know how to dance although I now feel awkward doing so but it doesn't stop me from shaking it. Hubs said this to me a couple of days ago
Hubs: Next time we see the pediatrician she should look at (our son's) ears for hearing loss.

Me: WHY?! Have you noticed something?

Hubs: yeah, his mother sings to him.

So yeah I suck at singing but you don't have to be so mean about it. geez!

Everything I write on this blog is me as I use it as a tool to vent from any daily issues or to write out and work through my memories. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE logging on to blogger and finding new comments in moderation, makes me feel loved and like am not talking to myself.

March 11, 2010

Love is in the air....or is it MURDER?

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

Ever wonder where they get the contestants for these dating shows? Serial killer Rodney Alcala won 'The Dating Game' just before murder spree (read more about it here)

March 10, 2010


In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم you remember where we parked our camel?

I wonder how many camel thefts there are in these parking lots? lolers

I CAN'T LIVE if living is without YOU!!!

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

my computer caught a mega virus (of the identity theft kind) and a key logger so I have not used it in a couple of days. using hubs at the moment. So to pass time and to annoy hubs in to fixing it faster I am singing any song that comes to mind but as off tune and horribly and non stop as possible. ;) things are moving along. ;) Alhamdulillah.

so here is my rendition

I CAN'T LIVE!!!! if living is with out you!!!!! (my dear CPU)
I know, you know, that I'm not telling the truth.
I know, you know, they just don't have any proof.
I am so lonely, lonely on my OWN!!! (add a howl for some drama)
Suerte que mis pechos sean pequenos para que no confundas con montana...lero something else
am at your feet OH!

ojos asi!

yea. I don't remember the full lyrics so I MAY mix a couple of songs and thoroughly butcher them. I do it all for you my computer baby! COME BACK I miss you.

March 8, 2010

The folgers can incident

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

Again if you can't read about domestic and child abuse please DON'T read further.

Background: My mom had remarried a younger guy within months of leaving my step dad/ my bros dad of 17 years. We were living on the 3rd floor of an apartment complex and I was in 8th grade.

With the exception of the house we shared with my step dad every other home my mother, bros and I lived in (post divorce) seem to be infested with roaches. gross. Anyway it was a custom of ours to keep a folgers coffee can (I don't think the cans are in production any more) and we would fill it with sugar. That way the roaches wouldn't get in to our sugar nor would it go stale in its original packaging.

It was my responsibility among a mountain of responsibilities to make sure the 5lbs bag of sugar was poured into the can. It usually never fit but the remainder would be put into the fridge until there was room in the can since I would get a beating if there was no sugar. This one time the sugar actually fit because it was nearly empty and although there was like 5 spoonfuls of sugar left in the bag I managed to somehow squeezed them in to the can without spilling anything. I was really proud of myself as I have a little selective OCD when it comes to efficiency and stuff related to it. Anyway what I failed to notice was that because I jam packed all the sugar in to the can it had no room for the little scoop. I didn't think much of it because we rinse all of our utensils before we use them because of the roach infestation so I threw the bag in the garbage.

When my mother came home she went to make herself a cup of coffee and let out a scream. We all ran to the kitchen (bros and I) because we thought she may have cut herself and was bleeding to death or something. She was extremely angry that I had made the unforgivable mistake of not making room for her scoop. She went in to her normal tirade of what a useless piece of animal excrement I was and how I was a good for nothing and how I would mess up even the most simplest of commands and so on.

She demanded I pick the sugar bag from the garbage and pour some sugar from the can into the bag to make room for the darn scoop. I knew it was a trap, a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. Because this is the woman who jumps through major hoops for food cleanliness and here she is demanding I do something I know she wouldn't do in a million years.

Not knowing what to do, I did nothing. Apparently that infuriated her so much that she started beating me. After hearing the verbal tirade of my pathetic self, her blows didn't even hurt. She demanded again I pick the bag up and this time I figured why do it now? She already beat me? what more could she do? So I stood my silent ground.

Well she grabbed me by my hair, punched, kicked and somehow had me on the kitchen floor slamming the back of my head against the floor. I can't even describe to you the helplessness and hopelessness I felt. Like I didn't matter. I was a nobody. My mother didn't even love me who else would? I lost my will to live (again) so I just went limp and allowed her to continue slamming my head against the floor. I tried to keep my eyes shut during this because I didn't want her face to be the last thing I look at before I die. I was unable to keep my eyes shut because the red flashes of light when my head hit the floor were too strong so I focused on the ceiling instead. I didn't share a tear (although am crying right now just remembering the feelings) because at that time I felt that tears were for weak people and aggressors feed on your pain. My brothers (fourth grade and first grade) just stared at us not knowing what to do and scared out of their minds.

I honestly don't know how long she was at it because I was waiting to die, hoping I would see the white light people talk about and finally experiencing peace. Well I didn't get that because my mom's new husband arrived home and walked in to a bloody mess. I mean how many times does a skull need to be bashed or for the blood loss to become fatal? I was even a failure at dying.

He ripped my mother from me and ordered me to go to my shared room with my bros. As I was leaving I heard her crying and upset I hadn't shown any emotion, "how can you punish a kid who doesn't seem to feel pain?" I walked away thinking that God must certainly not love me to allow this to go on without giving me a means of escape. I was a shell of a person.

March 6, 2010

Kid Marriages

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

LOL. I had to share. I JUST HAD TO SHARE!! So I am playing UNO on facebook (totally addicted) and I saw my friends update and I couldn't stop laughing. Enjoy.

