September 1, 2009

I am having issues

I just spent almost 2 hours with my FIL and May Allah swt grant him jannatul firdous. ameen. I am having issues at the moment and he comes out of nowhere with just the right words to get me focused again. My memories as a child are coming back and I am having a difficult time dealing with them.

I just want to roll up in to a ball and cry it out but I can't as my little dude needs me and my husband is away again. My little dude (10 months old) is also having some problems as well. Last Friday I accepted an iftar invitation (from a family member of his). My husband had him while I ate and little man fall asleep and my husband put him in an empty, dark bedroom with the door closed. Well ,there were so many people that my husband didn't realize that my baby boy had woken up and was screaming his lungs out because he didn't recognize the place and because he was scared. One of his family members found him screaming and brought him to me. It took a while to calm him down as he kept shaking and I thought it was over but I was wrong.

He is VERY clingy all of a sudden, he is having separation anxiety even when I am leaving him with the people he loves like my FIL, MIL and SIL. It's not that I am leaving the house, I am in the bathroom or somewhere else he freaks out when I am out of his line of sight. He is also jumpy and every little noise frightens him. I don't know what happened to him and I don't know for how long he was crying for. I am angry with my husband for leaving him alone but I understand why it took such a long time to get back to him. Hubster says he was checking on him every 5-10 minutes.

I want to cry so badly to unleash some of my pent up emotions but I can't . If I cry like I want to my little guy reflects my turmoil and it just heightens his anxiety. I need to go to the bathroom and take a long shower when my MIL takes care of him because I need to unleash. I have some dark memories I want to unload but they are so graphic I am going to do it on my private blog as I am not sure anymore if it is even beneficial for people to read it or if I am ready to let them out yet.

Make duah for me. This Ramadan I am discovering more of myself that I had blocked as a child and it is becoming difficult for me.


.::Tuttie::. said...

I wasn't even thinking that :*( I was talking about him waking up feeling scared and possibly abandoned in a place he didn't recognize and no one came to his rescue immediately. :(

AlabasterMuslim said...

OMG! I'm so sorry i thought thats what you meant because you were talking about..ok because you said you were having 'issues' and i didn't check your blogs untill you had written your second blog- which i read i already knew what you meant by 'issues'...did you understand anything i just said? well don't get scared ok just be aware. SORRY :(

Thurieyyah said...

Hey Tuttie - I've been reading your blog but havent commented. About the anxiety thing regarding your son dont worry its normal my 11 mnth daughter is the same - she'll play with her brother and my hubby or anyone for that matter for all of five minutes and then when she sees Im not in her sight - she'll come looking for me or start crying... its a phase tht they're going through for him crying and waking up alone - probably made it worse now... Shame man I knw how u must have felt - as a mother we always tryand be one step ahead of our kids.. I also wanted to ask if I could read your other blog. I salute you for being the strong person you are - you talking about what happened and you're dealing without - as far as I can see you've broken the circle!!! May Allah walk beside you every day of your life and for those times when things are at its darkest may be carry you!!!