November 30, 2009

Reality Check *ouch*

So I decided to memorize the whole Qur'an by next Ramadan which is about 255 days away and I came out with the enthusiasm of Rambo and with as much sensitivity. After talking to my Qur'an teacher I was told that there IS a method to the madness and that memorizing by verses is not a good idea. *blush*

I was given a set of books on Tajweed rules (part 1,2 and 3) a Juz Amma for the classroom junior level book and I already own several Qur'ans (one in SPANISH! with Arabic alongside it). SO instead of starting to memorize tomorrow I will be studying tajweed rules and revising the surahs I already know.

My teacher appreciates my enthusiasm but reeled me in gently. Oh yeah, who is this awesome teacher you may ask? hubs.

November 29, 2009

Nitty Gritty for my Memorizing the Qur'an

Earlier today I posted that I will start to memorize the Qur'an, inshaAllah (you can read about it here)

So I did the break down.
1) How many Ayats in total?

2) In order to achieve my goal how many ayats do I have to memorize a day? a week? a month?
A day = 25 ayats (it was actually 24.254902)
A week= 175 ayats
A month=700
    How did I calculate that?
    I assumed the start date for Ramadan 2010 is August 11, 2010 (tentatively). I will start memorizing (inshaAllah) tomorrow Monday, November 30, 2009. That is a total of 255 days. I had already memorized 51 verses so that brought my total count from the original 6,236 to 6,185.

    My initial statement that I will memorize the Qur'an by next Ramadan seemed overwhelming but when you take steps forwards and start planning your strategy to make it possible it doesn't seem so daunting. I can memorize 25 verses a day (INSHAALLAH!).

    make dua that Allah swt blesses me with the ability to memorize, understand and live by the Qur'an. ameen.

    inshaAllah I will be posting more about my progress.

    [edit] Qur'an teacher said that memorizing by verses is not a good way to go and instead memorize by page. so that's the new strategy inshaAllah.

    ♥Muslims♥ All Over the WORLD!

    I am still on that high from a couple of days ago and wanted to share these videos with you. I first saw them in sister blog S.O.S~Save Our Sunnah! Isn't it wonderful that we are part of this ummah? Look at the diversity. ALLAHU AKBAR!

    A road to Hajj - China - 24 Nov 09 - Pt 1

    1300 years of Islam, MashAllah.
    A road to Hajj - China - 24 Nov 09 - Pt 2

    The road to Hajj - Azerbaijan - 25 Nov 09 - Pt 1

    MASHAALLAH! her grandmother prayed and read Qur'an at 115 years of age! Allahu Akbar.

    The road to Hajj - Azerbaijan - 25 Nov 09 - Pt 2

    May Allah swt accept their hajj and bless the benefactor ameen. I love the husband and wife story. the rewards she must be getting mashaAllah. May Allah swt protect their marriage and continue to nurture it ameen.

    Road to Hajj - Japan - 26 Nov 09 - Pt 1

    I thought it was beautiful that he was trying to provide for his child a community of Muslims. May Allah swt reward him for his efforts ameen. Mashaallah. I am in awe of how he has persevered and finally has ethnic Japanese going with him on hajj.

    Road to Hajj - Japan - 26 Nov 09 - Pt 2

    I am going to be honest with you and tell you that I have very little love for the Japanese people in particular the people who were alive during the world wars, invaded and perpetrated the atrocities in Nanking China. I know its stupid but because of my childhood I sided with the Chinese. I love them for the sake of Allah swt. This video reminded me that it is absolutely stupid to hold a population as a whole responsible for the actions of the minority. I actually slapped my forehead when that realization hit. Why am I hating on a group of people I have never met? and WHY am I holding grudges when the harm was not done to me nor was I alive when it occurred? Anyway I have a new reason to love the Japanese, I have brothers and sisters there! may Allah swt strengthen the Muslim community there and may it continued to grow in both numbers and iman AMEEN.

    Road to Hajj -Panama- 27 Nov 09 - Pt 1

    Road to Hajj -Panama- 27 Nov 09 - Pt 2

    I got all happy about Panama because they are latinos but I know of larger Muslim populations in Ecuador, Brazil and Argentina. I mean in my area an Ecuadorian Sheikh came from Ecuador to the USA specifically to speak to latino Muslims. He is responsible mashaAllah for bringing nearly 1/2 and possibly more of the latino converts in my area. SUBHANALLAH. ALLAHU AKBAR!

    anyway inshaAllah the brother in the video will be able to go to hajj next year. I am making du'a for him.

    Road to Hajj - India - 28 Nov 09 - Part 1

    lol. watch the niqabi (who HAS to be smiling at the very least) try to comfort her big baby...her hubs as he is getting his shot. lol. Also check out the brother selling ihrams modeling that white hijab for women. lol

    On a serious note mashaallah at the brother moved to tears just by remembering Allah swt. mashallah.

    Road to Hajj - India - 28 Nov 09 - Part 2

    May Allah swt accept their hajj as complete, may they be forgiven for all their sins, may they get their books of good deeds on their right hand, may they be blessed with jannatul firdous AMEEN.

    and for those (like me) who were unable to go to hajj, May Allah swt allow us to go whenever it is best for us. AMEEN. and may it be an accepted hajj. ameen.

    oh no! 6666 ayats in the Qur'an!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

    I have a very ambitious goal I want to accomplish by the start of the next Ramadan (inshaAllah) to do so I needed some BASIC questions answered. MY GAWD! the misinformation out there. I nearly threw my imaginary shoe at my monitor. MY GAWD!

    As I was researching the following questions I found out that some idiot out there is claiming that there are 6666 ayats in the Qur'an and therefore it is a sign of the devil. WHAT??!? where did they get the extra ayats? The # I found were 6,236 ayats so how they got 6666 is beyond me.

    Regardless though, I don't believe in numerology. I believe in the Qur'an and Sunnah. I am shocked at the claims but they aren't really that original to be honest with you. I don't stress it that much because Allah swt protects his final revelation and his religion. Nothing they do will stamp out Islam or the Muslims. Plus they are a part of dawah, if it wasn't for them trying to spread lies about Islam people wouldn't research Islam. So in essence it is a self defeating mission. So go nuts you nut jobs.

    Anyway back on point here are my notes (I brainstormed while I was in the masjid and hubs and little dude where mingling in the bros section). *tears* My baby boy is mingling *tears* mashaAllah.

