February 21, 2010

Having Girls

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you السلام عليكم

When I was pregnant with my little dude in 2008 I was terrified. I was so terrified I tried to sleep through most of the day so that I wouldn't think about being pregnant. I was also very happy to be expecting. Confusing I know.

I was mainly afraid that I would have a girl. Not because girls are bad or because of any cultural hangup but because I was afraid she would get hurt. Life is so hard for girls. There is menstruation, rape, beatings, domestic violence, child birth, all the stigma of being the "weaker sex" but mainly because they get raped. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to protect her or that she would go through what I went through. I wanted to make du'a against having a girl but I have this belief that children regardless of whether they can speak or even understand DO feel feelings. They understand in their own way and if I was pregnant with a girl I didn't want her to feel unloved because I was in love with the child I was caring.

I also know that the gender of the child is decided at conception because some sperms carry the X chromosome and some carry the Y chromosome and only one can inseminate the egg. So I was scared that if I asked Allah swt for a boy and it was a girl what if the baby is born with an abnormality? or a hermaphrodite? Instead I focused on the health of the child and TRYING to enjoy pregnancy.

Once I was able to be comfortable with the idea of being pregnant I DIDN'T want to find out if I was having a girl or a boy. My friends thought that it was crazy but I wanted a surprise. In reality I didn't want to find out at 20 weeks that it was a girl and I would spend the rest of my pregnancy crying. Also what if that hurts the growth of the baby?

So I didn't find out and I enjoyed my pregnancy.

I opted for a home-birth and my son was born at home, in our bedroom. It was amazing and empowering and alhamdulillah NO tears. After the high of giving birth and the following days of caring for a newborn I realized that boys need as much protection as girls. A sexual predator is a sexual predator and being the cowards that they are they prey on the innocent and the weak of our societies. Regardless of gender. This realization shattered my long held belief that girls are molested because they are girls, nothing bad happens to boys.

I now spend a good chunk of my time making du'a that my son and all the children of the world are kept safe from predators, people who wish them harm and people who are willing to do evil to them. ameen.

I still have some remaining fears of having girls but I can't control life, I can only make du'a, live my life and hope for the best. My son is 16 months and 'despite' being an attachment parented baby he is VERY independent and my fears are just that, MY FEARS. Also not all fears are logical. I have to work through them because they cannot rule my life and more importantly my hangups and fears can't get in the way of my son's life or any other life Allah swt blesses me with. Because in the future if Allah swt blesses me with a girl, what am I going to do then? not speak to her? lock her up in my house? never let her get married? or try to ignore the fact she is a girl?

NO. I refuse. I will love any child I am blessed with, either through foster care, biologically or through adoption regardless of gender. I still have a lot of work to do but I recently secretly (well technically its public now) wanted a girl. I can't help it, I am outnumbered!

ps. Keep me in your du'as

Resources
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/child-sexual-abuse.asp

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/childsexualabuse.html


{EDIT} What made me change my mind on girls? being a mother. It's awesome.

5 comments:

Mimisha said...

I always wanted a girl and now iam pregnant with a boy. I really needed some time 2 get over it as i wanted so much 2 have a girl :) And i have not much experience with male kids which made me scared 2 be a bad mother.
But inshallah everything will be fine and may allah help us and keep our children safe

.::Tuttie::. said...

@Mimisha. inshaAllah you will be a GREAT mother. I don't have any experience with girls but I do have one boy and he makes my day. children are precious regardless of gender.

@Sakeenah. EXACTLY. I think I will always be paranoid and it will be my job to keep that under control so that my children can have somewhat of a normal life. inshaAllah.

NtN said...

InshaAllah ta'ala whatever Allah decides will soothe your worries. May Allah SWT bless you with a healthy baby, regardless of gender, and may He guide you through the difficult road of conquering your fears, ameen.

:)

Freckle said...

Tuttie, It's faith in writing, just coming back to check in on you xx
I wanted to say that I think that while little girls may seem vulnerable at time, and need extra protection (I'm VERY protective of my baby girl) I think that sometimes it can be harder for little boys. I know that I am sensitive and in ways very vulnerable, but growing up with my brother I had it easier. I saw him not be as masculine as he was "supposed to be" and he was teased at school and his confidence was shattered. I saw him never quite understand how to be "one of the boys" and he was always in the shadows. While my growing up experience was ok, I was also teased etc but I came out of it ok. I think sometimes girls and women are tougher than men, and we're made to be. I think girls can often be more resilient and capable of putting up with things that boys simply couldn't get their heads around.
But on the other hand I understand where your fears are coming from. It's up to you to protect her as much as possible, but just remember, this (rape, abuse) isn't something your daughter (if God willing you have one) is guaranteed to go through. All you can do is surround her with goodness and the best ideas, and have her married to a good and honest man. As you have found for yourself. I will keep you in my du'as.
xx Sarah

.::Tuttie::. said...

@ Sarah. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! I was wondering where you've been! Alhamdulillah you are ok. Yup I agree with you on the boys having it hard on the self esteem front. I saw my own brothers get torn down for the same reasons as yours did. I spent most of my time trying to help them be stronger in their identity and self esteem.

Now that I have a boy I am trying to raise a caring child. He will some day be (God willing) someone's husband and even father and I want to raise a good, pious caring human being. It is a huge responsibility.

Thank you for your du'as, they mean a lot to me.

but what have you been up to? your old blogs haven't been updated, do you have a new one?

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