December 8, 2009

Raising Daughters and Guns

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Peace be with you السلام عليكم


“To Allah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren who He wills. Verily, He is the All-Knower and is Able to do all things.” (Ash-Shura 42:49-50)
I actually got excited about the following ahadith.

“Whoever takes care of two girls until they reach adulthood - he and I will come (together) on the Day of Resurrection - and he interlaced his fingers (meaning in Paradise).” (Reported by Muslim)

“Whoever has three daughters or sisters, or two daughters or two sisters, and lives along with them in a good manner, and has patience with them, and fears Allah with regard to them will enter Paradise.” (Reported by Abu Dawud, Al-Tirmidhee and others)


Reason I mention this is because of cultural practices both in the Muslim and Non Muslim world that prefer males over females. I find it hard to give the Muslims excuses (although I should) because they should know better and its not that I let the Non Muslims off the hook but they are lost.

This past Saturday there was a get together at a friend's house for families with the occasionally newly weds. As the night progressed and someone asked a personal question about raising daughters the topic of families preferring one gender over another came up. The mothers all seemed ok and happy with the children they were blessed with although some expressed an affinity for girls because they could dress them in cuter outfits. NOT THAT DEEP but in their defense the ones who made those comments had only boys.

Anyway my friend (the sister who introduced hubs and I) mentioned that when she taught at the local Islamic high school she dealt with a lot of girls completely ignorant about what it means to be a woman and specifically a woman in Islam. She told of a story of one girl who came up to her because for nearly 2 years she was bleeding and she didn't know why so she assumed she must have done something horrible and this was her punishment. She would pray and plead to Allah swt to forgive her for whatever it was she had done. My friend at first thought that the girl might be pulling her leg but than she came to find out that this girl didn't know what menstruation was.

Apparently her parents had signed her out of sex ed classes and she was clueless. I was upset about the whole thing because if you are going to remove a child from sex ed, you better take the responsibility of teaching that child. I feel that if you don't teach girls about what it means to be a girl biologically like what happens when you hit puberty, where do babies come from and why they should NOT be dating. If you don't then I feel that the girls growth has been stunted. Another thing that bothered me about it is that knowing about menstruation is CRITICAL as it applies to our ibadah. If the girl doesn't know the basics how is she supposed to know that she is excused from prayer? or what are the signs that she can go back to prayer? What about fasting during Ramadan?

I find this unacceptable. Another teenager had no clue that babies come out through the birth canal, the girl nearly fainted when it was explained! She believed babies come out through the belly bottom or else why would it be there? Another newly wed age 19 had NO idea about the intimacy aspect of marriage! poor girl. My friend is still working on that one as it was very traumatic for her. Obviously these are EXTREME cases but it made me realize that as whole MOST parents (Muslim and Non Muslims alike) don't talk to their daughters (or sons) about their bodies and sex within the confines of religion.

I am beating on the Muslims at the moment because we have guidance and CLEAR rules about sex within the confines of Islam and outside of it. Hijab is actually tied down to this subject because hijab is more than just a scarf wrapped neatly around our heads or sunnah pants, thobes and kufis for brothers. Hijab embodies more than that and lowering our gaze is commanded on ALL of us.

To think that our children because they are Muslim wont be tempted to date is ridiculous. I have seen both genders get corrupted and seen their parents stand by helpless. I think their rearing begins before they are even conceived by reciting the following du'a before intercourse.

Bismillâhi allâhumma jannibnash-shaytana wa jannibi shaytâna ma razaqtana.

In the name of Allah. O Allah, protect us both from (he mischief of Satan and keep Satan away from the children You grant us.(Bukhari)

I was taught to add the following just for extra measures

Naudhu billahi minashatany rajiim wa min hamazati shayatin wa an yahdurun.

(O Allah, I seek refuge in You from the whisperings of the accursed Satan; my Lord, I seek refuge in You from their presence around me).

You do that and keep making du'a for your progeny and TEACH your progeny inshaAllah it will all be ok. I think as parents we are supposed to give them the information and tools for them to understand their world and discipline them when we have the chance. One they are out of our homes we can do very little and by then its almost too late. TO BE CONTINUED...


how many of you have daughters? Do you have a 'game plan' on how you would like to raise your daughter?