    Personal Goals
    • Memorize the Qur'an by next Ramadan
    • Memorize at least the las juz by the end of this year.
    Nitty Gritty.
    1. How many Ayats in total?
    2. In order to achieve my goal how many ayats do I have to memorize a day? a week? a month?
    3. Who can be my teacher?
    4. What would help me memorize?
    -a chart
    -a chart similar to the one used n Bk of mom and dad.
    (once I have it made I'll share with you guys)
    -create a support group
    -blog about it
    -memorize in the early morning
    -Stay awake after fajr and sleep @ dhuhr when it is sunnah.
    -Don't sleep at Asr time as it affects memory
    -stop indulging in the music in commercials
    -limit my tv watching and ultimately eliminate it.
    -give in sadaqah
    -make dua
    -ask others to make dua for me
    I know its a HUGE goal but I aim HIGH instead of aiming for mediocrity. Whos with me? and do you guys know any support system?

    November 28, 2009

    am a cheeseball

    For eid my local imax dome theater had the Journey to Mecca: In the Footsteps of Ibn Battuta and I cried. Yeah. I cried when I saw the Muslims go down for sujud in a massive congregation. Cried when I saw the fake line of caravans going to hajj. Cried when I saw the Kaaba (the recreated ancient one and the current one). You guys already know I don't cry easily but the waterworks were on overdrive.

    I knew the whole thing was fake but just sitting in that huge dome feeling like you are there and seeing other Muslims doing what inshaallah I will be doing soon made me cry. Subhanaallah. They are MY people. The billion of Muslims who lived before me, the billions of Muslims who are currently alive (and some doing hajj) and the billions more to come and perform the same ritual. They are my community brought together by LA ILAHA ILA ALLAH. I just felt overwhelmed with love for all of them regardless of their denomination. I loved them all. May Allah swt continue to guide all of humanity to the truth and may Allah swt put love in my heart for those whom he loves ameen.

    November 27, 2009

    Eid Greetings and an Update

    My father in law will soon be back from Hajj and the fam will be all together again (inshaAllah). Also its been a week since I wrote about my abuse and after having some time away from it I think I will continue to write. I was overwhelmed by the memories and the repressed memories that are surfacing but I am thankful for my family who supports me and for my online community who cheers me on. Jazakallah khayr. It means a lot to me.

    So if you could stomach what I will be writing about you are more than welcomed to read it. wa salaam.

    Controversy, Cold Shoulder and Baiting

    In my 24 years of life I have discovered as many, many, many people have before me that for someone who seeks attention (of any kind whether it be to be famous or infamous) to be ignored is a fate (or punishment) worst than death.

    I wish my fellow Muslims would pay heed to that in the up coming days. Remember that to follow someone is to support what they are doing and remember that unlike in the real world where we could explain ourselves and only a limited amount of people could see us (unless you are on TV or YouTube). In the virtual world, however, millions could see our affiliations and assume things. For example I have come across a couple of blogger sisters whom I hold in high regard following people who are less than reputable.

    Now, I have given them as many excuses as I can but, I have to be honest and say that initially I was taken aback and unfortunately it took me a a while to regain my respect for them. (I am only human).

    Remember that to an outcast there is nothing better than to continue to be harassed by the community as they can use that to further feel like the "victim" and to exploit us for their gain. Would [insert name of infamous writer here] book become a best seller if she hadn't received death threats and harassment? Would she have been featured on Vogue? or gone on so many talk shows? NO. She wouldn't have 'credibility' aka street cred. Remember that. Remember that.


    live and let live and make Duah
    Ultimately Allah swt will judge between us
    and most importantly
    DON'T fall for the bait

    Dawah DVD Drive

    I am a big fan of and they are currently having a drive that you might be interested in. Here are the details but you can check out the whole thing here. Remember that there are more than one way to give in sadaqah, you could spread the word, you could give financially or you could give by making duah. So make dua for the brother running HalfDate and for this Date Drive to be successful ameen.

    وَمَنْ أَحْسَنُ قَوْلًا مِمَّنْ دَعَا إِلَى اللَّهِ وَعَمِلَ صَالِحًا وَقَالَ إِنَّنِي مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِينَ – فصلت 33
    And who is better in speech than he who [says: "My Lord is Allâh (believes in His Oneness)," and then stands straight (acts upon His Order), and] invites (men) to Allâh’s (Islâmic Monotheism), and does righteous deeds, and says: “I am one of the Muslims.” (Fussilat 41:33)

    Drive Deadline: Dec 22, 2009

    Drive Target:

    • Printing 1000 Dawah DVDs

    • Giving DVDs to speakers who tour for sale, (financial help for them).
    • Giving DVDs for distribution for Islamic Awareness Weeks.

    Itemized Cost

    • $3000 for printing 1000 DVDs
    • $90 Paypal fees (to save this fee, please consolidate your donations in one transaction or send big donations by check)
    • $300 HalfDate costs

    November 26, 2009

    I know size could be daunting...

    but don't worry. I LOVE YOU!
    this is a trailer

    That's actually Robin Williams singing My Way by Frank Sinatra in Spanish, SPANISH! I know. He did a pretty good job too. I am a fan of Robin Williams I don't think there is a single movie/show he has been in that I did not like. May Allah swt grant him iman. ameen.

    this is from the actual movie

    whos fasting with me??

    Today is the day of Arafah! Jazakallah khayr to Hispanic Muslimah for the reminder and the hadiths. May Allah swt accept reward you ameen.

    "The ninth day of Dhul-Hijjah (the 12th and final month of the Islamic calendar) is the day of 'Arafah. It is the day when pilgrims stand on the plain of 'Arafah to pray. On this day, Muslims all over the world who do not witness the annual hajj should spend the day in fasting, in preparation for the three days festivity following 'Eid ul-Adha (the celebration marking the end of the hajj commemorating the Prophet Ibrâhîm's willingness of sacrifice).

    Abû Hafsah, may Allâh be pleased with him, reported that the Prophet, upon whom be peace, said:

    "Fasting on the day of 'Arafah absolves the sins for two years: the previous year and the coming year, and fasting on 'ashûra, (the tenth day of Muharram) atones for the sins of previous years."

    [Reported by all except al-Bukhârî and Tirmidhî]"
    So whos with me?

    May Allah swt forgive us all for our sins and accept our prayers and fasting as complete. AMEEN. Can I get an ameen?

    November 25, 2009


    huh. What do you think when you hear 'househusbands'? I watched an episode of a new reality tv househusbands of hollywood that follows the lives of semi rich to rich families and the women are the breadwinners. I have to be honest with you I saw the 6th episode first and I had absolutely NO respect for these men. NONE. I felt they should suck it up and go out and get a job. They are a disgrace.

    Anyway I decided to check out the first episode and it changed my view of 4 out of the 5 men on the show. It seem like the wife and husband looked at their finances and careers and realized that the woman had the better career or had advanced longer in that career so the men gave up theirs to help their wives. Oops. Sorry for being judgmental.

    It is funny in parts where the man is not only a househusband but a stay at home dad that also handles his wife's beauty line. MashAllah. Tempest (from the cosby show) and her boyfriend Darryl (from its a different world, I think) are there, some MLB guy and his in demand makeup artist wife and some other people I recognize but can't remember their names.

