July 27, 2009

March 31st, 1989

I think if I could go back in time to pin point the exact moment my life started to fall apart I think it would be March 31st 1989. I was 3 years old almost 4 and my father had just passed away at the ripe old age of 23 from total renal failure. In my opinion a child is an orphan the moment they loose their father, especially if he was a good one.

The last thing I remember is him picking me up to take me to his house but instead of keeping me for only a couple of hours as was agreed upon by my Mama Flor (she was actually an aunt but I though she was my mother), he kept me over the weekend. Although my mom was in the USA she controlled who could see me and for how long. He loved me so much that he modified everything in his life so I could be part of it. He modified his bus so that I could travel with him comfortably while he worked. His bachelor pad was transformed to toy wonderland. His activities changed to include child friendly places and people. I truly feel that of all the people in the world, nobody has ever loved me or will ever love me the way he did. Without expecting anything in return or trying to change me. His loss still hurts. I still miss him terribly but Allah swt loves me even more. At least I hope so, because that keeps me going when I am down.

I went to his funeral. I saw him in his casket. I also tried to wake him up because we had visitors. I put 2 and 2 together and I knew he wasn’t going to wake up despite the people present telling me that he was only sleeping. For years after his death, I was angry at my father. I thought that if he hadn't died then the things that happened to me wouldn’t have happened. So why did he die? did he not care? People treat you differently when you loose the person who stood up for you. You are a nobody. They have nothing to win by being nice to you because you don’t have anyone. When the Prophet (saw) lost his father and Halima and the other wet nurses were looking to take children home with them, they passed on him. Why? Because he had no father so who would pay them?

I have been told by well meaning but stupid family members that my mother didn't want me. Nope, not at all. She wanted an abortion but my father stood his ground and I was born. I have mixed feelings about that, because on the one hand a woman was forced to have a child she did not want and subsequently abuses that child for years. On the other hand, I wouldn't be typing this right now if she would have had her way. I wouldn't have been abused, neglected and beaten up. I wouldn't have attempted suicide as a child. I wouldn't have cried all those years out of pain and loneliness. I wouldn't have found Islam. I wouldn't have married my husband who is totally awesome when he wants to be and besides Islam he is one of the best things that has happened to me. I also wouldn't have my other love of my life, my baby boy. I love that little booger. May Allah swt protect him and save him from the evils of this world. ameen.

So, how do you measure unlimited, unconditional love? All in all I had a total of 116,726,400 seconds, 1,945,440 minutes, 32,424 hours, 351 days, 193 weeks of being spoiled by my daddy. I am 24 years old and I still miss him and I cry for him, I hope he was Muslim. I really, really, really hope he was Muslim and this is one aspect that hurts me and shakes my iman. Life changed on March 31st 1989 for me and I have to believe that it was for the best. Everything that happens to a believer is for the best. I believe that because otherwise I would go insane.


Khadija said...

i hear you. I also lost my father and was treated very badly by people including my family members. what happened to your marriage post? or are you moving on to other topics?

Anonymous said...

It's hardest on us when tested with
losing our beloved kin and kith
who love us all, regardless of
our length or height or breadth or width
Forever they'll be there we think
we lose ourselves among this myth

But ...

we know what's true and truth be told
One day we'll meet when events unfold
And Patience then, will value gold
for keeping our imaan of old.

we should strive like Ibraheem
his only son, in a sacrifical theme
was slaughtered by him in a dream
On Allah's help, he leaned
thus Ibraheem with conviction beamed
his only son now dressed and preened
brought about what he had dreamed,
but the knife's ability was redeemed
could not cut Ismael's neck it seemed

Or Yusuf who was orphaned, young
sold by those he lived among.
Disgraced in Egypt, and jailed therein
for refusing to have his robe undone.
he kept his faith, trust, chastity
as women treated him dastardly
since all that mattered to him you see,
was accepting Allah's plan, happily.

Prophets lose those they love
A common test from The One above
To show us all the meaning of
True love which is Allah's love.

In the context of the greater plan
I'll do for you as much as I can
I'll love/protect you as I'm ordered to
but don't foget that I'm just a man.

Be Patient and imagine this
No Pain, aches or sorrowness,
Just happy songs in the openness,
10 times this world: the smallest bliss,
the wealth from all the earth won't match
the sole worth of your heavenly dress

and birds and bunny rabbits will come to you,
prancing in vivid colors too,
hot red, light pink and neon blue
even cooked, if you like them to,
Even more waits for those who
obey Him as He wants them to

there are bounties and pleasures that are such
that Your imagination can not touch
nor have you tasted, seen or heard
since this world is limited, much

In-Sha- Allah, in Jannah Tuttie.
Peace be upon all of the Prophets and Messengers and May You enjoy their company in the hereafter, Ameen.

.::Tuttie::. said...

I write as I go along. I will write more about my interviews inshaAllah. At the moment I am going with whatever catches my attention.

Anonymous said...

i am a new reader to your blog
& this post just made me cry.
I lost my father when I was 7 & i loved him like crazy.I didn't know my mother. According to my family members(dad's side) she abandoned (Sp?) me & my siblings at a young age because she was on drugs & some other stuff. I had no one else in my family to take care of me ( my grandparents were too old & none of my aunts or uncles volunteered). So I was put in foster care. I saw too much stuff in foster care. Me & siblings grew up apart & lost each other. To this day, I am still looking for them(Inshallah I will find them).
But I am sort of happy that these things happened to me. It made me stronger & a fighter.I look past all the glitz & glam of Hollywood. I don't care about material things.
I am a revert myself. I have been one for 2 years now. I am getting married to a wonderful man next year Mashallah.
I do believe these things happen in our life for a reason. May Allah(swt) continue to bless you, me & the whole Ummah :)
-Gracie K.