CareMuslimah said...

heyzzz.! :)

Well that is horribly sad and awful. I mean yeah, those are extreme cases, but it's still awful that it happens! My mom (non muslim) told me that when she got her period she thought she was going to die, I mean she didn't know what a menstruation was, and in her defense if I didn't know what a menstruation is and I started bleeding for days for absolutely no reason I'd be sure I'm dying too U_U'

I don't have daughters, I'm not married yet. But I want to be the kind of mother that talks to her kids about everything, specially things like sex or drugs. Because if I don't talk to them someone else will, and that someone could take advantage of them

Ma Vie & Etc said...

I'm actually stunned about how these girls had no idea about femminity. It's the parents DUTY to teach their child about sexual education, because they will either learn from school, the media, in relationships or like those girls, completely clueless about these kind of things. I still remember having a sex talk with both of my parent, as embarassing as it was, I'm glad my parents did educate me. My mum has alway reminded me that I can come to her to talk about anything of that sort.

Btw, mega LOL at the pic.

:) <3

AlabasterMuslim said...

I can't believe it when i hear a story about someone not knowing about periods or sex. The girls almost always think they are dying. Usually, girls find out about sex between 9-13 or younger, which gives them years to accept the idea and slowly become confident in their sexuality. If they don't know about sex that is not possible, and it can really take a toll on the relationship with their husbands- not fair to either of them. argh.
When i have children inshallah i will definitely be allowing them to attend the sex ed classes and they will know about everything from before that probably.

NtN said...

I learned about sex when I was about, mm, 4, at the dinner table. It happens with medical families, I guess. Obviously I don't plan to teach my kids, males or females, that early, but there will be a "majesty of the human body" talk covering different aspects of anatomy and physiology from time to time. When the time comes for girls to get married, I'll give them the book, "Blessed Marriage" and go over the hadith about sexual rights with them inshaAllah.

I know a woman who was sorely uneducated about this...She screamed on her wedding night. That kind of trauma is unacceptable.

.::Tuttie::. said...

@Noor. TOTALLY AGREE! Now imagine what kinda of relationship that poor woman has with her husband. Its not like men get the talk either so they are both kinda in the dark about it. COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.

Jannah said...

Assalamu alaikom sis,

I just can't wrap my mind around a girl not knowing where babies come out or what their period is. That is crazy.

Some may not agree but my mother taught me this very EARLY. I mean early. It would irk some parents when I would open my mouth to their children but my mother never lied about this.

My said it kind of happened by accident. She forgot to lock the bathroom door and at the great age of 3 I just walked in and saw her taking her pad off her panties. When I inquired, she told me all about it. Where the blood came from, why she was bleeding and what purpose it served. When I inquired about babies, she kind of beat around the bush but she told me that when a man & a woman love each other then his love flows over into her and therefore creates a baby. Well how does the baby come out of your belly, she replied through your vagina.

Of course it freaked moms friends out that I knew about this stuff very early. As they were telling their children that babies come from storks and stuff. And then when I opened my big mouth and told their kids the blunt truth, I was seen as a dirty little girl. They overlooked the fact that they were liars to their kids and I was just telling the truth after all. But I was considered the bad kid. Mom didn't find any benefit in lying or trying to so call "cover up" or hide this issues when addressed.

I am glad she didn't lie to me about these things. She did shelter me which kept me clean from things but she didn't hide the truth.

Jannah said...

Oh and by the time I turned 7 or 8, I knew exactly what sex was.. no if ands or buts. It was explained to me what it was, why it was done and that it was only meant for married couples. And inshallah, I will let my children know exactly what is what at an early age. Of course if they inquire before the age of 8 on how a baby is made then I might come up with the same story mom told, about the love pouring over into her but after 8 I will just tell them how it is done if it is brought up into a conversation.

It really doesn't tramuatize a child to know the truth about these things. Some think it takes away from their innocence but I don't think it does. I mean I was 3 when I found out these things. Mom said she told me and then xalaas, it didn't cross my mind unless some kid brought it up that a stork brought their baby sister in a sack. lol. but any other time I was still being a regular toddler/kid and playing like all the other kids do.