    So what do you think when you hear househusbands?

    November 23, 2009

    When In Debt or in Financial Difficulty

    I was watching a new show called "Bank of Mom & Dad" and its basically about young 20 something women who don't know how to manage their finances and are ruining their lives. Seeing that I am in debt to the tune of 30gs I paid attention hoping to find some advice about how to pay down my debt. yeah. I don't see how the guru is helping these girls unless the show is paying them for some of the debt. That is the only solution I see and this is why I feel that way.

    The first showdown is basically the parents trying to guess how much their daughter is in debt for, the daughter writes her amt and the guru actually gives out the exact # and the breakdown. Anyway the second meeting the girls are handed a budget that they are expected to follow and there are tears, wigs and resentment flying all over the place. The amt allocated for paying the debt off is at most $400 a month and told they will be financially independent in 2 to 5 years. How? $400 a month x 12 months in a year equals $4 800 a year. These girls are usually $30,000 and one even had $68,000 in debt. It doesn't seem feasible unless they are getting paid for appearing on the show and that would be nice to disclose to the viewers who are under the impression this new financial road map is all these girls need. *shakes fist at them*

    I became heavily indebted before becoming Muslim and that weight is still hanging around my neck and I need to get rid of it (you can read about it here). I have not accumulated any debt since becoming Muslim 3 years ago and I think that is a huge accomplishment, alhamdulillah.

    I want to pay my debt on my own because I need to do it for my own self esteem. I got myself in the mess and (inshaAllah) I can get my self out. Plus I must be the example I want my son to be. I want him to be independent and not rely on anyone but Allah swt. Since I have virtually NO income coming in right now I spoke to hubs to see if I should get a job. (he is still looking but having no luck). WHAT A BUMMER. Do you know that more than 1/2 my pay would go to child care? Subhanallah. I had NO idea how expensive it is to pay a babysitter. I don't want to do it. NOPE. NOT at all. I also believe that no one can take care of my son with the patience and love I have for him. Plus all the nanny cams horror stories I heard make me scare to trust someone with my beautiful baby boy.

    So in the meantime I have to figure out how to monetize on my other projects pronto. I am currently up to date on my loans and recently received forbearance because both my hubs and I are unemployed and would be unable to make payments.

    So please make duah that I can become financially independent and debt free ameen. Here are some duas for those of us tied down by debt.

    The following duas (supplications) should be made when in debt or financial difficulty.
    اللهم اكفني بحلالك عن حرامك واغنني بفضلك عمن سواك
    O Allah, provide me with lawful livelihood, adequate to my needs instead of ill-gotten one, and graciously grant me freedom from needing anything from anyone besides Yourself.

    O Allah, the Soother of worry and grief, Granter of the prayer of helpless people, the Giver of mercy and grace in this world and the hereafter,you alone can have true mercy on me so favour me in a way that I may no longer stand in need of the kindness of others.


    O Allah, Master of all sovereignty, You give dominion to whomsoever You like and You snatch it away from whomsoever You please, You exalt anyone, You please and degrade anyone You like, all good is in Your hands and surely You have power over all things. O Giver of mercy and grace in this world and the hereafter, You give sovereignty and honour to whomsoever You please and deprive whomever You please of sovereignty and honor. Favor me in a way that I may no longer stand [in need] of the kindness of others.

    Virtual Assistants (market research)

    I know this is a new concept for Muslims but it is very wide spread and very common outside our community. I was wondering (market research) if anyone would be interested in a virtual assistant. I have a lot of stay at home Muslimahs who are college educated with advanced degrees and need extra income.

    What is a Virtual Assistant?
    there are 2 types, one that handles personal stuff like making your appointments, paying your bills (once you establish a relationship), just what a starlet would use but on a budget. The other one is more business related and deals with the following tasks
    1. make and confirm reservations
    2. pay bills/venues (with your debit card on file)
    3. prepare and distribute PR releases
    4. prepare accounting information for my CPA for tax time
    5. manage printing, shipping, and sale of books
    6. deal with customer issues and concerns
    7. manage my shopping cart and other online tasks
    8. research the best toll-free phone company and other vendors
    Who can use Virtual Assistants?
    Industries or businesses that truly work well with VAs are:
    1. Speakers, Coaches
    2. Start-up or Small Businesses
    3. Real Estate Agents/Realtors
    4. Physicians
    5. Independent Professionals
    6. Executives
    7. Entertainment Industry
    8. Contractors
    9. Marketing Consultants
    10. Telecommuters
    11. Web Based Businesses
    12. Attorneys
    13. Consultant
    What is the difference between Virtual Assistants vs. Employee
    • No employee-related taxes, paperwork, insurance, or benefits.
    • No extra office space or equipment costs.
    • You only pay for "Time on Task" or by project.
    • The ability to stay on schedule.
    • Extra staff during seasonal or peak activity time.
    • Support on as needed basis, with fast turn around time.
    • Weekend and evening assistance available.
    Paying a VA
    Some VAs get a retainer each month for a specific number of hours. If the client goes over the retainer hours, they get billed an additional amount.

    What are your thoughts? Have you ever used one?
    Do you know anyone who has that I can email?
    img (source)

    November 22, 2009

    Can You Do This?

    ok so I purchased some organic green tea and as I was looking at a documentary about China I saw that they don't use tea bags. Apparently it is trashy to even use one. So anyway I saw how they actually brew the tea leaves and then serve. Every single person drinking tea had major leaves in their cup.

    So I feel guilty throwing away the tea bag and leaves. SO what I was thinking was to break the contents of the tea bag free and boil them in water. but then what do you do with the leaves? do you eat them? or throw them out? Would it cause intestinal issues? are they even edible?

    Anyone with any expertise or experience in this?

    this is the tea I bought. Delish

    November 21, 2009

    dang it. what do I do???

    My brother's girlfriend is trying to befriend me on facebook. what do I do? they are both non Muslims so they wouldn't understand my position anyway. What do I do??

    I don't want to encourage it but I don't want to alienate him either. What do I do?

    I ♥ My Muslims!!

    so yesterday (technically it is 12:40 AM and I just arrived home) I mentioned my hubs was taking me out to change my mood. So we ended up going to a fundraiser organized by 10 MSA (Muslim Student Associations) and Imam Siraj Wahaj was the guest speaker. I LOVED IT. A conference hall full of HUNDREDS of Muslims, young, old, tall and little people (aka children).

    The speech was awesome it was about change in America. That during the time of Martin Luther King he was considered a terrorist and the FBI had placed him and his organization on the terror watch. So he was basically saying that history repeats itself he sees how we are villanize (is that a word?) and that it will get worst before it starts getting better. He says that Muslims need to stay relevant. He gave an example of his Masjid Taqwa and how the area was rundown with crackhouses until the Muslims moved in and made an all out campaign to stamp out drugs. It worked and it worked because they were relevant to the community.