Laila's married to her imaginary friend. His name is Tickle Tickle. He's also 2 years old. She talks about him all the time. I thought kids don't get imaginary friends until they're at least 5. It took me more than a month to figure out who Tickle Tickle is. Today she told me that he's her husband; I thought he was just a friend. And he gives her chocolate, apparently.

March 3, 2010

FINE. You win...

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

I mean look at the tiger, he looks defeated.

March 2, 2010

Everyone hates the popo until you need them...

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

The last couple of days have been hectic with the police being called by a friend of ours on behalf of another friend who was so terrified she locked herself in the bathroom. It took us 3-4 HOURS to finally bust her out of her house and my friend (the driver) and I were livid. I MEAN HE COULD HAVE KILLED HER!!!

Why were we so late in picking her up?
well for starters I knew of some of the marital issues this sister was having but not all and therefore couldn't prove to my husband that she was in real danger although he got ready to pick her up anyway. My other friend (the driver and 2nd person to call the cops, lets call her Susan) her husband is a social worker and he was hesitant in getting involved. My other friend (the one who originally called the cops but was a couple of states away, lets call her Sarah) her husband also refused to call the sister's husband (the one having marital problems, lets call her Laura) to find out what the heck was going on.

We were all like"these brothers just band together and cover each others butts....No wonder it is so hard for a muslimah to leave her abusive husband." Our husbands stand by their judgment that they didn't know what was going on and they don't just run in to a situation without any prior knowledge. REALLY?? The sister in need is NOT the type to call wolf and if she asked for help that means that the situation has gone too far. If someone calls me or texts me that they are scared, matter fact so scared that they are locked in the bathroom to have space from their spouse, YOU GET THEM OUT FIRST! ask questions later!

OMG. Anyway when we were on our way Laura's husband cutoff her cell phone line and we had no way to contact her. We knew there was no way her husband was going to let her go, plus he had hit her before, plus he knew mix martial arts. So we called the cops again to let them know that we were on our way to pick her up but there was no way of us getting her out. When we arrived two squad cars were there and her husband was leaving. He looked VERY embarrassed that we had shown up and pretended to tie his shoe laces for like 10 min and fumbled with his stuff.

MashaAllah the cops were very nice we asked them to please stay a little while longer while we took her stuff out because we feared he would come back. They gave us 15 minutes and all three (Sara, Laura and I) rummaged through the house looking for all the important documents she would need and anything else that belonged to her.

Alhamdulillah we got her out and she was besides herself in tears. Once in the car she spilled EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING. This man (Laura's husband) had stolen her identity before and taken out credit cards and other things in her name and hadn't paid for it. He was doing other stuff and basically he lied about everything. We learned that a couple of years ago he had done the same and they had gone to mediation and alhamdulillah she had the letter were he had agreed to pay her back everything signed and witnessed to by the local imam. He also wiped out her savings and stolen her hajj money.

We basically had to run to the nearest bank so she could remove her money before he had a chance to and subhanAllah on the way there she called her credit cards and he had already changed all of her information so that it would be mailed to a P.O. box. We were in shock. We never expected how nefarious and grimy this man truly was. SubhanAllah.

My friend is such a sweet heart and before becoming Muslim (fellow Latina) she had never dated, was obedient to her family, excellent student, she is very honest, loyal, she was a dream to have as a friend. Over the years she has discovered things about her husband that he hid when they courted and had she known that she would have NEVER married him.

She is so heartbroken right now and she just can't believe she lived with a man for 4 years and realized that she really doesn't know who he was. She mourns that she gave her chastity to him and how she would stand up for him when her whole family said he was wrong for her. The first time she disobeyed her family was because of him. She has gone through so much these past couple of years and she just looks beaten. May Allah swt heal her heart.

The first night her husband found out were she was staying because some frigging brother tipped him off. She was so scared that we scrambled to find her a new place and moved her again the next day. We found her a place to stay indefinitely and she is going through the procedure of getting a legal divorce and an Islamic divorce. Her husband is making his rounds destroying her reputation and there are two imams at the local masjid. The one who knows everything and has recommended to my friend to get divorced and the other one. Well the OTHER ONE is apparently on her husband's side and wants her to give him another chance. WHAT?!

AHHH!!! Anyway my husband, son and I spent 4 hours at the police station with her so she could get a restraining order, a theft report and Identity theft. She was granted the restraining order for 10 days but she must go to court in a couple of days. She is such a lovely girl and my friends and I are helping her out. Please keep her in your prayers.

ps. The good cops, the ones that help people....I think they are heroes.

{EDIT} The 2nd time the cops arrived her husband had convinced one of the cops my friend was nuts but alhamdulillah his partner came up and he had come earlier in the day and told his partner otherwise. He witnessed her husband throwing things and smashing doors on his first trip.

That officer (the one on her side) we saw him yesterday (2 days since the intervention) when Laura was getting her restraining order and he spoke on her behalf to the officer taking the report. She was still besides herself and him sharing with the other officer made things easier for her and gave more validity to her claim. SUPER NICE dude.

ps. wanna know who the rookie in the office is?
the dude with the most paper work. lol and he looked like a heavy set lebron. lol. Is that backbiting cuz I turned around and I told my hubs that and he just shook his head in disbelief. Give me a break it was like 10PM. I had to crack some jokes.