July 25, 2009

Tutties Guide to Bagging a Man

  1. Go to the masjid @ jumuah and pick a brother and find out more about him.
That idea was quickly scrapped because I met a brother in my college who told me this piece of religious knowledge "What? You pray 5x a day? You don't need to pray five times a day. You just need to go to jumuah" Sadly, he was not a convert. SO in fear of ending up with a brother with that philosophy I decided to go on more exclusive times.

It has been said that the hardest prayers for the hypocrites are Fajr and Isha. So armed with this piece of Islamic info I suggest you follow the next plan.


For plan B you will need a bat, preferably a wooden one as aluminum causes unnecessary damage. AllahuaAlem. A couple of witnesses, some friends and your self esteem. Yes, be picky.
  1. Go to the masjid @ fajr and isha time and observe who comes in and out consistently
  2. Pick a brother
  3. Whack him upside the head enough to debilitate him but not enough to kill him or decapitate him....as hijab and orange jumpsuit aren't pretty plus remember, we don't want to be big Berthas bunk buddy. The objective is bagging a man not a woman.
  4. Drag him back inside the masjid
  5. Ask the sheikh to perform the nikah
  6. and voila you are a married woman
I thought about possible complications and here they are..
  1. You MUST be aware of who the imam is or else who's going to marry you?
  2. I repeat DO NOT whack the imam (unless you have a replacement and your aiming for him)
  3. Bring your own witnesses.
  4. When you whack him...it is not the most appropriate time to work out your men or daddy issues. Please save that for the therapist or social worker.
  5. If you don't want any baby mama drama it might be a wise thing to take a sister from the community so she could tell you that brother on the right...he has 14 children with wife #1, 3 with wife#2 and 47 with wife#3. So I guess he has an opening?
  6. Bring someone who knows the dirt on the community so she can answer your questions o brother Bilal with the bushy beard yea he is married to the hijabi with the no neck and broad shoulders...yup I heard she eats babies. ok. what about third brother on the left with the limp? yeah about him...he has gonorrhea. WHAT?! yeah jerk didn't tell me.
  1. Walk up to a random man of your choice and be like hunny where've you been? DO NOT MAKE ME WAIT THAT LONG AGAIN! sheesh and storm off in the direction of his car. Men have short term memories and dislike questioning a clearly pmsing woman. He will be confused and you can suggest you renew your vows. End result...you are a married woman and if you play your cards right you might even guilt him into buying diamonds, I mean who forgets they are married? A man who has to buy diamonds.

fun piece aint it?


Anonymous said...

hahahahahah actually i applied plan b well im not going to fajr prayer. but to isha prayer and so on i noticed someone lollllllll i dont know his name. and i dont know any1 who can help me with it. and once we crossed our ways in front of the masjid, immediately he saw me, he lowered his gaze like literally. lolllllllllllll d0 you have ideas. and he always sists in the front and i sit in way back so no way he sees me

Anonymous said...

what do you mean? how can i do that if he doesnt notice me

Sarah said...

lol hilarious

Anonymous said...

Plan D Find three other single sisters and form a hunting cooperative. Find desirable target for all members. Offer subject suitable incentives (times four). Hold breath whilst subject undergoes sudden change of faith to Islam! (and other training as needed).
Ensure subject is fully trained to be led/guided around by the "handle" god provides for married sisters to use.
Get married!

Kiddy said...

Man,Muslim women can really teach some "so called" Spirit filled women how to bag Spirit filled loaded and powerful Christian husbands or heathen loaded sugar daddies a la Nicole Smith, either one will do.They need these informations because they are hunting husbands in a totally different manner.The number 1 thing for them is finding the target,which is a man that they can partake in mega cash with and they want power and control over a region.It seems as Muslim women do not care about bagging loaded and powerful husbands like the "so called" Spirit filled Christian females.Or am I missing something here?

Rubber said...

u r funny and loveable and loving after all uve been thru
keep the iman STRONG!!

Modest Style Guide said...