    He said to look around us the largest minority in America is the Latinos and they are entering Islam in droves then out of no where he gave a shout out to Latino Muslims and he asked us to raise our hands. There were about 10 Latino Muslims! One right in front of me!! yeah because I was staring at the one in front of me I missed the other hands. dang. but oh well.

    So as soon as the speech was done I ran over to her and introduced myself. She is Mexican and has been Muslim for 8 months. MashAllah!! We started talking for hours and she was thrilled to find a fellow latina. She told me that she was having difficulties and has a lot of hard days and was making dua to meet someone that would understand her. I guess its a convert thing that we get all super excited when we meet fellow converts and even more so when you find out you have a shared heritage. wOoT WoOt!

    I felt my Iman get a nice boost. I donated and hundreds of others donated as well, joint sadaqah can't beat it. It was awesome. I am gonna hang out with her next week inshaallah. Hubs was right I needed time away from my room and my computer. I am also hoping to change the battery in the car so I can start driving around and start taking my baby boy to places. JazakaAllah Khayr for your duas! oh and in unrelated news I lost 11lbs woOt! WoOt! I mentioned it on my other blog but wanted to share it here. too.

    November 20, 2009

    I may have screwed up

    I am in emotional pain because I am forcing myself to write about my past something I hadn't done before. Usually when the pain gets to be too much I run away and shut down. Well it is not working right now. I was able to function all these years because I kept myself ULTRA busy. I can't stop. I may not publish everything but I can't stop writing. I feel like I have held my pee and no amount of the pee pee dance is going to keep this in. SO CRAP. I may have screwed up. Today in the morning I broke down and my hubs was just hugging me trying to figure out who to punch. lol. My memories?

    so yeah. You are welcome to continue reading. It does get really bad though so am not sure if you guys can take it. JazakAllah khayr for the comments they make me feel better. I am about to go out with hubs and hopefully get a change of mood. I will write more tonight inshaallah. I need to get it out. My mom once told me to zip it because if you don't talk about IT, IT never happened. The longer you think about your memories the more time you miss out in the present. I feel that I am gonna get it out. I am gonna share it with whoever wants to read it and once it is out of my head I can start dealing with it. Allahu aalim.

    you asked

    Did your mother ever give you a reason, or an excuse for the way she treated you?
    sorta, at first she would say that I was a bad kid or that I brought it on myself. She never has taken responsibility for her actions. As far as she is concerned (at least outwardly as I don't know what goes on in her head or heart) she did nothing wrong and therefore doesn't see the need to apologize. Now she claims that it never happen and that she doesn't remember a thing or at least she will find a way to redirect the conversation.

    None of my abusers has ever apologized or recognize their actions.

    Have you ever confronted her?
    We had so many showdowns I don't remember if I ever did specifically about her treatment of me. I once did a social experiment (must have been elevenish) I would ask my mom for something (didn't matter what it was) and she would say "no, you don't deserve it, no we can't afford it, NO, (fill in the blank)." A couple of hours later and sometimes a day or two later I would send my brother to ask for the SAME thing and he would get it. I have theories of why she treated me the way she did.

    #1 she didn't want me from the get go and was forced to have me because my father wanted me and my grandfather would disown her. Never mind that she was married to my father.

    #2 I look a lot like my dad.

    #3 I am a reminder of her past she would rather forget.

    #4 am a girl.

    In her defense (since you are getting my side only) she had a messed up life. Her parents split up when she was 7. Her mom (my grandmother) suffered from black magic and went WAY out of character. During the war her mom tried to sell her to a soldier (supposedly, I am saying supposedly because this is what I heard from my mom and my grandmother hasn't said anything) so she took the first bus she could and went back to my grandfather . During the war she saw a lot of stuff. When she would be out looking for firewood to cook with or on her way to school she would clean the wounds of people that she would find in her way. Some of those soldiers then came back to marry her but she wanted nothing to do with the military. She saw her friends hung from trees sometimes whole families. She has seen horrors that no human being should see, my grandfather kept me away from all of that or at the very least those memories are BLOCKED out.

    when she was in high school (the war was still going on and before my dad) a battle broke out in the city and she was so shell shocked she walked around the town dazed until a nice couple (that she still keeps in touch with) grabbed her and took her in to their house. The army was looking for girls and they couldn't bare the thought of another child getting hurt. My grandfather was on his way back from his work and as the bus passed by the road he saw a circle of soldiers over one girl, she was wearing my mom's school uniform. He freaked out though it was my mom and tried to get off the moving bus. The passengers held him back telling him that the girl was done. Even if he were to stop them they would just shoot him. What about if it isn't her? you would have left your kid alone. He arrived in his farm went to get his gun and waited for my mother to come home. I overheard this story as my grandfather was telling it because he refuse to talk to me about the war. As far as I was concerned he wanted me to know nothing. My grandfather claims that he gave my mother 24hrs to arrive. If she didn't then that was his sign that it had been her at the roadside and he was going to shoot himself. ALHAMDULILLAH it wasn't her and she got home safely. I always wondered if my mom was ever abused or raped (high probability seeing that it was happening everywhere) and that is why she couldn't deal with me. She hadn't dealt with her own issues and my issues overwhelmed her. That is what I assume, I have no proof just suspicions and stories that other have told me.

    She always wanted to marry one dude and have children with that one dude. That hasn't worked out at all for various reasons mainly domestic abuse. She once told me she craved for love when she was young, she thought she would get it with a husband and finally she hoped to get it with her kids (that didn't happen). I told her it was only because of the way she treated us.

    She sabotages herself A LOT (I tend to do that as well). The few friends that ever met my mom LOVED her and wished she was their mom. WHAT THE HECK?? yup. My friends actually told me more than once that if it wasn't for the fact that they had seen my bruises and my broken bones they wouldn't believe that such a nice lady would do such things. My mom IS a very nice lady to EVERYONE but me. Don't know exactly why but that is how it was.

    My mom doesn't open up very much. Much of what I know about her has come to me via my grandfather, my stepfather, my uncles or her friends. She is an enigma to me.

    Has she ever said sorry?
    no. She doesn't think she did anything wrong.

    When you were little, did you ever daydream about a nicer future?
    yeah i did. The gargoyles (read this post) would come and rescue me. I was adopted by aliens in an exchange for superman. what else? since I used to walk a lot between work (moms factory) and school I used to day dream I was jackie chan and I was kicking butt. I started reading a lot so usually my day dreams included whatever I had read.

