November 20, 2009

you asked

Did your mother ever give you a reason, or an excuse for the way she treated you?
sorta, at first she would say that I was a bad kid or that I brought it on myself. She never has taken responsibility for her actions. As far as she is concerned (at least outwardly as I don't know what goes on in her head or heart) she did nothing wrong and therefore doesn't see the need to apologize. Now she claims that it never happen and that she doesn't remember a thing or at least she will find a way to redirect the conversation.

None of my abusers has ever apologized or recognize their actions.

Have you ever confronted her?
We had so many showdowns I don't remember if I ever did specifically about her treatment of me. I once did a social experiment (must have been elevenish) I would ask my mom for something (didn't matter what it was) and she would say "no, you don't deserve it, no we can't afford it, NO, (fill in the blank)." A couple of hours later and sometimes a day or two later I would send my brother to ask for the SAME thing and he would get it. I have theories of why she treated me the way she did.

#1 she didn't want me from the get go and was forced to have me because my father wanted me and my grandfather would disown her. Never mind that she was married to my father.

#2 I look a lot like my dad.

#3 I am a reminder of her past she would rather forget.

#4 am a girl.

In her defense (since you are getting my side only) she had a messed up life. Her parents split up when she was 7. Her mom (my grandmother) suffered from black magic and went WAY out of character. During the war her mom tried to sell her to a soldier (supposedly, I am saying supposedly because this is what I heard from my mom and my grandmother hasn't said anything) so she took the first bus she could and went back to my grandfather . During the war she saw a lot of stuff. When she would be out looking for firewood to cook with or on her way to school she would clean the wounds of people that she would find in her way. Some of those soldiers then came back to marry her but she wanted nothing to do with the military. She saw her friends hung from trees sometimes whole families. She has seen horrors that no human being should see, my grandfather kept me away from all of that or at the very least those memories are BLOCKED out.

when she was in high school (the war was still going on and before my dad) a battle broke out in the city and she was so shell shocked she walked around the town dazed until a nice couple (that she still keeps in touch with) grabbed her and took her in to their house. The army was looking for girls and they couldn't bare the thought of another child getting hurt. My grandfather was on his way back from his work and as the bus passed by the road he saw a circle of soldiers over one girl, she was wearing my mom's school uniform. He freaked out though it was my mom and tried to get off the moving bus. The passengers held him back telling him that the girl was done. Even if he were to stop them they would just shoot him. What about if it isn't her? you would have left your kid alone. He arrived in his farm went to get his gun and waited for my mother to come home. I overheard this story as my grandfather was telling it because he refuse to talk to me about the war. As far as I was concerned he wanted me to know nothing. My grandfather claims that he gave my mother 24hrs to arrive. If she didn't then that was his sign that it had been her at the roadside and he was going to shoot himself. ALHAMDULILLAH it wasn't her and she got home safely. I always wondered if my mom was ever abused or raped (high probability seeing that it was happening everywhere) and that is why she couldn't deal with me. She hadn't dealt with her own issues and my issues overwhelmed her. That is what I assume, I have no proof just suspicions and stories that other have told me.

She always wanted to marry one dude and have children with that one dude. That hasn't worked out at all for various reasons mainly domestic abuse. She once told me she craved for love when she was young, she thought she would get it with a husband and finally she hoped to get it with her kids (that didn't happen). I told her it was only because of the way she treated us.

She sabotages herself A LOT (I tend to do that as well). The few friends that ever met my mom LOVED her and wished she was their mom. WHAT THE HECK?? yup. My friends actually told me more than once that if it wasn't for the fact that they had seen my bruises and my broken bones they wouldn't believe that such a nice lady would do such things. My mom IS a very nice lady to EVERYONE but me. Don't know exactly why but that is how it was.

My mom doesn't open up very much. Much of what I know about her has come to me via my grandfather, my stepfather, my uncles or her friends. She is an enigma to me.

Has she ever said sorry?
no. She doesn't think she did anything wrong.

When you were little, did you ever daydream about a nicer future?
yeah i did. The gargoyles (read this post) would come and rescue me. I was adopted by aliens in an exchange for superman. what else? since I used to walk a lot between work (moms factory) and school I used to day dream I was jackie chan and I was kicking butt. I started reading a lot so usually my day dreams included whatever I had read.

How is your relationship with your mom now?
GREAT. My mom and I talk to each other once a week sometimes more. I usually end our conversations with "te quiero" and she responds with silence or an "ok." One of these days I'll break her down, you'll see. My mom says that the day she and I started to have a relationship was the day I became Muslim. She said that it was the first time I ever took her opinion in to account. I have forgiven her. I don't hold grudges against her. However, I haven't dealt with the aftermath of my abuse and when I think about it I break down. I am not angry at her. I don't know how to explain it. I have separated the actions from the person. SO I do hate the actions but I don't hate my mother. Its complicated but I don't hold any resentment to her or any of my other abusers. I only reached that point with Islam though. I'll explain further.


.::Tuttie::. said...

see how war warps life? I wonder if my life and my moms life would be different if the civil war had never happened.

KakChik said...

MashaAllah this is making me teary eyed. What a n experience sis! To go through such a treatment is too overwhelming for me. You story have a similarity to one of my close friend's story, she was also abused (mentally) by her mom and recently she is going through a crisis in her marriage because of an abusive husband. I'm sorry it was hard for you sis. Alhamdulillah you've become a strong person now (my opinion after reading your blog). May Allah help you to overcome your burden and I hope Allah will open up your mom's heart to Islam too.

AlabasterMuslim said...

The stories you told about the war were hella scary. SOO creepy! I have this image of the soldiers over the poor girls body that i just cannot get out of my head...
Maybe that is why your mom treated yout he way she did...but thats still not excuse...i think its great you have forgiven her though, subhanallah its amazing that you can!

and thanks for answering my questions.

Hijabee said...

SubhanaAllah! You & your family went through so much. Though she never said she was sorry, I'm sure that somewhere in her heart your mum feels very bad about what she did. Perhaps she was herself victim of her circumstances, perhaps not. She might not tell you but she probably does think about it when she's alone. Maybe you should write her a letter, the same way you're writing about the abuse on your blog, maybe write a letter and express your feelings the same way and tell the stories as you remember them, maybe then she will give you answers, who knows?....

lenaa. said...

omg i love that your relationship with your mother is great and especially how you finish conversations with te quiero..subhanallah you are such a strong person despite what has happened....war is a terrible thing but you cant always be thinking oh what if things turned out differently, we should just play life with the hand we're dealt (not saying we should gamble or anything lol)