December 3, 2009

More Memories (GRAPHIC) and out of chronological order

In the name of Allah, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Peace be with you

Again if you can't read about domestic and child abuse please don't read further.
Some of the memories that hurt me a lot are the later ones that include my mom. I don't know why she was so vicious with me or what she got out of hurting me. One time and this is disgusting, somebody (I won't name who) had a problem going to the bathroom. It wasn't that the kid wasn't potty trained, mine you but rather this kid would play the video games instead of going to the bathroom to 'save time'. So this kid was always walking around with either urine or poop smells.

Anyway to teach this person a lesson my mother would make ME wash the dirty underwear. I told her, "if he has to clean up his own smelly mess he will stop doing this." She didn't care. One time she grabbed the nasty underwear and tried to ram it down my throat. What she ended up doing instead was smearing it all over my face. *shutters*

It was so disgusting. ugh. So nasty. I can't even begin to explain what that did to me. I still don't understand what the lesson in that was OR why she felt it was necessary to do. so I mean it didn't teach the person that needed the lesson anything it just humiliated me.

Another time I was cooking pancakes for everyone (I had become the cook for the whole family) and I spilled some flour (you know when you start whisking) and since I was done cooking I cleaned the counter and let the garbage fall on the ground. I didn't think it was a big deal at all since I was the one responsible for cleaning up anyway and that was my next step. My mom decided to make an example out of me (must have been younger than 10 yrs old) and made me lick the flour off the ground in order to 'teach me a lesson'. To this day I don't know what the lesson was and yes I did clean it up with my tongue, all of it, I was terrified of her.

I was always dress raggedy because I never asked for clothes or any other essential I just let her do what she wanted and I dressed accordingly. My brothers on the other hand had very nice clothes and since I was responsible for taking care of them I made sure to dress them as best as I could. They were my babies. I would take them to school and my brother (who now is 20 years old!! where has the time gone? oh my baby is grown up *tears) was my prodigy. Any thing I learned I would teach it to him and he was SO intelligent mashaAllah. When he entered kindergarten he already knew his time tables until 12, he could add, subtract, divide, he knew his abcs and he could read at the level of a 5th grader. It was a proud moment for me when others acknowledged my work. :)

My mother tried to put my first brother (I am the oldest) against me (I was an academic star) and tried to make him feel bad that he couldn't catch up with me. I took him to the side and told him to not pay attention to that since I was 4 plus years older than him and therefore the competition was worthless and his self esteem was not tied down in any way shape or form with anyone other than him. Alhamdulillah he got it and never felt the need to compete with me and he was (and is) a very confident and intelligent boy. mashAllah. My 2nd brother (the youngest) never got the message. He was always competing with my 2nd brother and his self esteem suffered. Since he couldn't "beat" my 2nd brother he stopped doing his school work all together and failed a lot of his classes. He was (and is) a very smart and intelligent child. I felt his failure was totally unwarranted and he now understands that. Alhamdulillah. He is still sorta of a loner though and I feel that one of 'my children' is still hurting but I don't know how to help him.

She started to grab at my stomach area and would call me fat and ugly. I didn't believe the fat part because I was a relatively slender child but I did believe her with the ugly. I didn't shed that baggage until MUCH later.


AlabasterMuslim said...

I can't imagine having someone do that to me! (the shit-in-the-face thing). If i was young like you, i would have just cried. If i was about two years older i probably would have flipped out.
Its crazy how you explained your youngest brother... exactly like mine. He's still a loner and follows my other brother, which is sad since he is the oldest one of us all.

Ma Vie & Etc said...

I just want to say thank you if I haven't said it before, because you are truly helping others like me who are trying to deal with the past. So again, thank you.

Anonymous said...

Sister, MashAllah you're are inspiring. If someone did that to me I would be broken for eternity. My Allah SWT bless you. You are such a strong woman...a strong Muslimah.

.::Tuttie::. said...

@ Ma Vie. we will survive it takes time but we survive.