    How is your relationship with your mom now?
    GREAT. My mom and I talk to each other once a week sometimes more. I usually end our conversations with "te quiero" and she responds with silence or an "ok." One of these days I'll break her down, you'll see. My mom says that the day she and I started to have a relationship was the day I became Muslim. She said that it was the first time I ever took her opinion in to account. I have forgiven her. I don't hold grudges against her. However, I haven't dealt with the aftermath of my abuse and when I think about it I break down. I am not angry at her. I don't know how to explain it. I have separated the actions from the person. SO I do hate the actions but I don't hate my mother. Its complicated but I don't hold any resentment to her or any of my other abusers. I only reached that point with Islam though. I'll explain further.

    too much.

    I am too emotional right now so I will stop writing about the abuse in my childhood for the next couple of days. It has been healing but brutal at the same time. I will be writing at night because I have been crying my eyes out and my 1 year old is confused trying to comfort me. It is my issue and I rather be playing with him than him seeing me this way. He is such a cutie mashaallah. I am blessed and I need to do shukr. Jazakallah khayr for your duas. please keep making them for me.

    November 19, 2009

    AMERICA (warning GRAPHIC)

    Again if you can't read about domestic and child abuse please don't read further.


    I arrived in the USA 3 days before my 8th birthday in 1993. I was SHOCKED. In a couple of hours I had gone from living in a farm with my grandfather to living in a congested city in America, with a step father and 2 brothers. BAM! here is a family. Bam! here is your mother. Make nice.

    My mom showed me off to her friends and they fawned all over me. I heard stories about my mom being so distraught from having to leave me in El Salvador (she swears that if she had come by land via the border I may have died in the process, she ended up coming by plane) that she would borrow their daughters. NO LIE people. My mother missed me and on the weekends would have girls sleep over, she would comb their hair, make them delicious meals and take them to toys r us.

    Not too long after I arrived in the USA things started to change. I started to get a lot of responsibilities. First it was helping warm my (less than one year old) baby brother's bottle or to change my 3 years old brothers diaper/underwear whenever he had accidents. Soon I became their nanny. I was responsible for all things BROTHER related. Things continued to be piled on me slowly. My step father was great to me and I took a great liking to him. His father had been murdered in El Salvador by the paramilitary and my father had died of total kidney failure. We bonded. Weird and kinda sick in a way but thats how it went down. I say sick because he knew my dad personally and they had been rivals...hence my mom.

    I started to call him dad and I LOVED it when he was home. Because when he was I had virtually NO responsibilities and my moms harsh criticism was kept to a minimum. He was my hero. I don't know when things got violent but soon I was my mom's punching bag and lightning rod for curses and verbal abuse. I started crying a lot. I got so good you couldn't even hear it and you could be laying next to me. Whenever my stepfather would come home he would ask me how my day was and I felt important like I was human again. He also started intervening when my mother would hit me.

    To clarify

    I am not talking about spanking your child once or twice on the bottom with an open palm. I am talking about a straight up street/ghetto fight as if you are fighting your enemy. She broke bones and I was bruised most of the time. I was the only weird kid who would go to school with a turtleneck in the SUMMER because I was black and blue everywhere. I was also so skinny when I look at some of the pants I was wearing as a 7 year old, my arm doesn't fit in the legs. THAT SKINNY.

    Anyway. I would get beat for having friends, for wearing my sweater tied around my waist, for any perceived infraction. Real or not.
    When I came here in the summer I was actually midway through my 2nd grade in El Salvador (its weird like that). Once you arrive in the US they usually leave you a grade behind. That didn't happen with me. Instead of starting in 1st grade I was enrolled in 3rd grade. I was placed in a class of ONLY English and I hustled. Reason: dang kids were stealing my chocolate milk during the barter system. Just because I was a foreigner. *shakes fist*

    Shoot. I couldn't have that anymore so after going nearly a year as a mute and without my ENTITLED chocolate milk I started speaking English. Broken but still English. My mother started to attack my English and make fun of it. I stop talking at home. My stepfather would come home and he would help me with my homework and force me to practice my English with him. He was great. May Allah swt give him iman. ameen.

    God forbid a fellow classmate would see me in the streets with my mother and would either wave or *gasp* smile at me. The moment that would happen I would get slapped in the streets and a beat down when I got home. It got to the point that I would basically make friends and after the initial "hello" I would tell them "if you see me in the streets and I don't say hi or even look at you please don't take it personal. My moms around."

    In 4th grade we moved to another part of town because my step father (I am using stepfather so that I don't confuse you guys with my biological dad) bought a house. In our town if you move one block down or over you might be assigned to a different school, and I was. I had to make friends ALL over again, the routine of sending me to the nurses office because of strange behavior or turtlenecks in hot weather started again. Our 4th grade teacher Ms. Garabito would throw her shoes at us when we got something wrong. I am pretty sure she may have been kidding but I was petrified.

    My mom took away the few toys I had and I was told NOT to touch my brothers toys and NOT to touch the TV, NOT to touch the radio and basically not touch anything that didn't belong to me. Which was EVERYTHING. *sigh*

    I started menstruating when I was 11 years old. (I can't believe I can replay this memory and it is as live and rich as it would be on a HD flatscreen today). I was so scared that I was bleeding from my hoohaa (I read it on another blog and wanted to use it) that I ran to my mother and told her. She was exercising in the living room and she told me to go away she will deal with me later. I ran to my stepfather and told him I was dying and I didn't know what to do. He told me it was my period and it was totally natural. I started to calm down A LOT. He then went to their bedroom brought out one of my mom's underwear and maxi pad and demonstrated how to put the pad on the underwear. He then gave me a maxi pad and told me to go to the bathroom and do that.

    I must have come back and told him that it was WAY to large for me so he took another pad and just cut it in half with a scissor. LOL. So anyways from that point on I would cut my pads in half so that they wouldn't reach from my belly bottom to my midback. lol. My mom used to check my backpack a lot and one day found a cut maxi. She was furious and was ready to pound the life out of me screaming, "did I not teach you how to do it right!" I told her NO. My stepfather showed me. She didn't say anything else and I started to notice she started purchasing smaller pads for me. thank you mom.

    I must have been twelve when she ordered everyone NOT to celebrate my birthday and to not even acknowledge it. My brothers would whisper it to me when we were alone though and my stepfather would sneak in trinkets here and there. She also started making fun of my weight that I was fat (no I wasn't), that I was ugly (psha, you must be blind woman) and basically an all out attack on my self esteem. I honestly can't even begin to tell you how miraculous it is that I didn't develop an eating disorder or how I didn't get fat out of depression. can't even begin to rationalize that one. Alhamdulillah.

    During this time I had made a good friend at school whose bones were disappearing. I was scared that it would happen to me. (she had osteoporosis and didn't know how to explain it any better.) There was another girl in my new school who I had given my house # to and immediately regretted it. GOD I was so scared everytime the phone rang. One time I ran to the basement where the caller ID was kept and looked nervously if I recognize the #, thankfully she never called. HOWEVER, during this time my stepfather would know who called, at what time they called and what my mom even said in these conversations. My mom immediately blamed me. Saying that I was spying on her and telling my stepfather, no wonder you guys get along so well.

    Never mind that she would make me stand by the window waiting for my stepfather to come and when I saw him I had to run to tell her he was coming so she could hang up and pretend like she was doing something. I told her it didn't make sense. He knows about conversations that take place while I am in school. Do you think I have spidey senses and I can HEAR the phone from BLOCKS away? then run over hear take notes and go back to school? It didn't matter. She still beat me anyways.

    My mom was very creative with her punishments after beating me wasn't working. She beat me so bad that I had a high tolerance for pain. I wouldn't cry in front of her. Crying is for weak people and I wasn't weak. (that is what I would tell myself). I mean she would break things on me, bash me against walls, floors, doors and I wouldn't cry. Also DYFS (division of youth and family services) got involved with my family and they would do random searches of my body looking for welts or bruises. So she got creative.

    She would make me stand with my hands up in the air facing the corner of the basement while she would be in the other side playing nintendo with my brothers for 30 minutes. After a while your arms start hurting because of the blood draining down, your muscles are starved for oxygen. If she saw me lowering my arms my time would start all over. Once you put your arms down the blood rushes down and it hurts. My brothers were never punished.

    Another punishment was that she would force me to kneel on uncooked rice for 30 minutes or more for perceived infractions real or not. THAT HURTS! and it burns. It hurts so bad and when you shift hoping for relief it only hurts even more because it has become a tender area. I was a depressed child during this time. I never resented my brothers. They were my babies. I resented HER.

    At one point I was so depressed that I went to bed with a knife so I would kill myself. I would cry in bed (almost every night) and wait for everyone to go to bed. I swear as soon as I heard my mom was asleep I would reach for my knife and next thing I remember it was the next morning and I would return the knife back to the kitchen. Don't know how it happened but for months that was the routine. I take knife to bed >> I cry in bed >> bros fall asleep >> mom falls asleep >> reach for knife >> next morning.

    When I would wake up this was the feelings I had
    it was as if the skies were grey, there was no happiness in life, I saw no purpose in being alive and I couldn't 'see' in to the future. I just wanted to die. I would tell God "you don't love me. If you loved me you would take me out of this miserable life and I wouldn't wake up ever. But here I am alive. Proof that you don't love me"
    I would go to church by myself in El Salvador and in America. I was looking for God. Because I felt that God had forgotten me and I wanted to know why. Why was I going though this? Why am I alive? Why am I not loved? Why am I in pain? Why are you letting this happen to me? WHY ARE YOU NOT ANSWERING ME!

    The church elders would patronize me and send me to the children school below to color Jesus or Moses or some other prophet they were teaching the children about. So I left. I decided I could live my life without religion.

    Believe it or not my life actually got worst. My mother left my stepfather and with that I lost the only protector I had. She was now free to beat me and do what she liked. He still tried to intervene on my behalf but she would only beat me worst. He stopped trying to help me as it was making my situation worst. She attempted to beat my brothers too but they had a father and he had joint custody. He threatened her so she backed away from them and took it all out on me. This is why I feel that a child is an orphan the moment they loose their father. No one respects you when you don't have one. Not even your own mother.

    actually this is too much for me right now. If i feel better later I'll come back to it.

    November 18, 2009

    Talking to a sis

    Because I am exploring what happened to me my iman fluctuates up and down. I felt really down today so I turned to a fellow convert sister just to hang out. Just talking to her and airing my feelings made me feel A LOT better. She understood me and gave me advice without being judgmental. She also mentioned something that I think is invaluable. She says that she keeps as friends as many older converts as possible. People that have been Muslim for 15+ years as they give her insight about things that she may be going through but has no experience dealing with.

    I see the benefits in that. I have been Muslim for 3 years now and my friends have been Muslim for 8 and some for longer. I have benefited so much from them, May Allah swt reward them. Ameen.

    So I am in search of older converts now :) That's my goal for the next 6 months, to make friends with as many as possible.

    November 17, 2009

    7 Years Old

    When I turned 7 years old for reasons that I still don't know (maybe it was because I no longer needed treatment?) I returned to Mama Santos care. I LOVED IT! I must have been there for a week or so when we received a visitor that later turned out to be my biological grandfather. He felt that since he was in El Salvador now (had just left the USA after living here for 10 years) he should take care of me and not his brother or wife (Papa Cheyo and Mama Santos).

    I went over to his farm (across the street from Mama Santos) and was enrolled in school. My grandfather had more structure than Mama Santos although he hit me only once in the whole year I spent with him. The reason: I lied that a letter in my backpack wasn't mine when in reality it was. Some boy had slipped it in to my bag and I read it later but didn't discard it. I got two or three (hard) belt to the bottom or back can't remember. He explained to me that I was getting hit not because of the letter but because I lied. NEVER lied again.

    Anyway living with my grandfather was fun I had A LOT of responsibilities but they were fun. Like I was responsible for putting the baby chicks and the mama hen in to boxes and they would be taken inside our house. That way no stray dog, cat or coyote would eat them and they would be safe from the cold. It was so fun because I had to run around after cute chicks and their mother would chase me to leave them alone. Somehow I never injured any chicks although the same can't be said about me. *shakes fist at mama hen*
    Most of the chickens actually sleep in trees because chicken outhouses don't keep the predators out and it cost too much to build. So this is a good example.

    Once the baby chicks learned how to get up the trees (mama hen would teach them) I didn't need to chase them any more. Some of my other favorite activities was to wake up right before dawn and watch as my grandfather would tie the cow to a post and milk her. Reason I loved it was because the baby calf would be tied next to the mama and I could pet it as long as I wanted to.

    I didn't have any medical problems during this time and I had tons of fun. My grandfather had a maid to come clean and cook for us since I was so young and he wasn't married. She was a cool person until one day she asked me to gather up all the chicks because a storm was coming. I did the best I could but for some reason I couldn't find one. So she hit me with an open palm and I just started crying my eyes out. I don't know how my grandfather heard my scream but that man was in front of us in a flash. He had been in the field and was demanding to know why I had been hit and why she felt she had authority to do it. He fired her on the spot and didn't want to hear any excuses.

    She was so desperately poor that her family came to beg for her job back as she was the main provider in her family. My grandfather thought it over and asked me how I felt about it. I told him I didn't mind so he gave her the job back. She never mistreated or hit me again. Alhamdulillah.

    My grandfather taught me the time tables. He would jump out from the bushes and ask "whats 9 times 12?!" and I had just seconds to respond. My mind was so sharp then because it was constantly getting exercise. He was very proud of me and proud at how fast I could learn and how I could recall it whenever he asked. I never told him about what happened to me. I actually forgot during the year I spent living with him. May Allah swt bless him with iman. ameen.

    3 days before my 8th birthday I arrived in the USA. One of the last things I remember is me trying to pack this barbie doll I had received as a gift and my grandfather telling me that I wasn't coming to America to play, at least not with my mother. He was so right.

    November 16, 2009

    Istikhara Prayer for Guidance

    Click on the image to enlarge

    Duas for Anxiety, Sorrow, Distress and for Ease

    I wanted to share these duas (supplications) with you guys. These duas are courtesy of the NJIT and Rutgers Muslim Student Association. They have been re sized so just click on the image to make it larger. May you benefit greatly from them. ameen.

    November 15, 2009


    My whole life I went silent about my story. At one point the only people in the USA that knew what happened to me was my mom and I and no one else. I was ashamed and embarrassed about it. Today or at least yesterday I told who ever wants to read it via the web.

    The reality of that is both scary and comforting. I don't know why I am such a ball of nerves about it seeing that none of you know me personally (as in face to face) and can't associate it with my offline life but I still fret. Weirdo.

    DON'T LAUGH. I am also dealing with aunt flo. so my emotions could be all attributed to her. *shakes fist* I'll see how I feel about it a week from now.

    November 14, 2009

    My Childhood (graphic)

    I wrote about my father in a previous post (you can read it here). I have been re thinking my blog and there are things I want to get out that are hard for me. Since I don't know any of you personally (as in face to face) I feel more comfortable sharing. Except for the stalker that person creeps me out. I need to get it out though because recently I have been bombarded with story after story of abused and neglected children as well as my own memories and I have reached a boiling point of emotions. (I am already crying)

    Ok. SO brace yourself this is heavy stuff. I need to give a warning to those who have been in a similar situation like I was and it is difficult for them still to stomach what I am about to say. If you are one of those people you are included in my duas and things DO get better. So in the next couple of days I am exploring my past. I am not sure if it is healthy but bottling it up is not healthy and it has ramifications for my son. I DO NOT want what that jerk did to me to affect my boy. It would break me if his abuse affects my son. So I am going to grit my teeth and start exploring some of my suppress memories. You are invited.

    After I lost my father I was in a daze. I missed him so much because he spoiled me and I was daddy's little girl. To make up for the loss my mama Santos aka Mama flor (I wrote about her before as well in the above post about my dad) spoiled me even more. Up until this point I thought she was my REAL mother. I ate what I wanted when I wanted. I was reading by the age of 3 so they were very proud of me and loved to show me off to whoever would listen. I would eat chips and a soda for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Whatever I wanted. Soon I started getting real sick and I was sent to see a doctor. They diagnosed me with childhood leukemia which didn't mean anything to me. My Mama Santos was devastated and she came home crying, hugging me and apologizing the whole time back.

    This is when an angry call from the USA came and my biological mother demanded I be removed from Mama Santos care and placed in the care of Niña Julia. Side note: in El Salvador we used 'Niña' (little girl) as a title of respect for an elderly lady we use 'Don' for a man. They came in a pick up truck one day and I was told we were going somewhere and we would be back shortly I knew that they were lying because my Mama Flor was just bawling. She could not stop crying and I saw my clothes being put into bags and placed in to the pick up truck. I panicked. I cried and clung to my mama Santos. They took me anyways. The reason: I could get treatment in the capital that weren't available where I lived and the daily trip of nearly 3 hours by crowded bus meant it would debilitate me further. The soldiers were also pillaging and raping anyone they came across and it was known that they would stop buses to pick out the pretty girls.
    This bus is actually from Guatemala but nearly all the buses in Central America look the same
    This is what the inside looks like but more crowded.
    Once I arrived in their home everyone was fussing about me. They were so kind bringing me trinkets to calm me down as well as sweets. I was 3 years old after all. I hated it there, I was used to going out in to the fields and see the bunny rabbits hoping around and going to the stream and swim without problems. Even though I was the only girl I had a TON of boy cousins my age I could play with. Some of whom I no longer remember. :(

    I had all the mangos and fruits I could ever eat because it was a farm and there were trees EVERYWHERE. Here it was concrete shacks. The family I stayed with was better off than the other families because they had about 9 children (all of whom were either adults or in their mid teens) 2 of whom were in the USA and Canada. My mom sent me to them because they had helped her a lot when she was growing up and she trusted them. In short they were a close family friend and the Don Martin was close friends with my grandfather.

    I don't know when the abuse started because my memory is pretty hazy from that time. What I do remember CLEARLY is the sleeping arrangements. The wife and husband weren't sleeping together. You see the husband was known to be a womanizer and had slept with more women and paid to sleep with more women than anyone could remember. He was also known to be a pedophile of little girls. They were Catholic though and divorced was not permissible or an option. Instead they led separate lives and slept separately as well. So guess where I had to sleep? in HIS side of the room. You see those closets? those were very tall almost 6 feet tall and they were used to divide the room. My bed was the old coiled springs kind that when you sit it makes a lot of noise. She later claimed to my mom that she had NO idea I had been molested. BULL. She practically fed me to him. How could you not hear? She must have been 55 at the time and he 60 and did not have hearing problems. Out of sight out of mind I guess.

    I remember that once he started abusing me I lost track of time. I remember looking up at the sky and it was new year's eve and everyone was throwing fire crackers (tradition of ours). I then remember the next night looking up at the big beautiful dark sky and it being new years again and me being shocked that a whole year had passed. I mean a WHOLE year. How could I go through 365 days without any memory of it? SubhanaAllah.

    I wish I could show some of you my childhood pictures so you could see the drastic change but I don't want a face associated with my story plus my hubs would freak out. I was a very outgoing child and not to toot my own horn or nothing but I was a very beautiful child. (toot toot?) During the time I lived with my Mama Santos and my dad I was smiling in every picture. Some of the pictures would only have like my hair, a foot or an arm because I was in the process of trying to get in to the pictures. I was happy and I had a very high self esteem and sense of self.

    Once the abused started I am not smiling in any pictures and there are fewer pictures of me. There was a complete change in character. Instead of playing with the kids I would be hiding in corners. Any one could have seen the drastic change and yet no one did anything to help me. I looked and behaved like a shell of a child.

    I started to steal money from all the members of the family NOT to be mean or anything but because I WANTED to get caught. As punishment they would make me sleep outside in the courtyard's hammock. I loved it because he couldn't touch me. I would go to stores and buy stuff and hand them out as I was walking home.

    It got so bad that I was in the second door (the one used for garbage) and I was telling his granddaughter that I was going to escape. She asked me where are you gonna go? and I told her to my grandmothers house. I had no idea how to get there plus we were at war. The stories of what the soldiers were doing to the women and girls were everywhere. I knew what would happen to me if I got caught but I felt I could make it. Someone overheard the conversation and called me in to ridicule me. They then called my mom to let her know what an ungrateful little girl I was.

    They did everything to discredit me and by 'they' I mean Niña Julia. She told my mom that I was a liar, a thief (this was BEFORE I started stealing), an ungrateful child and that I should not be believed. When I finally reached out to the voice in the phone aka my biological mom and told her that he was hurting me, she didn't believe me. What a way to start a relationship, I hadn't even met her yet and we already had trust issues.

    I spent 3 years with them. During those years I remember a couple of incidents. Sunday was market day. The women get their baskets like the one below and head out to the farmers market and start buying produce for the whole week. Sunday is also the day where we make large amounts of soup so that they can be eaten during the day and later on in the week.
    Almost all women have a bag made out of strong plastic like the one this lady is wearing
    I remember Niña Julia going out to do her shopping and me realizing that I was the only one left in the house with him. I quickly grabbed on to her skirt and started pleading NO. BEGGING, for her to take me with her. She said NO and slammed the door on me. Do you know that is the last thing I remember? subhanaallah. Him sitting on the couch, my dread, my fear and the darkness once the door was slammed shut. I know it sounds dramatic but it really was. You see since electricity is expensive (plus a luxury) it is turned on ONLY at night. During the day the light coming in is via the open doors or the windows. Since the living room was sandwiched on both sides by neighbors there were no windows so the only light coming in was via that door.

    Alhamdulillah I don't remember what he did to me that day. My memory only goes as far as that. Another incident I remember was one night around 1 or 2 in the morning and there being raucous in the streets. Everyone in my house came out with lanterns and there was wailing everywhere. We all assumed the soldiers had arrived and they were pillaging.

    He came to my bed and took me out of it and placed me in hers. I remember him asking me questions about what he was doing. I DO have recollection of what happened that night but I don't know when it ended. I think the reason it stuck in my mind so much was because in the morning I found out what the commotion had been about. There was a teenager two houses up from us (we were on an incline) who had dropped (on purpose) her newborn from the second floor. The child sadly didn't survive or maybe happily didn't survive? I mean the damage would have been so great the child might have been in soo much pain.

    The whole town suspected who the father was, Don Martin. I don't know the fate of the girl I just know that he was somehow involved in it. I felt sorry for her and I ached for the baby who had died.

    During this time another abuser attempted to molest me too, his teenage son Toñito. He took me to my room and then tried to get me to touch his nether regions. I refused and he forced my hand in. He then asked me how it smelled and I said HORRIBLE. You are nasty! That was the first and last time he ever touched me. He would also torture me when I was sick by wrapping me tightly in bedsheets leaving just my head. He would then leave me in this cot for sick people and turn the tv on to unsolved mysteries in the DARK. I must have been four or five. I was so terrified of that show and I ACTUALLY remember the show. The scene that is engraved in my mind is that of a corpse covered with a white sheet behind a tree inside this huge forests.

    First Niña Julia claimed that NOTHING had happened. That I was some crazy girl who made up stories to feel important. It wasn't until I was 12 years old that my mom believed me because don martin had also molested his youngest granddaughter at the time she was 4 years old. I mean if he did it to his own family what would stop him from doing it to me? a kid that had no blood ties with him? NOW when that little tidbit was out Niña Julia changed her story and claimed she didn't know ANYTHING had happened. She said that there was NO way of her knowing. Thats bull. Total BULL. My mom was sending so much money to them during this time that everything was done for me. Niña Julia would wash my clothes and slowly she started making me wash my underwear. She would still wash the rest of my clothes though. I remember going through my underwear and sorting out pubic hair. eww and GROSS. I think she was doing that and didn't want to see it. Out of sigh, out of mind. You can see the sleeping arrangements there is no way NOTHING is going to happen when a pedophile is sleeping with a young girl

    My other memories are broken ones that started to make sense nearly 15+ years later and they are slowly emerging and freaking me out. I didn't realize the extent of my abuse until I was in my first year of college. I had this memory of my childhood where I am in this huge concrete sink and someone is washing my lower half. I remember that it HURT and it stung so bad. I also remember asking the person washing me (it was odd as I would shower alone) why does it hurt. They responded: because you used too much soap. So all throughout my childhood up until I was 18 years old I have been using soap sparingly as to not cause that same amount of pain.

    As I was showering in the communal bathroom dorms of my college I got that memory as I was washing my nether regions and I was overwhelmed with more memories and I collapsed. I must have spent HOURS in that shower just sitting and playing that memory in a loop. while the shower was still on. I believed all this time that he had just groped me but no he had raped me. I don't know for how long he raped me but I do know he had access to me every day and night. I also know that he did go to my bed every night. Another odd thing about my childhood was that during the time I lived with them I had MAJOR vaginal infections. Like the type of infections promiscuous adult women tend to suffer from.

    It seemed that if I wasn't going to the doctor for my chemo I was going for strange vaginal secretions that warranted medication. All these infections miraculous stopped once I moved back to my Mama Santos house. I still was having chemo but no infections. Interesting.

    Now that I am older and more mature my memories seem to be 'unlocking' and I learn a little more about what happened to me. The memories are terrifying and I am slowly overcoming them. I have so much more to get out but I am going to stop here as I feel emotional exhausted.

    dang it

    Supernanny is my free shrink (this is my previous post about it.) SubhanaAllah I am SOOO screwed up! I am slowly learning now about the pitfalls of parenting and parenting when you yourself have issues. It was a scary insight about how we think we are helping our children by spoiling our children without proper discipline. You can't be too hard or too easy.

    May Allah swt guide me and all the parents all over the world to be able to raise our children and give them the love they need and help them find themselves and be productive members of society. AMEEN.

    November 13, 2009

    What Hijabi Fashion Blogs do you know? (spread the word!)

    Calling all

    Hijabi Fashion Bloggers

    I am starting a new project and instead of going at it alone method I always use I wanted to bring other people in. This project is similar to the Independent Fashion Bloggers.

    My Goals,

    1. To improve the way we promote Hijab fashion (no need to ridicule anyone or humiliate to prove a point).
    2. Strengthen Islamic sisterhood

    3. Establish a professional image
    4. A community of hijabi fashion bloggers were we can share our experiences and resources.

    5. Provide traffic to each of our sites.
    6. to help each other monetize on our blogs
    7. organize ourselves so that we can actually have an effect on fashion, we do purchase as a group millions of dollars of fashion and fashion related items
    8. to spread the word of Muslim designers, events and products.

    9. just maybe have a convention where we could ACTUALLY meet fellow bloggers
    10. more once I have a core group...

    What are the requirements?

    1. Have a blog EXCLUSIVELY about hijab fashion.
    2. Be Muslim. (at the moment YES that is a requirement or how else could we have a discussion about proper hijab?)
    3. Original content

    4. Clean appearance. NO garish colors or images please. We can work on this with you.
    If you are interested you can email me at HijabMaster at gmail dot com

    and include

    1. your name
    2. the url to your blog
    3. a little bio
    4. What skill or resources do you bring to the group?